92 Suggestions for Dealing with a Manipulative Person

      Many of us have been manipulated by a boss, friend, or by someone we love. Usually, we're caught up in the moment or so surprised when it's happening, that we're confused about what to do. Afterward, we become upset with ourselves for allowing it to occur. Sometimes an individual doesn't realize they are manipulating you by lying, distorting the truth, dominating, or emotionally controlling you with their behavior or choice of words.  

     Mrs. W., our principal at Pacoima Junior High, had left a note in my teacher's mailbox telling me she needed to see me during my conference period. Later that day, I walked to her office, and she gestured for me to come in. She didn't ask me to sit down. She didn't greet me or ask how I was doing. That was very unusual.

     "Downtown wants you to sign this paper." She leaned over her desk and pushed the form towards me. I glanced at it quickly. Looked legal. "There isn't enough racial differentiation in the magnet school," she said., "so I need to transfer you out of the regular school."

     "In other words, too many Caucasian teachers," I said, studying her short black curly hair and bright red skirt and jacket. "I wonder if that's my fault?" But I really wanted to say you picked me because I'm the youngest teacher yet not the least experienced. 

     She stood up and walked around her desk to stand next to me, uncomfortably close. Her energy was overpowering, so  I backed up. Was she trying to intimidate me?

     "I need you to sign this. Don't worry; you will continue to teach the magnet classes." She said flatly.

     My brain felt like it was tumbling down Mount Everest. Finally, I stuttered, "I'm concerned that if you left this school, another principal could make me teach regular classes instead of the magnet classes I've been teaching for over 10 years. It would legally place me into the regular school if I signed that paperwork." I couldn't believe I actually got out what I wanted to say. Yes, it sounded like a timid little twerp, but often I'm too shy to speak up, so I was actually proud of myself.

      I could feel her blood boiling. She was used to intimidating people and getting her way. Even though she guaranteed me that nothing would happen, I still refused.     

     "I don't need your signature." Her voice was intense. "I'll transfer your name to the regular school, but I promise you'll still be teaching our magnet students," she said icily. She picked up a black pen and held it out to me.

     I stared at the pen for a second, confused about what to do. Can a principal legally do that? Feeling her eyes burrow into me, I felt extremely uncomfortable, so finally, I signed the paperwork, not happy with myself. As I walked to my classroom, I felt like someone had just struck a match to me. I was furious with myself.  Mrs. W. had made me feel highly uncomfortable, manipulated, and bullied. I should have spoken to our Union Rep to see what I could have done before I signed the paperwork.  Or I should have filed a complaint with our union.

      

Suggestions for dealing with a manipulative individual:

1.    If your boss, boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse has raised his voice where it makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you tell him you'll talk to him when he/she can speak to you calmly and respectfully. If you need to disengage to feel safe, then lock the door, or leave the room or house. Or pull to the side of the road and refuse to move unless he or she gets out of the car.  

2.    If the individual is still in a tirade, then you may need to find a temporary place to stay.  You might tell him this, or you might have to sneak out, it depends if you think he can handle you leaving without going crazy. Tell him that when you return, you expect him/her to stay calm. If you think your partner is going to blow his/her top again, bring a friend, or you might have to call instead.

3.    Do not answer e-mails or calls. This will allow your partner to know that his behavior is unacceptable.  When you are ready to talk, call him and lay down the guidelines needed for you to feel safe so the two of you can speak. First, be aware of why the person might have reacted, then discuss this. This shows compassion. "I understand you don't like it when I buy too many vitamins, so the cabinet looks too full. Or "I understand that you get worried when it's late and I haven't called to check in."  

4. Don't be combative. Don't argue about what happened. Ask how he felt when he went to the 'dark side,' listen intently and restate how your partner felt and his position on the incident. Yes, it'll be difficult not to react, but you must bite your tongue. It doesn't mean you have to agree with what he has said, it means that you are trying to understand his view of what happened and understand his feelings. Stay away from 'you said this' and zero in on the word "I." Do not blame or diagnose what had happened. Take responsibility for your choices and your behavior. Hopefully, the other person will also.

5.   Sometimes it will be challenging to hang on to the truth of what happened as time warps the past, but stay focused on your needs and remember everyone sees things differently as each of us are individuals and have had different experiences. You must remind yourself that you have the right to your own opinion. You have the right to express what you need in a working relationship or a relationship. And you have the right to be treated with respect. Know what you need before the discussion, so you don't waver. Do you need to be treated differently, or do you need the other person to understand your side of the issue?

6.    If your partner tries to blame you for his behavior, don't let him. Keep focused on what was said or done and how you felt. Emotions might run high but stay on the subject. Remember to respect how your partner feels. You may even realize that you would feel this way also if you were in the exact situation. If you still disagree with how he handled the situation, share your point of view without invalidating his.

7.   Remember to set healthy boundaries: "You will not talk to me in that manner, or I will need to leave for a while." "It is my health that I'm dealing with, so I will buy the vitamins I think I need." "You will not call me after twelve unless it's an emergency." "You will not talk to me in that tone of voice because I'm not your child; I'm your partner." And the list goes on.  Solid boundaries and mutual respect will make it easier to get along.    

8.   Set clear consequences for boundary violations, such as: "If you keep yelling at me, I will have to leave because I can't talk to you when you're like this, and I don't feel comfortable." Add positive consequences, too: "If you can settle down to talk about this issue, we'll be able to spend a nice afternoon together."

     The hardest thing to decide is when you've had enough. If your partner is unwilling to get help or refuses to go to counseling, only you can determine if you feel safe and happy enough to continue with this relationship. I had a father who yelled, broke, and threw things. We never knew when he would switch to the dark side, I was used to the ups and downs, so what do I do? I married a pretty similar man. But now that I've gone through years of therapy, my energy and needs have changed. For Alan and I to stay together, he realized that he had to go to counseling with me. No, it's not regularly like I would, but at least he's trying, and we've both improved on many levels of expressing our needs.

   It's important to know when to walk away, whether it's from an adult son who verbally abuses you, to an aunt, friend, or boss.  If they can't regulate their emotions enough to make you feel safe, it might be time to end the relationship. Tell him or her why and explain that you are willing to rekindle the relationship after they get help. 

   Always remember what you need to feel safe, whether it's at work, with friends, or at home. Know your rights and your limits when it comes to someone losing their cool with you. Set clear boundaries and state the consequences. Recognize when the other individual starts losing control or attempts to sidetrack the issue, and always…always, if you start feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, leave.  

References:

Murdock, R. (2012, March 30). Retrieved from https://www.earlytorise.com/how-to-deal-with-manipulative-people–part-two/

Ni, P.  (2014, June 1). How to spot and stop manipulators. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-spot-and-stop-manipulators

 

95 During these Difficult times, many of us are Worried, Scared, Depressed or Temperamental. Here's a Simple Technique

    All of us have experienced depression and stress during our lifetime; it's normal. However, with the third year of the Corona Virus and its variants, many of us are concerned about stepping out in an attempt to return to somewhat of an everyday life. The feeling of uncertainty still exists, and I worry about catching it again. Stress often times will cause us to overreact and say something mean or inappropriate. Some people will tell you, "Just get over it. Tough it up!" Others will say to you, "Just get over it. Tough it up!"


 "Don't bite my head off!"       

     Many people ignore how they feel, but this isn't healthy, nor does this allow you to process your feelings, which make you feel stuck or moody. This stuckness makes you unable to move forward in your life. Either you can't create, have difficulty focusing, or walk around angry. Your brain wants its life back. Your body wants to stop reacting, and your soul wants you to live its life to the fullest. 

Depression or trauma might feel like::

* Blaming yourself for what happened

* Difficulty concentrating

* Losing your temper easily

* Overwhelming thoughts/possibly obsessive

* Shallow breathing where you almost pass out

* Hyperventilate

* Fearful of the future

* Feeling alone

* Anxious or depressed when memories of the traumatic event

*Sometimes, you  feel as if you're standing behind glass blocks, your vision is affected, and you feel like you are not in your body 

     After our daughter left to live her own life,  refusing to talk to us, and then a year later, our son died of a heroin overdose, I was stuck in trauma the majority of the day. It almost took over my life. My trauma therapists helped me reclaim my life, healing not only from the trauma as a parent but also from the many traumas I confronted while growing up.

Here's a quick fix I learned from my therapist that you can use when you feel upset, angry, or detached, not living in the present:  GREAT TECHNIQUE TO TEACH TO KIDS.

  1. Rub the material on your right side; maybe it's a skirt or a pair of pants. Notice the texture.

  2. Then, with the left hand, rub something which has a totally different texture than what the right hand is rubbing. 

  3.   Rub with the right hand, then rub with the left, switching back and forth. Whatever negative issues pop up in your head, say them out loud. Keep stroking, switching back and forth.                     Allow the tears or anger to be released. Recognize that you are safe and that you can take 

         care of yourself. I validate the way I feel by saying it out loud. "I am safe. I now know how to 

         say, 'No.' I'm not that helpless little girl anymore, etc.;" You'll know when you are done. It 

         might take a few times to unlock the emotions from your body because you've been so tricky

         in hiding them.

  4.   If any other emotions pop up follow the same release guidelines. 

This technique releases the emotions from the right brain and transfers them to the left brain, which is the logical side.   Be open to letting go.

Blog #4 also discusses other techniques to release trauma/depression. 

http://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2017/12/4-depressed-kick-your-butt-immediately.html

109 Techniques that Zap Negative Thoughts which will Help Protect you from Depression and Illness

      Life is too short to be stuck in the negative zone. Did you know that negative thinking and fear change our aura, the energy field around us? This makes us susceptible to depression, the inability to focus, colds, flu, and many severe illnesses. Our positive thoughts, the healthy food we consume, and the environment we live in helps us stay healthy. If we continually project fear of getting sick or we worry about others or about how we're going to pay the rent, we are decreasing this protective shield around us. Trusting that everything is going to be okay is often a hard concept.

https://www.google.com/search?q=negative+thoughts

What is an aura?
     An aura is an electromagnetic energy field surrounding people, animals, and things. A few people can feel anxious, happy, or in the wrong place. This is because they pick up the energy from the individual's aura. Remember that your aura is an extension of you. When healthy, it acts as a protective shield. It can leave you drained and open to illnesses when fragile or damaged. Sometimes I have to move away from an individual because the person's energy is dark, making me want to vomit. If I can't move to another area, there are techniques that I use to protect myself.

A test you can do with a family member or a friend:   

     Rub your hands together for a few seconds, then face your palms to each other about five inches apart. You might feel a slight buzzing; this is good. Now see if you can feel that bubble around your child or partner's aura which is about arms' length from their body. Now gently push on that bubble. Do you think it? It almost feels like a balloon. Go ahead, feel this aura all around the individual. If your hand pops through an area or feels gushy, that means there's a hole in the aura. This is caused by many things: our environment, what we eat, any internal/mental illness, negative thinking, fear,  and the list goes on. That is a concern because these holes permit negative energy to seep in.  

     Or you might find that this field is strong and healthy like Jello, bouncy, but firm. That is what we want.

A test you can do all by yourself:

     Think a positive thought, and feel that happiness while you're pointing fingers and thumb, are hooked together, looking almost like a figure eight. Then try to pull them apart while you are thinking positive thoughts. This is called Muscle Testing, which tests the body's sensitivity to allergens. Was it hard or easy?

     Now think about the Coronavirus, your fear of what could happen…. - Hook fingers together and pull. What happens? The fingers should have easily torn apart. Okay, now say, "I take that fear and take it to my love and light." Feel this truth. Now hook your fingers together and think about the Coronavirus or something negative. What happens this time? You shouldn't have been able to pull your fingers apart. This simple technique will help cancel many different types of fears.

Here's a prayer about COVID, but you can make it about anything.
      Remember to keep the prayer in the present if you ask for anything, "I respect the COVID Virus. These difficult times are teaching me how to reconnect with family and friends. It's teaching me to slow down and see what's truly important in my life. It's making me realize how beautiful life is. It's teaching me compassion." You can add your own comments. 

     Remember, fear, worry, hate, and judgment weaken your immune system over time.  

Let's do some work on our aura to clean it up.

     If you haven't forgiven yourself or someone for something that you or they did wrong, the time is now. Push pride aside and ask for forgiveness. Don't give any excuses/reasons for why you said or did what you did to that individual. Just apologize. Remember, we are humans and are here on this planet to learn lessons. A suggested helpful blog to read -  BLOG 100  -  Releasing Negative thoughts about Ourself and Others is Imperative  for  Your Health   https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2019/03/100-what-would-happen-if-we-released.html

100 Releasing Negative Thoughts about Our Self and Others is Imperative fo

Ways to protect yourself from negative energy:

     

  Ways to release negative energy: Say a prayer if you want to be protected from negative energy. Mine is something like this: "Dear Father, Mother (I also sometimes ask angels or a couple of saints to help). Please protect me today from all negative energy." Then, I see beautiful white/golden starry light shooting down from the sky, surrounding me like a shield. (You might see another color, accept that color.)  This technique should be used every day, and then in the evening, I swoosh away the garbage from my body. And place a new shield around you. My problem is I forget to do this every day  (This doesn't mean I'm not wearing masks or  using hand sanitizer during this COVID problem, nor does it mean I'm having parties at my house.) But at least I'm feeling like I'm wearing some armor when I do go out.

     I've been doing this for years because I have always pulled in people's negative energy, which made me exhausted, unfocused, or grumpy. (A lot of children are Indigo Children. They are susceptible and easily upset because their bodies are trying to heal everyone. This is useful for them.) 

Ways to strengthen your aura:
-  Meditate – it calms the mind, therefore calming the body

-  Be out in nature, even if it's your backyard or on your balcony

-  Use sea salts for bathing or dip your feet in water every day
-  Stay away from electromagnetic fields as much as possible. (Turn off wi-fi in the house for a few         hours) This will lower energy in the home which tends to make us nervous and unfocused

 Stay positive
     Remind yourself and your children about the positive things you are thankful for.