8 - Blaming Yourself or Others Helps No One

     It's easy to blame ourselves or others when our child is struggling with alcohol, drug issues, or mental illness. And when you lose a family member to either, the guilt storms in fiercely, unannounced, any time of day or night. After our son's death, I found it effortless to wallow in my remorse, blaming myself for a Mount Everest of things. I blamed my husband for his behavior and harsh words to his son, and I blamed myself for not demanding that Alan goes to an Anger Management class. Upset, I didn't see that Alan or I needed guidance so we could be better parents. Pissed for not being able to be consistent and set boundaries with my son because I always felt sorry for him. Angry that I hadn't realized that our daughter got lost in all this mess and rarely communicated how she felt or her needs.   

Being Angry Helps Noone

      I was fuming with Kyle's friends, including an adult who knew our son was on something other than marijuana, but no one called us. Not one single person informed us that he drank himself into a stupor at parties and started using heroin to rid the voices in his head.

     Wallowing in the sloppy mire of self-pity didn't help. It just made me crazy. We blame ourselves for so many things, but even if we had been perfect parents, would the outcome have changed? Who knows? Alan and I met couples who did all the right things, who didn't have a crazy house like ours, who weren't two hyper-active immature, stubborn parents, and who didn't have a child who was mentally ill, and yet it didn't change their child's demise. They lost their child to a drug overdose.

      After I began therapy, I realized all of us did our best. And I'm telling you, that saved me from turning into a total raving lunatic and filing for a divorce. I DID MY BEST. WE DID OUR BEST. Once I understood this, I could feel compassion toward the people I had blamed for Kyle's death. And I have forgiven myself and my husband. But I must admit a few pity parties jump up now and then to show their ugly face, and then I bounce back into the therapist's office.

      Forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it does change the present. It allows you to move forward and live a happy life in the present. That anger and guilt rarely have control of me anymore, and that's a scrumptious feeling.

     When you start feeling angry or guilty because of the should ofs......give yourself a hug; it will change your mood and settle you down, known as 'self-love.' When you give yourself a hug, oxytocin is released into your bloodstream and relaxes you. It is known as the 'love hormone.

Love yourself for your mistakes, growth, and who you are now.

If you'd like to share a comment or a story, here is my e-mail: tbboivin8@gmail.com