97 The Momo Challenge is a very scary thing

       I had read about the “Momo Challenge” in The Week magazine. It had nothing to do with me, so I skimmed the article and shared the info with Alan. Both of us commented about how scary it must be for kids and parents to have to deal with this.  How crazy is it that someone can cut and splice the Momo Challenge onto kids’ shows Utube, let alone design an App?  The challenges evidently start pretty easy and then turn dangerous and scary.  There have been a few suicides that have been linked to this challenge, however, in the articles that I’ve read police haven’t proven it yet.

    Any adult who works with kids needs to be aware of this issue because if you see a change in a child/teen, ask what’s going on?  “It takes a village to raise a child.”

 

 

Alan yelled at me for showing him this pic.

He said, “That thing’s very scary looking.” 

It didn’t bother me.

   A week after I had skimmed the article, Letty, a friend of mine texted me to tell me that she needs to talk to me.  Immediately I called. Her eight-year-old daughter was watching an age-appropriate movie online when the above picture popped up.  Her daughter freaked. Momo told her to do something, but I can’t remember what. Now she’s been having nightmares for a week and is scared that the Momo character is going to come and hurt her.  Letty was extremely distraught and didn’t know what to do to help her daughter, so she was hopeful that I had a few suggestions.  

    I recommended that she stop by a Spiritual store and pick up a crystal that her daughter can hold or place it in her pocket or backpack. Then I told her to tell her daughter that the crystal will help keep her safe.  (This is very important for anyone, to feel safe, especially children.  Maybe even ask your child what will help him/her feel safe. If the child is young it could be a favorite doll or stuffed animal.) Next, light a candle and tell your child to look at the flame and memorize what it looks like. “Then close your eyes and see that flame getting larger and larger, so it’s surrounding you and then watch the bright flame fill the entire room.  Tell your child or teen that this is a beautiful wall of protection that nothing can break through it. MAKE SURE YOU BLOW THE CANDLE OUT AND REMOVE IT FROM THE ROOM. Also, create a prayer of protection. Ask your angels to come in, Christ, etc; just ask for their protection.

   Of course, I suggested that Letty call the school and to let them know what’s happened because the more the school knows what’s going on at home, the more they can help and be supportive. Also, if other parents have called in to share that their child had seen Momo or had it interrupt a show also, the school will realize it’s a problem.  Kids will be afraid and have difficulty concentrating.  There are usually counselors on site. But if the school realizes there’s a lot of kids reacting to this awful prank, then the district will bring in outside counselors.  Sometimes the school will have an assembly to talk to the kids or teach the teachers some techniques to help the children deal with their fear.  Occasionally, the principal will send a letter home to explain the problem, and suggest some monitoring of internet usage and list therapists outside the school.

   As a parent you can block certain sites that you don’t want your child to watch or you can monitor what they do watch. Parents need to talk to their children AND teens about what sites are acceptable to watch and what aren’t.

APPS TO MONITOR KIDS ACTIVITY ONLINE – There’s tons out there. Check their ratings. Go to Staples or Best Buy to get help on how to set it up.

https://tech-vise.com/best-apps-and-devices-to-monitor-your-kids-online-activity/  

http://www.techaddiction.ca/monitor-internet-activity.html

96 Taking Care of Yourself is Important to be Happy and Healthy

You are important

                   “You cannot pour from an empty cup, you must fill your cup first.”

    When we work too many hours for long periods and don’t take care of ourselves, we will become exhausted and stressed. Our brain doesn't function well under these conditions; therefore, we become disorganized and emotionally drained. And often, we’ll react to what someone has said by saying something inappropriate or by yelling. Of course, a small dose of stress helps us with creativity or a meeting deadline, but over long periods it’s detrimental to our health. Also, working too many hours can lead to anxiety, depression, insomnia, and a plethora of other health problems.

    Balancing work and play is essential. (If you feel uncomfortable about going out due to this CRAZY Pandemic you can play games on line and make friends.  Go hiking, play goofy golf or go walking at a park or at the beach. With your favorite masks on, go out to dinner or a movie.  I feel very safe.  Yes, I know the broken toilet is screaming to be repaired, but you’re important too. Living a healthy life makes you balanced. Slow down. Have a cup of tea. Watch your kids play, enjoy a hot bath with your partner.  Learn a language or go take yoga or Qi-Gong class. There are tons of free exercises on the internet if you don’t have time to jump into a car to go somewhere.

     

Self-care at work helps you stay focused and motivated

1.  Call a loved one during your break.

2. Take a small break in the morning & afternoon (coffee/tea break or take a ten-minute
     walk)

3. Take a lunch or find a quiet place to meditate

4. Set boundaries (oftentimes bosses will ask or demand that you work during lunch) 
    Practice the word- “No…”

5. If you start reacting to what someone has said, take  3 or 4 nice deep breaths focusing on
    your heart or stomach, it will get you back into your body (Or say a prayer)

6. Stop overthinking

Home care

1. Exercise – boosts energy, improves focus and mood, helps combat mental and 
    physical health conditions

2. Eat healthy – more vegetables, less red meat (Eat three times a day. If you munch in 
    between meals because you’re hungry or you can’t focus, make it healthy

3. Sleep 7-8 hours

4. Take up meditation, Qi-Gong or yoga (Meditation- Blog #7)

5. Laugh at least at two times a day   
6. Take a long hot bath in Epson salt, it will help you relax, relieve stress, stabilize your mood,

     decrease anxiety and depression. 
7.  Read a good book, that always relaxes me
8.  Get your butt out in nature
9.  Take up knitting or crochet. Yes, even football, baseball, and basketball guys do it.

    Work and home life keep us busy.  Call a family member or friend and go out. If you’re single, especially, get your butt out of the office and apartment and take a class at a nearby college or gym or yoga studio. Or check out a Meetup, volunteer, or find a church. One of the biggest problems in our society right now is loneliness, which leads to depression and suicide. Remember, your friend is not your computer or your phone.

 BLOG 74  - Some more great ideas about working on being HAPPY... HAPPY........   https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2018/09/74-few-changes-in-your-life-could-make

94 Loneliness and Depression, A Growing Problem - What Can You Do to Help Yourself, A Family Member or A Friend?

     I believe that every person on this planet has experienced depression a few times in their life, but when it becomes part of your daily life or if you go through cycles of depression, there are some things you can try.  But if they don't work, get yourself into therapy. 

Why are so many people lonely or depressed?

  1.  Baby boomers (!944-1964) had fewer children and more divorces than their parents, so there’s less companionship in their Golden Years.  One in six Boomers live alone, and about one in eleven people 50 and older have no spouse, partner, or living child. Presently, there are many single people in the U.S., more than we’ve had in over 130 years. And marriages occur 

later in life.
2.  Also, tons of people work online from home or freelance from home, so they don't have workplace comradery. 

3. People connect on social media, but researchers wonder if this might make people feel lonely because of the photos posted: vacations, weddings, boyfriends/girlfriends. etc. Viewers feel left out, or they feel like they're not keeping up with the Jone's. 

4. Students feel tremendous pressure to succeed, so they spend a lot of time on their studies, so they don’t have enough time with friends.   

 

  Rediscover your passion at any age:  

    If you are working so many hours that you have no time for anything else, or you’re taking too many units at the university, or you're taking too many gifted/college-level classes at school that you don’t have time for yourself, you need to reevaluate your quality of life. You still need ‘me’ time to balance your life.

    Ask yourself, what did you like doing when you were happy: baseball, knit, art, playing the trumpet, chess? Think about how much time you have to give and get your butt out in the real world and make friends and do at least one thing; you'll be surprised how good you will feel because you are around others, laughing and getting out of the house making friends.

1.  Get online, use the yellow pages and look up nearby community centers and libraries to see what classes or workshops they offer. You'll be surprised by the variety of classes offered, you might find one you like.  Check out:  https://nextdoor.com/join/  to see what’s happening in your neighborhood. (If you can’t drive, see if there are free services or vans for you, or call your church as sometimes there’s a support group that can help with the driving.) 

2.  Great site to meet people who have the same interest - https://thedroidguy.com/2019/01/5-best-social-apps-make-friends-meet-people-similar-interests-1068221

3. If you're not sure what the volunteer opportunities are in your hometown, check out: VolunteerMatch.org, Idealist.org, and HandsOn Network to match you with an organization that would love to have a little of your time and energy. 

4. Whatever kind of group activity interests you, you'll find it at MeetUp.com. Scroll through the various events in your city to find something that lights your fire, or type in your interest and see what's available.

5.  Barry has some great ideas to get your butt out of your house and meet people:       https://liveboldandbloom.com/05/self-confidence/ways-meet-new-people

6.   I wonder if people get so busy that they can't fit church/synagogue/mosque into their schedule. This gives a sense of belonging and offers various avenues to donate time. There are many different sects, from extreme to more open-minded churches.

7.  I'm sure even with this Pandemic there are ways to help[people online......just talking and being there for someone. check out helplines that might need more people. Of course, you'll have to go through a little training.

Good luck and have fun!

Some startling statistics:

* teen suicides - The suicide rate for white children and teens between 10 and 17 was up 70% between 2006 and 2016, the latest data analysis available from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The suicide rate in black children has risen drastically, twice the rate as white.

*children attempted suicide - In 2008 through 2015, nearly 116,000 children aged 5 to 17 were seen at 31 hospitals, either for attempted suicide or having suicidal thoughts. Two-thirds were girls. Overall, suicide-related teen hospitalizations accounted for 0.66 percent of all hospitalizations at the children's hospitals in 2008. But by 2015, that figure had more than doubled, to almost 2 percent, according to the report.  https://medicalxpress.com/news/2018-05-youth-suicide.html

*men 30 to  60 -  About 3,000 men take their lives each year. This is twice the rate among young men in their late teens and 20s – who used to be the highest-risk group. Experts think this is due to the decline of traditional masculine jobs, and lifelong marriages have made these men question their identity.  These men are more dependent on their partner for emotional support and have fewer friends outside marriage, so they take divorce/separation harder. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2205826   

*elderly -  Census from 2014 (couldn’t find and the data newer, so I’m sure this has almost doubled.) are 14.9 suicides out of every 100,000 people over 65 in the United States. Beyond mental illness, researchers have found other risk factors in late-life suicide, including physical illness and pain, the inability to function in daily life, fear of becoming a burden, and social disconnection. “Things that remove older people from their social groups — bereavement, retirement, isolation — leave them vulnerable,” Dr. Conwell said.

   

93 My Dead Son Verified that there is Spiritual Life Up in Heaven

Journal Entry       2011

                                             Kyle, 21 years old, a year before he overdosed.

   The bell rang, and I gathered the French materials that needed to be copied for tomorrow’s homework and briskly walked down the hallway. A few kids yelled, “Hi, Ms. B.” above the cacophony of noise. Suddenly Kyle’s voice popped into my head, “Guess who I just walked in the forest with?”   His exuberant voice reminded me of when he was little.   

   He responded before I could answer. “Grandma and Grandpa Boivin.”  Honestly, I wasn’t surprised, since he has shared a lot of his experiences with me since he passed away; it seemed like another normal day in heaven.  “It’s nice to talk and spend time with them. They're relaxed now and fun to be around. The forests aren’t anything like I’ve ever seen before: Some forests have tons of shades of reds and another forest, colors of bright orange. Even the shades of green are more intense than they are on earth, or maybe it’s because I’m more observant up here.  And in some areas, you can barely see the sky because the foliage is so dense. It’s so cool.”

   At least now he’s learned to slow down when he talks to me. When he first had started speaking to me, I’d get bits and pieces of words and then buzzing like a bee until I begged him to slow down.  I guess a spirit’s energy vibrates at a faster pace than a human’s. It felt good to hear how contented he sounded.

   “That’s really neat you can talk to our relatives that have passed to the other side.  I never thought about life existing up in heaven after you die, even though I accepted that ghosts existed on earth way before you passed away,” I said.

   “I didn’t either. But I never believed in heaven,” a little laugh escaped. 

    I guess there is life after death.  A verse from the Bible floated in: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”  We had stopped going to church when Nicole was in fourth grade and Kyle in seventh because there was a huge schism in the church which made me feel very uncomfortable. For me, it was easy to leave. I loved the music and the sense of family, but I have never jived with any church, except for the sense of belonging to something. Kyle didn’t believe in a God or Christ so what was he doing in heaven? I guess God loves all his children, no matter what road we take.

    A warm laugh filled my head.  “What are you chuckling about?” I asked.

   “None of my friends would believe me if I told them about this place.”

   “That’s probably true.”  Kyle continued to tell me that he had walked arm in arm with his step-grandfather who had been in a wheelchair since he was fourteen. Jim died of a brain tumor in his late seventies.  I could feel the love in my heart that Kyle has for his grandfather.

   “Everyone here looks younger up here, and grandpa definitely doesn’t need his wheelchair anymore,” Kyle explained.

    I arrived at the Teacher’s Workroom. I needed to concentrate. “I gotta go, talk to you later.”

    “Okay, see you later,” he chirped.   It’s been almost a year, and I still couldn’t believe how happy Kyle sounded, no more bi-polar, schizophrenic behavior, or depression. No wonder he loves it up in heaven. “Hey,” it dawned on me, “Can you see me?”

    There was only silence. Had Kyle already zapped out to check on one of his friends? Or was he not allowed to respond to that question?

 

90 Teaching Your Child to Donate some of his/her Allowance or Time Teaches a Life Lesson

 

      
      Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that is known to be a contributor to feeling good about yourself.  When an individual helps others, their serotonin level rises, which improves your mood and modulates cognition, learning, and memory.  

   Nervousness to severe anxiety attacks is extremely normal in our world. Yes, you can reduce anxiety by meditating, taking medication, or exercising. But believe it or not, volunteering is also a way to keep anxiety in check. Wouldn't it be nice to be in a happier state and raise children that are kind and generous beings? Maybe this generation can be called the "Caring Generation" instead of the Millennials, Generation, Generation Y, otherwise dubbed, ‘the Me generation’ who were born from 1980 -1994.

   Even if you don't have children, I'm sure you can facilitate an opportunity with your grandchildren, nieces, or nephews to volunteer at church, school, etc.

 Helping others makes you feel good. 


Suggestions to help make the art of giving a part of your family’s life: (Don't wait until your child is in high school and has to do volunteer work, start them young.) 

1. Teach the importance of sharing. Encourage your child to share her toys or that last cookie.

2.  Talk about how it feels when you share something with your husband or ask her how it made her feel after your child shares something.

3.  Right after Christmas, I would have my children go through their toys and choose a few that they don't play with anymore, and then we'd donate them to the Salvation Army or Goodwill.  If they’re too young, do it with them.  Also, it’s a perfect time to go through their clothes. Again, discuss why you’re donating and how they feel when they give. (Instead of you packing it all in bags, let them do it.  AND if they're old enough, let them carry it into the donation centers.)

4.  Discuss with your children what charities you give to and explain why. (I never thought about doing this, and I donated a fair amount.) Tell your children how you feel when you donate,  buy things for those in need, or help others.

 5. While driving or during dinner, take time to discuss what you do to help others, even if it’s taking the time to listen to a neighbor share his bad day or help out at church or school. Mention how it made you feel when you were able to help.  Make sure your children see you helping others.

6.  Take the time to share personal stories of when you needed help and how others helped you. You’re sharing a part of your history which forms stronger ties between kids and parents.

      By sharing your history, you not only serve as a role model, but you also let your children know you better. (Alan and I never thought about doing this either.) this builds even stronger family ties which will permit you to be a strong influence in their lives.

7.  Once your children become old enough, as a family, spend an afternoon at a food bank or at a community clean-up project donating your time.  This experience will be unforgettable as your children or grandchildren get to help out firsthand. (Vote as a family where to help out.)  Don’t forget to praise their hard work and for giving up their time.

      If your child loves animals and is old enough, encourage her to volunteer at an animal shelter.

    I loved to help people, so I volunteered at a hospital for a few years as a Candy Striper when I was in junior high. This raised my self-esteem and helped me with my shyness.

8.  If you’re giving an allowance to your children, decide what percentage should be given as tithe for your church or have them donate a certain portion to a worthy cause.

      Young children may find the idea of giving a little confusing.  If you suggest that your child donate   $ 1.00 to the Salvation Army, explain that it will help feed and retrain the homeless. Then go to the pet store and buy a couple of dog food and cat food bags and drop it off together at a nearby animal shelter. This is real for your child because he can see the animals in need.   (Beware. You might end up coming home with a pet.) Or maybe your child loves every animal she sees.

9. Remember, generosity can be displayed at home also.  Say kind things to your family members. Take an afternoon and play a game with your children or do some crafts together. (We didn't do enough of this.)  Or make them some favorite cookies or buy them a small toy they’ve been begging for. When you see your children being generous, point it out and praise them, even if they only showed the tiniest bit of kindness. Help them put into words the positive feelings they may have as they help others.

    Make helping out, donating time, and discussing how one feels when you/they do it, a routine will help your children or grandchildren experience some trying times, they’ll hopefully remember the many times they did feel good about themselves, so alcohol and drugs will be the last thing they’ll try.

89 There's A Huge Epidemic of Loneliness In Our Country even before COVID Hit Our Country. What Could Help Alleviate the Problem?

        Social media and texting have kept adults, children, and families communicating more, and yet actual contact is missing.  In a 2018 survey conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation, researchers claim that the United States is experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. Seniors live longer but with a lack of family support close by, and they cannot get out or have more difficulty getting out to meet others, so they stay home. Children are kept so busy with sports and other activities, they don't have time to engage in any close friendships unless the parents take the time to make sure their kids have friends over or the parents can take them over to their friend's homes so they can spend time together.

       The role of friends in America has experienced a noticeable decline. In the May 2021 'American Perspectives Survey,' Americans report having fewer close friendships than they used to. People leaned on their friends less and didn't speak to their friends as often. 

      Of course, now, due to COVID-19, there is an obvious decline in friendship worldwide. However, there are possibly other reasons for this decline. First, Americans are marrying much later and are more mobile than in the past. Second, American parents spend more time with their children than previous generations; therefore, there is less time for other types of relationships. Lastly, Americans, sadly, are working extended hours and traveling more for work, which more than likely comes at the cost of maintaining friendships, let alone building new ones. Since there has been a huge decline in churchgoing, meeting neighbors, or parents at school, more adults are making friends in the workplace.     

    Lonely people tend to have increased blood pressure, weaker immune systems, more depression, and more inflammation throughout the body. 

We've all felt lonely at one time or another, but if it's almost constant, it's not healthy.

       An emptiness poured into my life since I retired five years ago. I missed meeting my teacher friends in the foreign language department to eat lunch and share our lives with each other.  So the first three years, we started attending the Self Realization Temple off and on. Many of the sermons were very poignant and reached us more than most church services, and I liked that many spiritual leaders were honored. But something was majorly missing.  I couldn’t figure it out until my husband, and I decided to return to Woodland Hills Community Church, a church we used to attend. 
      There felt a sense of community. At W.H. Church, people came up to us and welcomed us and asked our names. The other draw is Pastor Craig. He’s vibrant and cares about each person.  (Pre Covid) At the end of the church service, I loved creating a big circle and holding hands to sing the closing song. This allowed us to again reconnect to the church family. And after church, we have coffee and munchies, which again allows us to reconnect as a family.

     A church should offer you a sense of belonging and allow you to share your gifts.  Pastor Craig learned that I was a healer, so he asked me to start a group healing night.  Ooh…. Was that his sneaky way of pulling me in?  Well, it worked. Our church is somewhat small, so to have 12 people at the first group healing evening surprised me. Then Alan, my hubby,  was asked if he’d sing at the Christmas show, which he did, and many complimented him on his gorgeous voice. This made him feel good and, of course, only reinforced his connection with the church.  In other words, get involved. This world is so big and chaotic, easy to get lost in. Sometimes parents become so busy that we forget to slow down to teach lessons of compassion, the forgiveness of self and others, etc.  

     And if you have kids, Sunday school reinforces morals, values, the need to forgive, love, and teaches ways to respect everyone.  This is something that would have possibly helped our children.  Public schools touch upon respect, but do they teach forgiveness and to love oneself and others? 

      I wish I wouldn't have been overwhelmed with teaching theatre and directing shows that the thing I decided to drop to give me more time was church. We stopped going.

      I’m not saying I’d still have a son that was alive or a daughter that actually wanted a relationship with us if we would have gone to church. But I think if anything, they would have received more lessons on values that weren’t taught in the home, and in addition, they would have hung around kids from church who also had similar values, so I guess, yea, maybe things would have been different.

     You don't need to believe in everything in the church's doctrine, but the congregation needs to honor your beliefs. Each of us is on our own spiritual journey. Find a church, mosque, temple, yoga group, Tai Chi, a meditation group, or something that you and your family feel comfortable with and make room in your life to add this experience. I think you might be pleasantly surprised. You'll make friends, and your world will become fuller. Even if you are not ready to return to going out and mixing, find something online. I know it's not as personal, but it is better than being depressed, and you can still make friends.

   

88 Many of us have Lost a Pet in an Unusual Way

    

  

    Alan and I had just finished getting our two munchkins ready for bed when I heard a bang downstairs. At first, I didn’t know what it was, and then I saw a picture of the hamster’s plastic exercise ball in my mind’s eye. “Oh, shit!” I said. "I forgot the hamster was still in his ball.

    I ran downstairs, with Kyle trailing behind me and Alan clamoring at our heels, carrying Nicole.  The ball had evidently fallen off the foyer step and onto the living room rug.  Somehow the door on the ball had unhinged itself and fallen off. Or had I not been paying attention when I placed the door on the ball, so it didn’t clasp correctly?  I picked the ball up, but nothing was in it. Oh, man, where’s the hamster? I thought. I looked under the baby grand piano, but he wasn’t there, and Alan looked around in the living room.  Kyle dropped to his knees and looked under the sofa, nothing.

   Buster, our Scottish Terrier, had run under the stairs, munching on something.  Dropping the ball, I rushed to the dog and surmised that Buster had decided anything running around in his territory that was smaller than he, was fair game.  We followed the culprit into the brightly lit kitchen. Kyle kept yelling over and over, “Drop the hamster!”  I didn’t know what to do. We just stood by like hopeless idiots. I’m sure all of our heartbeats were thumping double time.

Miniature hamster   Vs.  Terrier

   Of course, it didn’t help that Alan kept yelling at me, “Pull it out! Pull the hamster out, now.” Anyone yelling places me in freeze mode. I couldn’t think. Then I looked at Alan holding Nicole, our one in a half-year-old daughter who sat calmly sitting on his hip, watching the whole scene. How could she be so calm? I felt like I had ten cups of coffee.

    “Just reach in and pull it out!” Alan again yelled excitedly.  I grabbed Buster’s collar and fell to one knee and pulled him towards me.  “Hurry up and open the hamster’s mouth!” Nicole leaned over, watching us with an inquisitive look on her face, like a little scientist. Kyle stood by repeating almost every word his dad said in a whiny four-year-old voice.

   Finally, I grabbed Buster’s square jaws and placed pressure on either side of the joints. The back of Buster’s long pink tongue kept lifting up, struggling to get the rest of his meal down. I’m sure he thought I was going to rob him of his delectable dessert. “I see his hairy butt.”

    

   Alan yelled, “Just get it, stop being afraid!”

   “I’m not afraid.” I snapped, a bit louder than I realized.  “I’m just trying to figure out what to do.”

   There was no way this hamster was going to make it out alive even if I could pull him out. Neither of my kids needed to see this execution; therefore, I grabbed Buster’s collar and pulled him outside onto the grass, away from the yelling and away from a sobbing little boy. I slammed the sliding glass door behind me. Alan made a move to follow me outside, and my hand flew up in a stop sign. He knew what I meant. I watched Buster tilt his head back and gulp a couple of times. The hamster was gone.      

   

    Once I opened the door, Kyle ran outside with clenched fists, and sternly said over and over like a stuck record, “Bad dog. Bad, bad, bad dog.”  He followed Buster into the middle of the yard, and of course, our Scottie ignored him while he did his business.  Grabbing Buster's square jaw, he squatted right in front of him and yelled, “I’m very mad at you!” And wagged his finger at him. “You’re a bad dog!” I almost burst out laughing; Kyle sounded and looked so cute.

    Alan, who can’t let anything go, much like Kyle, said, “Why didn’t you pull the hamster out when I told you to?”     

   “How could I do that? All I could see was the butt of the hamster. Plus, that, he had already entered Buster's throat.” I snarled. I was perturbed at Alan because I felt like he was attacking me.

   “Well, I didn’t know how far he was. I thought you could just pull him out since you had pried his mouth open,” Alan explained innocently. “I was just hoping,” Alan said, lifting his eyebrows and giving me that innocent little boy look, which made me soften.

   All of us returned upstairs to watch some nameless T.V. show.  Too hyped to go to bed, we let the kids stay up past their 7 pm bedtime. 

   “What are you going to tell your students?” Alan asked.

   “The truth,” I responded. “They’ll be sad to have lost a class pet, but I think they’ll see some humor in the way they lost him. I’ll buy them a new one.”

    The next day, I dug an honorary hole near the garage and laid some of the sawdust from the hamster cage into the hole and Kyle, and I said a little prayer for the little critter. I then shared how much we enjoyed having him in our lives and what we enjoyed about the furry little miniature hamster, and Kyle remembered some funny stories about the hamster also.  I placed a small stick cross that I had created on his grave, and Kyle pulled a flower off a nearby bush and placed it on the grave also. 

     Kyle was still so angry at Buster that he refused to talk to him or pet Buster for a week. Alan explained to him that Buster did what dogs naturally do and that before dogs became pets, they had to find their food. We also talked to him about the importance of forgiveness.
     Another way to honor a pet is to light a candle and let the whole family take turns sharing the funny stories they remember and the frustrating times.  Thank your pet for being a part of your life and hope he's in pet heaven playing with other animals. 

87 Helpful Suggestions when you have Difficulty Forgiving

     The problem usually starts small: your sister places you on hold so she can take a call from her boyfriend and then forgets you’re waiting for her and disgusted, you hang up. A few weeks later your sister forgets she had promised to babysit the kids and after you call her to remind her, she arrives late, so you’re half an hour late for your appointment.  

      Finally, these disappointments and wounded feelings build up over time, mounting on top of the hurts from childhood until one day you can’t bear to talk to her.  Sadly, that one day turns into a month, six months, a year, and then years pass by.  Your sister has tried to reach out, but nothing seems to reconnect your relationship.  She has sent apology letters; she’s even called and left an apology on your cell phone a few times and sent you Christmas gifts and birthday cards. You finally give your sibling a lot of space, but still, your sister is unwilling to forgive you. What can be done?

    I remember hearing the following story in a Sunday service about two ex-prisoners of war who had met after many years. One of them asked, “Have you forgiven your captors yet?”

   “No, never.” the second man answered.

   The first man replied, “Then, you are still their prisoner.”
 

     

    Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you forgive what she/he did or that it was okay that you were disrespected. It means that you accept that the individual who hurt you is a human being who makes mistakes.  Mending a relationship takes time, hard work, forgiveness, patience, and compassion. 

 It’s hard to forgive. When I lost my son to a heroin overdose, at first I blamed my husband and then myself for his demise. And yet, this is the first thing you need to do. Forgive.  When I’m practicing Reiki, a natural healing modality; on someone, this is one of the things that often pop up, anger. Resentment gets stuck in the body and causes illnesses.  

SOME SUGGESTIONS THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO MOVE FORWARD:

1.  You have to let go of your jealousy, anger, or vindictiveness.  No, it doesn’t mean what your sibling, friend, parents or partner did to you was okay. Having the ability to forgive is powerful. It can lead to a healthier body and mind, and it will give you back a part of yourself that had been missing for a long time.

2.  It doesn’t really matter who’s right or wrong because the primary goal is to mend your relationship.  See the other person’s positive traits. Remind yourself that you are human too and make mistakes. Usually, there are more positive qualities than negative: Maybe your sister donates her time to a nearby homeless shelter, or she takes in foster children. You are the bigger person.  You make the first move.  A relationship with family members is important.  Even if your sibling or parent cannot give himself or herself exactly what you'd like in a relationship, accept and love what can be given.

3. When you talk, try to see the other side of the story.  Listen without making any comments or excuses. Keep in mind that the other person probably has some points you need to consider.

4.  When you reach out, first remind the individual that you love her/him so much and that it pains you that your relationship has suffered.  Tell him/her that you want to fix things and understand his/her side of the issue(s).  Remind her that their fight does not alleviate your love for her. Apologize if you need to, even if you think the other person is wrong.

5.  The source of the conflict might not even be about what you think it is, so try to identify the real issue. There might be so many issues that come up, or perhaps you’re presuming the wrong problem.   Instead, slow yourself down. Feel and observe what your sister/friend or spouse is feeling. Listen to his/her fears, needs, expectations, etc.   Don’t be afraid to ask questions to clarify any confusion. Listen intently while he/she tells her side of the story and explains how your behavior had upset her. Do not react.

6.  Watch what you say and how you say it.  You are trying to diffuse a previous conflict, not start a new one.  Stay calm and use words to diffuse the conflict:  

     “What I hear you saying is…”                                  “Ok, you have a point.”                 

     “I’m wondering if…”                                                “I now understand.”

     “I see what you mean.”                                             “May you repeat that?”

     “Tell me more about that.”                                        “I can see how that would upset you.”

7. If your family member refuses to talk to you, give her space, and try to contact her again from time to time. Don’t be resentful of all the effort you’re putting into trying to mend your relationship.  Every person is an individual, and everyone is on their own time schedule.

8. Another alternative might be that you both attend a few therapy sessions together.  If you are at each other’s throats or can’t pinpoint the issue, a therapist can help by giving you tools to improve your relationship. Do not go to the same therapist that you’ve been going to for yourself, choose a different one.

9.  Do not talk to your children about any issues that you are having with their aunt. Let them know you are working on solving the problem, and it has nothing to do with them.  Make sure that you tell them that you love them and are there for them.  (Remember, children are extremely sensitive, and even though they may not understand the words, they pick up on the energy and will sometimes become moody or distant.  Keep on top of this.)

10.  Whether you are having problems with a friend or a relation, it’s emotionally draining, which could make you sick.  If trying to reconnect places too much stress on you or any interaction is continuously painful, you might have to set some boundaries. Take a break and get into counseling. Sometimes the feelings you have might relate to issues that your mom and dad had and might have nothing to do with you and your sister. No matter how much we want to solve the problem, sometimes the other person is not ready, but at least you’ve made an attempt.

   Jack Kornfield writes: “Practicing forgiveness, we may go through stages of grief, rage, sorrow, fear, and confusion." As we let our self feel the pain we still hold onto, once you forgive, it comes as a relief as you release the anger and pain from our heart.  "Forgiveness acknowledges that no matter how much we may have suffered, we will not put another human being out of our heart.”

   As a healer, I cannot tell you how many people I have worked on who are angry and are unable to forgive an individual that has hurt them. This anger festers over time and becomes stuck in the body, causing significant diseases. If you want to regain your mental or physical health, it is imperative to forgive. Each person on this planet is here to learn different lessons. Do not expect your spouse or friend to be where you are. Love, accept, and forgive.

Mayo Clinic. 2011. Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131 (accessed July 20, 2012).

https://jackkornfield.com/the-practice-of-forgiveness/

86 A car accident, or being evacuated from your home due to fires can trigger a trauma that you've had in the past

     The bright fluorescent lights shot their offensive lights down upon Alan and me while we were making a salad. He was cutting up the avocado into small pieces when he commanded, “Stir the salad!”

     I replied, “Alan, I’m ripping up the lettuce, just a minute.”

     He repeated the command, but this time pushed the bowl towards me.

     “You don’t have to talk to me that way. The salad doesn’t need to be stirred immediately.” I was a little pissed.
    "You could easily drop what you're doing. I just want to see how much more avocado I still need to cut," Alan said, giving me a judgmental look.
     I picked up the spoon and started stirring. I was still steaming a bit, but I was proud of myself because I didn't make any judgmental statements.

     A few days later, I realized what had happened.  Both of us were reacting in our own way to the fires that had flared up in nearby Malibu, and Calabasas. We had been evacuated for a few days, which left us unfocused and worried about the loss that might occur: that someone might get hurt, or even worse die, or an animal might not be able to escape or we might lose our home, or our friends might lose theirs. And in the back of our minds, we were scared that the fires might wipe out all of Malibu like the Woolsey fire had destroyed an entire town and had killed innocent people.

 

    Catastrophes might dredge up previous traumas for you, or a loved one, and you aren’t aware of it until after you’ve bitten the head off of someone you love or you become depressed or start drinking a bit too much to take the edge off.  I tend to react to trauma internally, which makes me a bit moody, Alan's external; he reacts.

    Any type of catastrophe, a fire, earthquake, or a horrible car accident might kick up old memories. Your body might remember when you moved around every year to a new school, or you had lost a beloved animal to a hit and run. Or maybe your mother was in a horrible accident, and you almost lost her.  Yes, other traumas get kicked up again, even though you haven't been near a fire. If someone pulls out in front of you, don’t lose it, and start cussing at them or giving them the finger, a honk of the horn will tell them you're there.

    I had a few flashbacks of traumas I had experienced after I had returned to my home; luckily, I was able to go to my therapist to release them through EMDR. But what if you can't go to a therapist right away, so you're reacting? (Blog #4 explains EMDR and other techniques a therapist might use. Keep an open mind and find the one that best technique that works for you.)

A few techniques that you can try at home if you start reacting to a memory:  Tap or rub your right leg while you're remembering your trauma while noticing the texture of them. Continue tapping/rubbing- right,  left,  right, left until you feel better while breathing slowly. While doing this technique, take a deep breath in through your nose and expel the air forcefully through your mouth a few times until you feel like you are yourself again. This is called Dragon Breathe.  

   Another technique called Havening is to cross your arms and rub up and down on your upper arms at the same time while using the Dragon Breathe until you have calmed down. Or rub your hands horizontally.  This calms your nervous system down.
   You are taking that reaction/memory from the right side of the brain, which is the emotional/reaction side of the brain and switching it to the left, the logical side. Our body does not realize that the trauma doesn't exist anymore, so it's necessary to release this emotion.
    Take care of yourself. Please be kind to yourself and others. And if you are still reacting or feel depressed, call a professional for help.