92 Suggestions for Dealing with a Manipulative Person

      Many of us have been manipulated by a boss, friend, or by someone we love. Usually, we're caught up in the moment or so surprised when it's happening, that we're confused about what to do. Afterward, we become upset with ourselves for allowing it to occur. Sometimes an individual doesn't realize they are manipulating you by lying, distorting the truth, dominating, or emotionally controlling you with their behavior or choice of words.  

     Mrs. W., our principal at Pacoima Junior High, had left a note in my teacher's mailbox telling me she needed to see me during my conference period. Later that day, I walked to her office, and she gestured for me to come in. She didn't ask me to sit down. She didn't greet me or ask how I was doing. That was very unusual.

     "Downtown wants you to sign this paper." She leaned over her desk and pushed the form towards me. I glanced at it quickly. Looked legal. "There isn't enough racial differentiation in the magnet school," she said., "so I need to transfer you out of the regular school."

     "In other words, too many Caucasian teachers," I said, studying her short black curly hair and bright red skirt and jacket. "I wonder if that's my fault?" But I really wanted to say you picked me because I'm the youngest teacher yet not the least experienced. 

     She stood up and walked around her desk to stand next to me, uncomfortably close. Her energy was overpowering, so  I backed up. Was she trying to intimidate me?

     "I need you to sign this. Don't worry; you will continue to teach the magnet classes." She said flatly.

     My brain felt like it was tumbling down Mount Everest. Finally, I stuttered, "I'm concerned that if you left this school, another principal could make me teach regular classes instead of the magnet classes I've been teaching for over 10 years. It would legally place me into the regular school if I signed that paperwork." I couldn't believe I actually got out what I wanted to say. Yes, it sounded like a timid little twerp, but often I'm too shy to speak up, so I was actually proud of myself.

      I could feel her blood boiling. She was used to intimidating people and getting her way. Even though she guaranteed me that nothing would happen, I still refused.     

     "I don't need your signature." Her voice was intense. "I'll transfer your name to the regular school, but I promise you'll still be teaching our magnet students," she said icily. She picked up a black pen and held it out to me.

     I stared at the pen for a second, confused about what to do. Can a principal legally do that? Feeling her eyes burrow into me, I felt extremely uncomfortable, so finally, I signed the paperwork, not happy with myself. As I walked to my classroom, I felt like someone had just struck a match to me. I was furious with myself.  Mrs. W. had made me feel highly uncomfortable, manipulated, and bullied. I should have spoken to our Union Rep to see what I could have done before I signed the paperwork.  Or I should have filed a complaint with our union.

      

Suggestions for dealing with a manipulative individual:

1.    If your boss, boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse has raised his voice where it makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you tell him you'll talk to him when he/she can speak to you calmly and respectfully. If you need to disengage to feel safe, then lock the door, or leave the room or house. Or pull to the side of the road and refuse to move unless he or she gets out of the car.  

2.    If the individual is still in a tirade, then you may need to find a temporary place to stay.  You might tell him this, or you might have to sneak out, it depends if you think he can handle you leaving without going crazy. Tell him that when you return, you expect him/her to stay calm. If you think your partner is going to blow his/her top again, bring a friend, or you might have to call instead.

3.    Do not answer e-mails or calls. This will allow your partner to know that his behavior is unacceptable.  When you are ready to talk, call him and lay down the guidelines needed for you to feel safe so the two of you can speak. First, be aware of why the person might have reacted, then discuss this. This shows compassion. "I understand you don't like it when I buy too many vitamins, so the cabinet looks too full. Or "I understand that you get worried when it's late and I haven't called to check in."  

4. Don't be combative. Don't argue about what happened. Ask how he felt when he went to the 'dark side,' listen intently and restate how your partner felt and his position on the incident. Yes, it'll be difficult not to react, but you must bite your tongue. It doesn't mean you have to agree with what he has said, it means that you are trying to understand his view of what happened and understand his feelings. Stay away from 'you said this' and zero in on the word "I." Do not blame or diagnose what had happened. Take responsibility for your choices and your behavior. Hopefully, the other person will also.

5.   Sometimes it will be challenging to hang on to the truth of what happened as time warps the past, but stay focused on your needs and remember everyone sees things differently as each of us are individuals and have had different experiences. You must remind yourself that you have the right to your own opinion. You have the right to express what you need in a working relationship or a relationship. And you have the right to be treated with respect. Know what you need before the discussion, so you don't waver. Do you need to be treated differently, or do you need the other person to understand your side of the issue?

6.    If your partner tries to blame you for his behavior, don't let him. Keep focused on what was said or done and how you felt. Emotions might run high but stay on the subject. Remember to respect how your partner feels. You may even realize that you would feel this way also if you were in the exact situation. If you still disagree with how he handled the situation, share your point of view without invalidating his.

7.   Remember to set healthy boundaries: "You will not talk to me in that manner, or I will need to leave for a while." "It is my health that I'm dealing with, so I will buy the vitamins I think I need." "You will not call me after twelve unless it's an emergency." "You will not talk to me in that tone of voice because I'm not your child; I'm your partner." And the list goes on.  Solid boundaries and mutual respect will make it easier to get along.    

8.   Set clear consequences for boundary violations, such as: "If you keep yelling at me, I will have to leave because I can't talk to you when you're like this, and I don't feel comfortable." Add positive consequences, too: "If you can settle down to talk about this issue, we'll be able to spend a nice afternoon together."

     The hardest thing to decide is when you've had enough. If your partner is unwilling to get help or refuses to go to counseling, only you can determine if you feel safe and happy enough to continue with this relationship. I had a father who yelled, broke, and threw things. We never knew when he would switch to the dark side, I was used to the ups and downs, so what do I do? I married a pretty similar man. But now that I've gone through years of therapy, my energy and needs have changed. For Alan and I to stay together, he realized that he had to go to counseling with me. No, it's not regularly like I would, but at least he's trying, and we've both improved on many levels of expressing our needs.

   It's important to know when to walk away, whether it's from an adult son who verbally abuses you, to an aunt, friend, or boss.  If they can't regulate their emotions enough to make you feel safe, it might be time to end the relationship. Tell him or her why and explain that you are willing to rekindle the relationship after they get help. 

   Always remember what you need to feel safe, whether it's at work, with friends, or at home. Know your rights and your limits when it comes to someone losing their cool with you. Set clear boundaries and state the consequences. Recognize when the other individual starts losing control or attempts to sidetrack the issue, and always…always, if you start feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, leave.  

References:

Murdock, R. (2012, March 30). Retrieved from https://www.earlytorise.com/how-to-deal-with-manipulative-people–part-two/

Ni, P.  (2014, June 1). How to spot and stop manipulators. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-spot-and-stop-manipulators