Blog #118 A dead friend keeps bugging me to talk to his daughter for him

 April 16, 2011

 

       One of our computer technicians at Canoga High School was killed while riding his motorcycle to Oxnard to spend a relaxing weekend on his boat.  He used to teach history and stage crew at Canoga High School for some years.  Sometimes I would corner him and bombard him with questions regarding set designs, as I was teaching Play Production.

     Many liked Dan because he was extremely comfortable to be around and joked around. He fixed any technical problems we had or helped me understand how to work various programs, and he would only chide me a little when he found a cord unplugged.  He was never rude or disrespectful and always loved to take the time to converse.  I always had a soft spot in my heart for him.  Three days after Dan's death, I sat in a faculty meeting attempting to focus on the information our principal was trying to impart; however, I was finding it difficult.   I was exhausted, and all I wanted to do was take a nap.  Suddenly, I felt this energy push me to the left as I saw Dan's spiritual body shoving himself between his friend, Richard, and me.  It felt like a substantial balloon was pushing me to the side.  I apologized to the neighboring teacher.  

      To my surprise, Dan's neck stretched like a rubber band, so his head was directly in front of Richard's face.  My eyes widened as I had never seen this before except maybe in cartoons and the movie, "The Mask." Richard obviously wasn't open to seeing Dan, so he decided to surprise his friend by doing something shocking in hopes that he would notice him, but Richard obviously didn't because suddenly, Zap! Dan's energy vanished, along with my feeling of claustrophobia.  I chuckled to myself and brought my attention back to the speaker.  A few people at my table looked perplexed by my facial expressions.  I just smiled, gave a quick nod, and continued smiling and focusing on my principal's message.

     A few days later, I decided to type up the library experience because I feared it would dribble out of my brain.  While typing, 'he had pushed between us because he was trying to get Richard to notice him,' the 'e' refused to work.  I kept hitting the key over and over again, harder each time, worried that I was going to break my new computer.  Out of frustration, I said, "Will you stop?" My question wasn't really directed at anything; I was just ticked.  Immediately the keys started working, but after a couple blinks, the key problem started again.

     Then it hit me; perhaps it was Kyle, my son, who had passed away trying to joke around with me like he used to, but I didn't feel him around.  So in my head, I asked, 'Who are you?' Dan popped in with an intense voice, opposite his usual tranquil one, "I wasn't trying to scare Richard; I wanted him to know I was here, spiritually.  If he knew I was nearby, I thought it might help him process his grief faster.  We were close." I thanked him for correcting me, and now the 'e' worked.  I couldn't believe this had just happened.  Unbelievable.  I thought about telling Richard about Dan, but I knew he would roll his eyes, so I didn't.

       After about a week, Dan kept popping into my head, saying, "I need to give you a message to my daughter." His voice was anxious, but I was so busy with school and family that I couldn't slow down to take the time to listen to him.  Again, the nervousness that I felt from Dan's spirit was unusual as Dan is, or should I say, such a mellow guy. Stacey, his daughter, was a fellow teacher and friend who taught history at the same school. I promised myself that once I got home and put the kids to bed, I'd slow myself down to receive his message.

     Well, with helping our kids with homework

 and cooking, I forgot about my promise.  Finally, after about 5 days and more pop-ins from Dan, I sat my butt down on the sofa in my kitchen on a Sunday morning before anyone woke up.  I placed a large book on my knees with a piece of paper and readied my pencil.  After taking a few nice deep breaths to slow my energy down, I softly said, "Okay, Dan, you have my undivided attention."

      " You don't need to write this down." His words were quick and seemed impatient. Before he said anything, I could feel the energy in the room change and felt his presence.

    "But Dan, my memory isn't that great, I've gone through a lot of trauma these last few years, so I'm afraid I'm going to leave out some important details if I don't.  Also, I'm worried I won't remember our conversation because I'vemediums rarely retain information about what is said. After all, they are in an altered state." He replied that he understood.

      He seemed very agitated as his words spit out rapidly. I don't even know what I was writing; I swear my pencil took over. I felt like I was in a dream-like state, barely conscious of anything around me as he blurted out his message, and I, like a mad woman, scribbled away, attempting to keep up. 

       'I love you so much!  (The emotion I felt was so overpowering my stomach tightened into a hard ball.  I could hear him struggling to fight back his tears.) Remember the  importance of family.  I know you're angry but remember your family. I'm sorry I wasn't always there for you.  Forgive me for not being around for my grandchildren.  I was riding my motorcycle, thinking about what I could have done differently in my life. I'm usually so careful. It's such a strange feeling to be here. I'm so sad I can't be there for my two youngest kids, but I know you'll be there for them. You've been an amazing daughter. I'm so proud of you.  I want to know you'll do the right thing for everyone.  Keep anger out.  I love you.'

    Then he asked if he could come and talk to me later.  I felt very strange talking to someone I don't know who is in the spirit state.  Yes, I've spoken to family members who have passed away, a close friend and an acquaintance asked me to deliver a message to their family member, but I was such a chicken shit that they would think I was crazy that I didn't deliver the message.

     Before Dan left, he asked if he could come back and talk to me later.   I told him, of course.  I glanced at my notes, and I could barely read them, my writing was nearly illegible, and some lines ran over others and up the side of the page, but I guess that's what happens when you're in a trance.

     I waited two weeks before giving that message to his daughter, Stacey.  I don't know why, but I didn't feel the urgency.  Second, I felt like Stacey wasn't mentally ready to receive word from her dead father, and honestly, I felt awkward and worried about what she would think about me talking to her dad.  Then one day, she told me that she had to speak to me about an incident that had occurred, so during our nutrition break, I stopped by her room.      

She confided that she really believed in what I had said at her father's memorial, that there is another side once a person passes away, but you have to keep your eyes, ears, and dreams open for a visit from the deceased.

      Stacy admitted that she was extremely apprehensive about picking a lawyer regarding her father's estate because she was frightened about choosing the wrong one.  She had asked friends if they knew of one they could recommend, and she had researched a few and was still confused about which would be the best.  But luckily, a friend had referred someone to her, and she immediately knew he was the right person when he heard his last name. "His name was Mr. Bun." I looked at her, confused.  She smiled, "Don't you get it, bunny… Mr. Bun. He's been a fabulous lawyer, perfect."

     I did get it. I started laughing. I flashed back to the day of the memorial.

     On the way to Stacey's house, I decided to stop by Ralph's Grocery Store to pick up a sympathy card and some flowers for her.  But once I stepped into the supermarket, I thought, everyone is going to give her flowers, maybe I can find something different, but I wondered what the heck that was going to be when my eyes zeroed in on about a twenty-four-inch tall, gorgeous rabbit with his ears standing straight up.  It was made of thin twigs, giant button eyeballs, and a big ribbon wrapped around its neck.

     A voice in my head said, 'Buy the rabbit.' Okay, I thought.  No voice has ever told me to buy something before, but I figured someone on the other side felt it was necessary.  I wouldn't know if it was the voice Dan's voice because the grocery store was a bit noisy, but I had this feeling it was.

     When I arrived at Stacey's house, I had talked myself into leaving it in the car.  I knew full well it was a strange gift to give someone at a memorial.  Sitting in the car, I watched people walk inside the house.  I realized I better get my act together, so finally, I got the nerve to bring the rabbit.   I was tempted to leave the rabbit on the table without explaining why I bought it, but I told myself to stop being a chicken shit.  Stacey walked up to me, welcomed me to her house, and thanked me for coming.  I handed her the rabbit and said, "This rabbit reminded me of your dad.  He had such a big stature, and yet he was so mellow and kind." Then I confessed, "Okay, a voice told me to buy it."

     Her eyes were red from crying, yet she still gave me her crooked little smile, hugged me, and said, "It does remind me of my dad." I looked around and felt awkward as so many had brought flowers.  Oh, well… I thought.   Many of his friends shared their beautiful memories with Dan, and I shared mine.

      The bell rang, and the students nosily entered my classroom.  I looked at Stacey and laughed.  I finally got it. "Oh,  my God, I get it now.   Bunny… Mr. Bun…  Wow!  I can't believe it.  And that's how you chose your lawyer?" I was totally in disbelief.

      A huge grin spread across Stacey's face, and she nodded. "I now know my father had sent that bunny message through you.  He never trusted lawyers, so he wanted to ensure I found an honest one."

     I was on the brink of sharing her father's message, but I knew we had to return to teaching.  I still felt the message that her father had delivered wasn't urgent, so I put off telling her for a few more weeks.  Finally, I got the nerve to share the message during lunch.  I said unsurely, "I hope you're open to your father transitioning to the other side.  He is still alive." I watched her face, still unsure of myself. "He gave me a message a few weeks ago, but I haven't told you because it didn't seem urgent anymore.  But I still feel like I need to share it because he and I want you to know there is another side."

    Her eyes widened, and I was positive she was going to tell me I was crazy, but to my surprise, she responded, "After the bunny thing, I defiantly believe." I read my scribbles from the paper, sometimes having difficulty deciphering my writing because I had written Dan's message without looking at the paper.

   Stacy wiped away a few tears rolling down her cheeks. "I was overreacting to some financial issues regarding my stepmother, whom I don't trust.  I was considering hiring a lawyer because I was concerned about not having enough money to put my half-brother and half-sister through school.  But I realized I had to back off because my anger and frustration with my stepmom kept me awake at night, so I've been exhausted, almost unable to function at school."

    She again thanked me for delivering her father's message." I know exactly what my father was talking about.  I guess he was afraid I'd react out of anger.  He wanted me to remember that  family is more important than fighting for the money for my brother and sister."

     

Post 117 - Havening, an Easy Technique which Aids an Individual into Calming their Distress.

      Havening is a somewhat new alternative therapy that utilizes gentle touch. A more involved version uses touch, eye movement, and tapping. However, today, I'm going to teach the simple method, which is easy to use anywhere at any time. This approach aims to help you create a "haven" for yourself in one short session. Haven means a place of safety or refuge.

     The creators of this technique are two brothers, Dr. Steven Ruden and Dr. Ronald Ruden. Therapeutic touch helps treat mental health symptoms by changing brain pathways linked to emotional distress. I wish I knew this technique while going to school. I used to sweat and almost pass out before and during a test. Of course, that fear made me forget most of the material. (I wish every teacher and parent, oh shoot, the whole world, could learn this method.)

This technique addresses many types of emotional distress and is known to treat:

Phobias                                  painful memories                         depression

anxiety                                   difficulty sleeping                        fear and panic

unwanted cravings                 memory problems                        chronic pain

short-term/chronic pain          nightmares                                    

mood swings                                         debt, drought, old boyfriends  and girlfriends                                                                                                               ONLY  KIDDING....

                                                         A few of the techniques:

                                              https://threearms.com/havening-techniques/                                                                                                                                                                  

        People who have practiced this technique have noticed an improvement in their well-being, whether at work, school, various sports, or working out.   

     The theory rests on the idea that touch can help boost the production of serotonin in your brain, a chemical manufactured in the body and acts as a neurotransmitter responsible for regulating people's moods. The release of serotonin has a soothing effect that helps relieve mental health symptoms and painful memories from troubling you. This helps you relax and detach from an upsetting memory or experience.

DO NOT USE IT ON YOURSELF IF YOU SUFFER FROM PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS LIKE PTSD OR C-TSD, AS IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT YOU WORK WITH A MENTAL HEALTH CARE PRACTIONER.

STEPS:

1.     Think of an issue you'd like to work on. Ask your body from 1-10 what number it would   

rate the problem.

2.      Keep your eyes open when doing this exercise because I have found when I close my eyes, I start tumbling into my story, reviewing the painful moments. Stay in the now.

3.     Take a couple of deep breaths as this tends to slow your energy down. In through your nose and out through your mouth. (Another technique for slowing your energy down.)

4.     The order of the following exercises is not important.  

5.     Do each round about 4 to 6 times. (Your body will tell you what it needs. Listen.)

6.     Remember to breathe into the nose and out the mouth while rubbing.

7.     Rub your palms back and forth while being aware of your slow, even breathing.

8.     Rub down from your shoulder joints to your elbows. Eyes open. Breathe

9.     Rub from the middle of the forehead to your hairline, and don't forget to breathe.

10. Rub from the middle of the nose across the cheeks, breathing slowly.

11. Rub from the temple down to the edge of the jawline.

12. Now, think about the problem you chose to work on today and reevaluate from 1-10. Has the number dropped? Trust your body when you ask. Trust me, it knows how it feels.   It should at least lower by 4 points. If it doesn't, do another full round again. Try to get the rating to 2 or 3, especially if you at first were 9 or 10.) Now, what number would you rate the problem? If it's still 5 or more, do a couple more rounds.

13.   Ask your body how many days it will take for your body to process the new you. Often, it's 1 to 4 days, so you could have a few of the temporary side-effects below. Be kind to yourself. If need be, do a few more rounds after a couple of days to release more stuck energy. Make the time to 'Self Care.'

14. Another tool you could add to this technique is called Resourcing. This is where you pull in your favorite animal or person you trust or feel safe with.   Remember, if you draw in a relative, he is not the same person he was when on earth. That individual is now there for you whenever you need him or her. You can also use an item. I have a keychain with a four-leaf clover hanging from it. When I rub it, it makes me feel safe and protected. Or maybe a stuffed animal calls out to you.  You can feel the arms of your loved one around you and know they're there for you. 

                            Give yourself permission to feel, but don't get pulled into the story!

    You might notice some temporary effects after a session; this means your body is adjusting. If you are feeling a bit out of whack,  run a few more havening sessions on yourself to release the stuck energy.

Some temporary side effects:

lightheaded                                        overly sensitive                 emotional numbness                        moody/grouchy                                 bodily tension                    discomfort or increased anger 

Congratulations, you did a fabulous job of taking care of you!

Any questions, insights, or shares: contact me at: tbboivin8@gmail.com

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQXbZmuSbFs

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/havening#risks

Post 116 - Isn't it Amazing How We Can Learn Lessons from Our Children?

       

                   

 

                                                     A picture of Nicole and her brother.  

        Attempting to divide my time between my daughter, Nicole, and her older brother, Kyle, I sat between them like a piece of salami on a sandwich. Kyle grumbled about not understanding another math problem, so I leaned over to help him. Overall, he remembered a lot from first grade, so I was thankful that there were no outbursts or meltdowns that day. Nicky had chosen to work out of her 'My Little Pony coloring book, so I returned to filling in the pony's body light purple as she had ordered, and she busied coloring the legs and face, past the lines, of course, a bright red.

    At times, I felt like I had to be Super Woman to ensure I allotted my time between my kids. Sometimes I was perfect; other times, I would give myself a 'D,' too tired after a day's work. Kyle required more of my energy because he had many learning problems, including Attention Deficit Disorder, as we learned a year later. 

     I glanced at my watch; it was already time to start dinner. Mr. Time seemed to pass by even quicker now that I have children. I pulled from the refrigerator the salad makings and the bowl of chicken soaking in Teriyaki Sauce.

     "I'm going to help you with dinnew," Nicky said,  having difficulties pronouncing a few consonants. A trait that runs on my side of the family, a comment Alan had made often to tease me.

     "You are? I'd like that." After pouring the olive oil into the frying pan, I turned the heat on low. The burner made a clicking sound,  making me do a little bunny hop backward. Quickly, I turned the burner off and turned the knob again, careful not to turn the burner down too low.

     I glanced over at Nicole as she grabbed a few crayons and stuffed them into the box; a few spiraled onto the table, so she scooped them up again, achieving her goal. I threw the celery, carrots, broccoli, and beans into the sink and started washing them. Thump, thump, thump, Nicky scooted her chair over the terracotta tiled floor towards the center kitchen island. Kyle had finished his homework and disappeared upstairs to play. 

      "I want to help," she said, so I told her she could help me dry the vegetables and handed her a clean dish towel. At four, Nicole had shot up this last year and was much taller than Kyle had been at her age.

     Nicole was excited about sharing her day, and as usual, she chattered as fast as a locomotive flying down the tracks at high speed. With her speech impediments, I found it difficult to follow what she was saying that evening. Usually, I'd have the energy to ask her to slow down. However, that night was not one of those nights because my brain was stuffed with work. Once we taught her brother to stop talking for her, she started chattering like crazy as if to make up for the lost time. I loved listening to her excited Minnie Mouse voice most of the time, but sometimes it pierced the fog in my overactive brain, and that night was one of those nights.

     While Nicole was ripping the lettuce leaves into ant-sized pieces and throwing them into the salad bowl, I cut up the vegetables while I mentally reviewed what I would teach to my students tomorrow. I had four different lesson plans to worry about five days a week, which was a bit overwhelming. 

     It was difficult to concentrate as Nicole kept jabbering on, still not used to how much Nicole talked now. Kyle had a habit of thinking he had to be her interpreter or spokesperson, which was cute for a while, but we realized this wasn't good for her because she was behind developmentally with her speech, but not anymore. Now our little lady talked like crazy as if to make up for the lost time. Wah, I just remembered that I still had some English essays to correct that evening which I had already put off for a few days.

   "Mama, yew not listening to me," Nicole whined. Instantly, I snapped back into the now as if I had been hit by a volleyball. Frozen in the middle of ripping some lettuce, my beautiful daughter stared at me. Her eyebrows furrowed in concern.

   "Yes, I am," I reassured her.

   She quipped back like the clever little girl she was, "No, you not."

   I continued to chop the carrots. I inquired, furrowing my eyebrows, "How do you know I'm not listening?" sounding like a detective. The hot oil sputtered as I placed the chicken breasts gingerly into the pan, dashing to set the splatter screen on top of the skillet before the oil spits out any more commentaries.

     She answered with surprising insight for such a little girl, "Cuz you keep saying, Uh, huh all de time." 

     I froze. The obnoxious fluorescent lights from above seemed like a spotlight illuminating my guilt-ridden face. I looked into her angelic face only to detect, this time, a worried look. A jab of guilt surprised my heart. Oh, my God, I had become, an uh, huh parent, something I had promised myself I would never be. Years earlier, my junior high English students complained about their parents being too busy to listen to them, so they'd say, uh, huh while their teen was attempting to talk to them.

    Teary-eyed, I embraced my bright daughter and kissed her on her curly head. "You're right! I'm so sorry that I wasn't listening. I made a mistake. Please always remind me when I do that. Promise me." I genuinely was furious at myself. If I had the ability to kick myself in my little butt right then, I would have, and I would have deserved it. 

     Her dimples outshone her smile. Semi-curly hair bounced up and down as she nodded her head, "I pwamise." I loved listening to her mispronounce her 'r's.  

     "Sometimes mommy's head gets so busy with school stuff and family things that it's hard to be a good listener. Start all over again, and this time I'll really, really listen. I promise!"  I was surprised by how furious I was at myself but overjoyed that Nicole could express her feelings and that I was open to respecting them and apologizing, at least that time. I tweaked her cheek, and she giggled.

     "We lewned colows today."  

     "That sounds like fun. She started throwing my sliced carrots and tomatoes into the salad bowl. What's your favorite color?"

     "I don't know, maybe wed."

     "I love that color too, but your dad hates it."

     She giggled, "Why?"

     "I think it's just because his father didn't like it." She frowned and then shrugged.   

     One of the easiest mistakes as a parent, I learned it's challenging to slow down and remember to apologize when an error is made. We get caught up in life and forget to write ourselves a note, so we don't forget. Sometimes Alan would tease me because now I write reminders on my hand, or have a few pieces of paper hanging around. I tell him it's because I must deal with that issue that day. ( I know I need to learn how to take notes on my phone.)

     Here are a few ideas about apologizing, just in case you need a refresher. I'm gleaning some of the ideas from this fabulous website which also offers free material and a parenting workshop for a charge written by Amy McCready, a  nationally recognized parenting expert who has written many books. https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/apologizing-to-your-child

Some suggestions when an apology is in order:  (Works well with spouses/friends too.)

1. Own your feelings and take responsibility for them. Sometimes it's okay to be upset or frustrated.        However, it's how we respond to those feelings that aren't okay. It's not alright to yell, punch a wall, slam a door, spank or punch a wall. Your kids are watching and listening: remember, they learn by watching you, plus your reactions could be frightening to them, so it will cause trauma.

2. Connect the way you feel to your action or use appropriate words. In your apology, explain why you felt that way and why it was wrong to react the way you did. In other words, what caused you to react that way? Please do not blame your child for hurting your foot because you tripped over his or her toy they left in the middle of the floor. (Mixing an apology and blame together….not good. This way, your children will learn that they can't act or say inappropriate things either.)

3. Acknowledge that you hurt or scared your child. If the adult's action was based on something the child did or didn't do, explain that your love for him/her is not based on being perfect.

4. Share how you plan to avoid this situation in the future. "I will give you one warning. then if you        don't stop what you are doing, I will ask you to sit in your room for 5 or 10 minutes." This is a perfect opportunity to teach your child how to learn from his or her mistakes to improve themselves. Be specific in what you aim to do to avoid blaming others or yelling. 

5. Always….always… ask for forgiveness.

     Good luck, and remember, all of us are a work in progress, so don't get upset with yourself when you make a mistake.

115 - My Dead Son Warned Me But I Didn't Listen

         For a couple hours, I worked on my memoir, then packed up my writing material, and my computer. Lastly, I gathered my French books and stuffed them into my bookbag. (Now retired, I don’t want to lose the language, plus I want to keep my brain active.)  Probably due to the fact that I had a glass of wine, sugar, my enemy, I felt kind of spacey that morning.  Suddenly I felt Kyle's presence which rarely happens now that he has been up in heaven these last 11 years.  I thought, Hey, how come I can't always get in contact with you? 

     Be careful, he said, in a somewhat commanding voice, totally ignoring my question.

     "And what am I supposed to be careful about?"

     He responded in a calm voice,  Just be careful. Then, pop! Gone. I guess he was busy; usually, we have a few seconds of conversation. But I had learned a while ago that it's difficult to carry on a long conversation with someone who has passed away because you don't have much in common anymore and talking about the past gets a bit old.

     Okay, I thought, I'll be careful, confused about what I'm supposed to watch out for. 

     After packing the car, it was time to wake up Alan, and then we’d be on our way up north to our other house.  I was at the wheel of his Ford Escape, on Grapevine Hwy., with two dogs in the back in their kennel,   I had passed a couple cars; okay, it was more than a couple while ascending the steep hill and decided to slow down once I reached the peak.  I turned on my signal, and as I was pulling safely into the next lane and released the accelerator, I glanced at my speedometer, knowing I should slow down even more. And then I saw him,  a cop car parked at the top of one of the side roads built for trucks that have problems with their brakes. He had something in his hand that he was looking at.  “He got me,” I said.  Immediately, he hopped into his car. 

     Alan gave me a strange look, not understanding because he was on his cell with a client trying to maintain his cool, so I didn’t repeat my comment because, unlike me, I can do two things at once, usually.

   "The black box must be a radar machine." The cop car's light was on but no siren, possibly because he saw me already heading over to the right. I wasn't upset; I was guilty. It took me a while to pull over to the shoulder as there was a sea of cars that day.  At last, I safely pulled over, and Alan gave me a, what's up to look, so I explained again, "Cop, I was speeding." He nodded.

  Yup! He Got me.

     I rolled down the window, and I said through a sheepish grin," You got me!"  I knew I was guilty.

     His boyish hardened face, melted and he laughed, surprised at my admission.  He chuckled slightly, and gave me a crooked grin. “You were going 92. May I see your registration and driver’s license?”

   “Are you sure? When I looked at the speedometer, it read 85.”  Honest, I wasn’t lying. That’s what I had read. Then I wondered if he got me coming up the peak of the hill. I had no idea how fast I was speeding up the hill, but I must admit I had felt like a wild horse leading her pack. 

     He handed me the ticket and said, “I lowered it to 85,” and gave me this big grin. “You can either go to traffic school if you haven’t had an infraction for the last 18 months. I couldn’t find one, so I guess you’re clear.  Or you don’t have to since you haven’t had one for  a while.”

         “I don’t think I’ve had one for about 15 years,” I said as I accepted the ticket. I asked him how I could sign up for a class, and he wrote down the info on my ticket, explaining that I’ll also get info in the mail.  “I think I’ll take the traffic school.”

        “Then the points will be expunged,“ he informed.

        “Thanks,” I said, waving the ticket.”  He gave me a quizzical look. “For at least lowering the speed,” I chuckled.

         He nodded, now understanding, and grinned. “You’re welcome. Have a good day.”

         Alan returned to the car and suggested I follow through on taking the class, and I agreed.  “That ticket is going to cost at least $200. What a waste of money.” I folded the ticket and placed it inside my purse.

       Sowly, I gained speed as the cop followed behind me, probably trying to create a safety buffer, so cars will slow down as I'm trying to get into the slow lane.  

     Only later, after driving for another half an hour, then pulling over to fill up with gas and some pretty dang good roadside tacos, did it hit me. "Oh, shit, that's what he meant."

      Alan looked at me, confused. "What are you talking about?"

      I shared that Kyle had popped in for a split second that morning and said, “Be careful.” He didn’t explain; he just repeated the warning and then split.  Alan ignored my comment and took another bite of his taco, obviously not believing someone from the other side can still talk to a living individual after so many years of being dead.

     Once we returned to the car and I began driving again, I apologized to Kyle for not listening.

     It's okay, mom, his smooth voice replied.   

     I behaved the rest of the trip, but I must admit it was difficult.

114 - A Prayer Known to rid Mental Illness, Reconcile Family Estrangement and Help Those who are Dealing With Weight Issues, Alcoholism or Drug Abuse

 

    

  I stumbled across the Ho’oponopono Hawaiian  Healing Prayer in mid-January of 2021when I was perplexed about what to write about in my next Blog. I was so touched by what I had learned and the many people who had healed from saying it or healed family issues that I started researching this magic prayer. The more I read, the more I realized that not only would this technique make a perfect blog entry, but it is a practice that I had to work into my daily life. Maybe, just maybe, it could change my vibrations, thereby healing the parts of me that created a daughter that refuses to have a relationship with me even after 12 years. Could this simple exercise be the tool to change not only my vibrations, my husband’s, our daughter’s, but help the world?  I’m willing to try almost anything.

     For centuries, the Hawaiian Prayer has been performed on islands throughout the South Pacific, including Hawaii, Samoa, Tahiti, and New Zealand.  Originally it was only practiced in the family unit. Since the extended family usually lived together centuries ago, it was believed that if a family member became mentally or physically ill, someone in the family was thinking negatively: afraid, angry, or either judging themself or others in the family unit.

      Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona, a kahuna lapaʻau (healer) in Hawaiʻi, modified the traditional Hawaiian Prayer in 1976. She was influenced by her Christian education and her philosophical studies about India, China, and Edgar Cayce. She taught this updated version of Hoʻoponopono throughout the United States, Asia, and Europe. This new type of prayer gives everyone a chance to take responsibility for healing their past lives, therefore, ultimately healing their present life.  The Hawaiian Prayer is a practice that involves healing all things by accepting "Total Responsibility" for everything that surrounds us.  Later, and from who knows where, a simpler version has popped up, seeming more like a mantra than a prayer, but I found it extremely powerful after practicing it.  Don’t be surprised if tears start rolling down your cheeks. When I practiced Simeona’s version, I felt a deep stirring in my body as if there was some kind of movement. That was very interesting.  I’m continuing to work with both versions as I've noticed a major change not only in myself but my husband. He’s happier, and his reactions are almost nil.

      This technique changes our cellular memory to purge the negative qualities that are not useful in our lives, such as anger, jealousy, judgment, resentment, etc.  Just think, wouldn’t it be a blessing not to return in another life having to deal with these negative aspects in our lives, or pass these characteristics onto our children?  Even if you don't believe in past lives, I guarantee it will help not only you but your family.

       Dr. Hew Len, a psychologist and an expert in the spiritual practice, Ho’opononopono, was asked to accept a position at the State Mental Hospital in the criminally insane ward in Hawaii. Many who worked there were irritable, afraid of being attacked, often called in sick, or quit.  Dr. Len read the 23 files and practiced the Ho'oponopono process created by Morrnah Simeona at least twice a day while focusing on these files. 

        In three years, the patients who had been shackled were allowed to walk freely; others who’d been heavily medicated were able to have their medications reduced; and those who were diagnosed as having absolutely no chance of ever being released due to their aggressive behavior were freed or sent to a traditional prison, depending on their criminal status. Ultimately, 21 checked out of the hospital and were allowed to go home. However, two patients did not improve. 

         Why weren’t these two healed? Dr. Len explained that these two patients had no karmic connections with him.  It’s believed that this special prayer heals karmic issues that one has had in past lives with other individuals.  

       People asked Dr. Lin what he had done to make such a huge change.  His reply, “I cleaned the part of me that I shared with them which healed the part that created them.” This Prayer energetically cleared the layers of toxic energies within his subconscious. By clearing his harmful energy, energetically, he also cleaned the negative energies of his patients.

      There was even a major change at the hospital; workers stopped calling in sick and quitting. The attitude at the facility had become positive.

     Dr. Lin believes that everything in our life is our responsibility. In other words, we create what’s going on in our family and in the world because of our negative thinking or comments.  Loving yourself is the ultimate way to improve yourself, but as you improve yourself, you change your vibrations, thereby changing the world. To heal your reality, we must erase the memories that gave life to our negative thoughts, which created our world. These memories could occur while in your mother’s womb, preconception, childhood, or adulthood. Yes, even strange as it seems, many of us have inherited negative attributes from previous lives.

     The prayer that I first stumbled upon was a simple prayer, one I could easily remember. Numerous comments posted on various sites share how this technique has healed various problems: disconnect in families, judgments, eating disorders, drug abuse, emotional issues,  alcohol abuse, mental illness, and the list goes on. Just think, if we can forgive ourselves and others, how much our world will change.

     The first time I used the short version, I cried like a baby and was sensitive for two days. But it felt like a load of weight had been lifted from my shoulders regarding all the mistakes I had made, fears I held onto as a parent, and the plethora of judgments about myself and my husband.  My second experience occurred a week later. I had finished grocery shopping and was heading home when I decided to say this simple prayer. But this time, I added my estranged daughter’s name to it and repeated it a few times, some lines even out of order.  I saw us holding hands, sometimes our arms locked. Tears welled up in my eyes when I did this visualization. My vision was so blurry that I had to pull over to the side of the road, where I continued to bawl my eyes out. This time I felt like my heart had opened to loving myself. I felt lighter and, for some odd reason, hopeful. Very strange, I thought.  Another time my husband walked into the kitchen and said, “ Tina, you’re always leaving messes around the house.”  Usually, I argue about that adverb, always, but this time I stopped preparing dinner, looked at him, and said, “I love you, please forgive me.” That was it; I didn’t even say the whole prayer.  His expression instantly melted into a face of love, and he walked over and gave me this huge squeeze. I thought, wow, is this all I need to say when Alan starts getting worked up? I’ll have to remember this.

       Guidelines when saying the short version of the Hawaiian Prayer, which seems to be the most common one shared online and on u-tube (some of the songs will kick up a few tears):

 1.       The prayer can be said out of order.

 2.   No need to focus on any one emotion or incident unless you want.

        3.   If an incident comes up, focus on that while saying the prayer. 

        4.   Trust your intuition. If it tells you to add a name, or a line, or repeat a line, do it.

        5.   Repeat prayer for five minutes each day if possible. (Sometimes I skip a few days, but then                      say  it for half an hour.)

        6.   Say or think the prayer with passion and feeling.

        7.   If the person you are having issues with can sit in the same room with you for five to              fifteen minutes that would be helpful. (This is what was practiced in the old days when family                problems were worked out.)

        8.   Honor whatever issues come up and continue saying the prayer.  Address that part of yourself    that caused the problem in the relationship and send it love. It’s okay to feel the sadness that                    exists but send unconditional love towards that negative energy.

            The Hawaiian Prayer Meditation, for cleansing. (Short version)

                                            I’m sorry

                                      Please forgive me

                                           I love you

                                           Thank you

 

      After much research, I finally found the Prayer created by Morrnah Simeona, which was revised from the traditional Hawaiin prayer.  I’ve just begun using it, and I’m telling you, it’s potent.

 Divine Creator, Father, Mother, Son as one …

If I, my family, relatives, and ancestors, have offended you, your family, relatives, and ancestors in thoughts, words, deeds and actions from the beginning of our creation to the present, we ask your forgiveness … Let this cleanse, purify, release, cut all the negative memories, blocks, energies, and vibrations, and transmute these unwanted energies into pure Light.

 … And it is done.

 

    I would love to hear about your experiences with either of these prayers, as I’m curious how they’ve helped you. Or if you have a question, I’d enjoy hearing from you: My e-mail – tbboivin8@gmail.com    

https://www.pacificaseminars.de/en-hooponopono-english-hawaii-state-hospital.htm  

https://starorchid.net/hooponopono/  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8RpkTpP3gM

https://www.themindfulword.org/2014/hooponopono-clearing-subconscious/

 

113 A Perfect Technique To Do As A Family, In the Classroom, or by Yourself to Releases Negative Thoughts.

 

     Believe it or not, you are human (well, a few of us might be aliens); but everyone makes a few mistakes during our lifetime. We become angry at ourselves or others when a blunder is made, or we are either judging ourselves or others. But to stay present in our lives and be happy, we must release this negative energy as it will zap our concentration and affect our mental and physical health. As a Reiki Master, and Shaman Practitioner, I've seen and felt this negative energy in someone's body a plethora of times.
      Don't compare yourself to others. You are the only you, unique and special. Are you imperfect? Heck, yes. Who isn't? But I wonder if maybe we came into this world imperfect for a reason so that we could learn various lessons: to love our self, to forgive, to accept and honor where an individual is in their life, not to make judgments. Or maybe we are here to learn that the beauty inside ourselves is more important than the beauty outside. Or perhaps we have to learn to get in shape; it's necessary to have discipline. Or possibly we realize that the only way to move forward is to find a good therapist.   

     Some of you are probably thinking, Naw, I never judge myself. I never judge others, and I rarely get angry. (Okay, I'm trying not to giggle.)

     Let's try 'Muscle Testing' on those three statements separately. Hook your thumbs and forefingers together in a figure eight and say one of the above comments in italics. What happens? Do your fingers stay hooked together without you struggling to keep them hooked, or do they break away? Even if they slightly loosen, your body is telling you. Yup! You're lying to yourself.

     The strongest times to release negative thoughts are Christmas, New Year's Eve, Easter, and your birthday, Full Moon, or when there are particular moon phases. However, anytime is acceptable.

     Here's an exercise for you that I learned at a workshop. Don't be surprised if you shed a few tears; some of us did and when I taught it to my students, many cried also. In fact, a lot of my students taught their families the exercise, and a few parents let me know how it pulled the family together.

1. Obtain an 8 ½ X 11 sized paper.

2. Fold the paper in half, length-wise, and find a writing utensil. 

3. On the left side of the paper, write down all the negative things you don't like about yourself or wish you could do better. Include your anger and judgments about yourself and others, including the physical attributes and personality traits you don't like about yourself. No one will see this paper, so let all that anger, judgments, and frustration out. 

4  Then, on the right side, write the positive physical attributes, things you are good at doing, and positive personality traits about yourself.

5. Fold the paper along the line and rip or cut it in half. Place the right side in your wallet or in a safe place so that when you tumble down that dark rabbit hole, you can pull it out and remind yourself what a fabulous unique individual you are.

6. Find a metal empty trash can, or barbecue and some matches. BE SAFE. –  Only adults should be doing this, and children should be under their supervision – Don't do this inside. Make sure you have two gallons of water nearby or your hose is on. If burning your paper is unavailable to you, rip the left half of the paper into tiny bits while saying the lines below or create something in your own words.

7. Say the following out loud or in your head: "Dear Father, Mother, I release all these negative feelings and judgments about myself and others to you. (Then read off your list. You can add more if something pops into your head.) It's time for me to let go of them. I have held onto these negative thoughts and judgments for  too  long." Then light the piece of paper and place it in the metal trash can or barbecue. You can say, 'thank you,' or 'it is done,' or 'Amen.'  

     Watch the paper burn or be aware of ripping the paper into tiny bits. Allow yourself to feel the joy of letting go. You can create your own words. Listen to your heart and trust yourself. Remember, say everything in the present tense because you want to release it NOW.

Enjoy and have a beautiful, safe life.

My e-mail -     tbboivin8@gmail.com           Would love to hear how it worked for you or your children.

 

    

14 - A Powerful Tool to Use After Someone You Love Dies, Especially Suddenly .

    

     A fellow teacher shared a beautiful technique with me a few months after our 22-year-old son died of a heroin overdose called a "Humanistic Funeral."  This technique is a simple and powerful tool to use when someone has unexpectedly died. This sudden death leaves a skeleton hanging in the survivor's closet for quite some time. Often the survivor finds it challenging to let go of the loved one out of love or guilt; therefore, the spirit of the loved one stays earthbound in hopes to help the survivor deal with this distress.

     Seeing or feeling a loved one around you is acceptable for a little while, but it’s not healthy for either of you, so you must release this spirit. I'm a Reiki Master/Shaman Practioner, and oftentimes when I work on someone, I'm fully aware when an individual is holding on to a loved one (whether deceased or living) because there are issues with the heart. Letting go is a gift that you not only give to yourself, but you give to the one who has passed (or has decided to not have a relationship with you) as he or she has a life in heaven. Remember, once you let go, it doesn’t mean that your loved one can’t talk to you. You will still have a spiritual relationship. The bonus is that your loved one will be able to help you more once he/she has crossed over, but only if you still stay open to having this relationship. Most of all, you will be living on this earth in this life, fully present. It took my son and me about five years to trust that I’d be okay and that we’d still be able to talk to each other. And it took me a few different techniques and natural healers to help us cut our earthly ties.

 Humanistic Funeral   - A simple but powerful tool.  (This can be done together as a family or individually.)  

1.  Obtain a candle and light it.

 Any size, color of candle will do, but make sure it's in a safe candle holder.

2. Tell the candle anything and everything that you want to say to that person who has passed.  My husband and I shared all the beautiful qualities our son had. We thanked him for choosing us as his parents, and we reminisced about the funny things he had done. Yes, we even listed our frustrations but shared the lessons we had learned because of them. (If this is done as a family, choose an object to pass around when an individual wants to talk. This way, the family is not talking over each other, and it’s an excellent way to show respect. You can pass a feather around or choose one of the deceased person’s favorite object.)

3. Once finished sharing, we said, “We love you very much, but now it’s time to release you from this Earth plane so you can be where you need to be. You don’t belong here anymore.” We promised that we would be okay and that it’s fine for him to now be on the other side, up in heaven.  (Obviously, you can say whatever you want and in your own words) Telling the candle things we hadn’t even shared with our child when he was alive released tons of pain and tears. This technique made my husband and I feel closer. 

 4. Blow the candle out as it cannot be left to burn down on its own. Decide on an appropriate way of disposing of the candle because your business is finished with it. My husband and I buried it in our garden. If you can’t bury the candle, a trash can works.

 5. Wait a few days and then check to see if the spirit has transitioned to the other side.  Close your eyes and ask your friend or relative who passed away to show himself or herself.  He might say, “Hi,” but you shouldn’t see any part of him/her anymore or feel him in the room. Usually, you will have a more difficult time talking to him, but take a couple of deep breaths to slow your body down, and then you can still talk to your loved one. His/her voice will sound far away. If you have had a horrible day, the deceased might again return, feeling like he or she is needed. (You'll feel his/her energy popping in.) That means you need to cut ties again and remind the spirit that you are okay. 

    Yes, of course, there are bottomless ways a spirit can communicate with you: your favorite song pops on the radio when you are depressed, Kyle broke one of Aan's guitar string because at first, he questioned whether his son was earthbound, smell cigarette smoke, or what my mom likes to do....a hummingbird will fly right in front of me.

     This is also an excellent technique for releasing guilt, anger, or worries you want to let go of.  My husband and I also used it to honor our daughter in surviving in our chaotic house and having the strength to leave to live her own life.

If you wish to write a personal message to me, or share and experience, my email is:    tbboivin8@gmail.com    I will respond in a couple of days.

112 - After Our Son Died, He would Pop in to do the Funniest Things to Make Me Laugh

 

     Exhausted, I drove home after an agonizing day of attempting to teach. I flopped onto the Japanese floral futon and situated the two pillows from my bed behind me,  so I could partially sit up. I pulled in a couple deep breaths, my body soaking in the delicious heat from our sunroom. That day, for some reason, was a painfully agonizing, drawn-out day of trying to stay focused and in the present. It was only in the middle of the school year, and I was ready for June. That day felt like a heavy coastal fog had slowly crept in, shrouding my entire body, refusing to dissipate. Just like usual, depression had drained me of most of my energy. It was almost a year since our son had died of a heroin overdose, and yet there were still too many days; I was overtaken by depression and guilt.

    I pulled in a couple deep breaths, readying myself to meditate. Still, instead, guilty memories plodded through my brain: I was such a horrible parent, too hyper-focused and stressed with teaching, especially when I produced plays to help my son. Kyle, our son, had struggled with alcohol for about two years and then was introduced to heroin and passed away. Our daughter, Nicole, had escaped to a more peaceful life a year before her brother died.  

      I'm sure she had become tired of the worry and fear that was stuck in our house. Yes, I had noticed she had withdrawn, and she had stopped but even when I asked her doctor if I could sign her up for therapy and she told the doc that she was 'okay,' I shouldn't have listened. She stopped sharing her feelings and needs and seemed despondent. I was useless at making any decisions, and when I did make them, they were made out of fear, controlling my daughter's activities. She must have felt like a prisoner in her own home. Torrents of tears ran down my cheeks; my body shook uncontrollably as I gasped for air. Then out of nowhere, the spigot turned off, and I wiped the wet remnants away.

     I realized I was too exhausted to meditate; desperately, I needed a nap. I slipped down onto the futon, stuffed one pillow behind my head, closed my eyes, pulled the warm air through my nostrils, and expelled it through my mouth a few times to slow my brain down. Slowly, the taut ropes in my neck stretched like rubber bands, and my shoulders finally lowered into their unfamiliar position. My lead eyelids closed without a command.

      ZAP! I sat in a small aluminum boat, staring at Kyle's back. He turned around, still holding onto his fishing pole, and said glibly, "Hi Mom," then stared at me for a few seconds with this huge cocky smile. I returned the greeting as I watched him brush his blond bangs out of his eyes with his fingers. This wasn't the first time my son popped in for a magical journey. 

                                                  https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl          

      I looked around. It was a gorgeous sunny day, not too hot. We were in the middle of a lake surrounded by placid light turquoise blue water that emanated luminous sparkles. The lake looked more like an ice skating rink than a place to fish. Kyle seemed too antsy ever to want to go fishing while here on earth, so I asked, "What in the heck are you doing?"

     "Fishing for whales," he said in a curt voice and gave me this strange look as if I should have known this fact already and then turned around.

     Eyeing the small shiny aluminum dingy and his fishing rod with a reel, I lifted my eyebrows and remarked, "Really?" Since he was always a jokester, I decided to ignore his comment. That rod might be big enough to catch river fish, but anything bigger? Yea, right, I thought. Anyway, when was the last time anyone heard of a whale in a lake? I scanned the area again and noticed the gradual golden hills climbing out of the water. I swear, it definitely looked like we were at a lake.

      I was just about to refute his chances of catching a whale when all of a sudden, it looked as if metal rebar had been jammed up his spine. He jerked up hard on his pole a few times, but the tip stayed stationary, stuck in a bow-like position. "I got one!" He yelled excitedly and looked at me, grinning from ear to ear as if to tell me, Ha, told you so.

     Without warning, the boat jerked back and forth, so I grabbed onto the vessel's sides and planted my feet firmly against the hull for stability, not because I was paranoid of being thrown over, but because I disliked the deep cold water lake looked deep. Within a heartbeat, we lurched forward for a few feet, stopped, and then we rode a monstrous wave, and within seconds we were free-falling down into a gully. My heart wasn't beating a mile a minute, and my stomach wasn't tied up in knots. I wasn't even terrified that we could be catapulted into the deep water and either eaten by this giant fish or drowned. I knew that I was safe in this magic world with Kyle, journeying.

      The muscles were taut on my son's arms as he struggled to hold onto the rod, reeling the line in rapidly as he dropped the tip down. I was surprised that he seemed to know what he was doing. Hills of water rose in sections and crashed down upon us while another mountain rose even higher and bashed into the fields of rolling water. Finally, Kyle was able to jerk the pole back a few times past his head, and then he released the tension on the fishing rod. Quickly, he whipped the pole around, catching me off guard, but luckily I ducked, or I would have had a heck of a headache. A colossal wave rose in front of the dingy as if this monstrous whale was about to plop onto our little boat. Unconsciously, I snapped my eyes shut, waiting to be drenched in freezing water, but I opened them after I felt only a heavy spray of water on my body. Finally, the waves subsided, and magically the boat stopped rocking, so I unclamped my hands and relaxed my legs.

     Kyle spun his whole body around and stared at his feet. Following his gaze, I looked down, not realizing he had actually caught something. We both looked up at each other simultaneously, and bellows of infectious insane laughter peeled up from our bellies. My stomach muscles ached. It seemed like minutes had passed. Finally, I spoke through my giggles. "Wow! That's a whale of a fish," I said, attempting to sound impressed.

     The fish was about five inches long, effervescent white except along the transparent edges of the thin body. Kyle bent down, picked up the fish by its tail, gently plucked it off the hook, and said, "Yup, it sure is," as he tossed it back into the water.

   He grinned from ear to ear and cocked his head sideways, studying me for a second. "You okay, now?"

    I smiled, squinting as the brilliant rays from the sun seemed to be hugging him. I nodded. Instantly, I was transported back into the sunroom onto the futon. A flood of joyful tears rolled down my cheeks,  thankful that my son still bounced in whenever I was at my lowest lows.