26 - As Parents and Teachers We Need to Teach Our Kids To Tell Someone
Can you PLEASE tell me why teens think it’s important to not tell on their friends? I taught for about 35 years. And every single year I usually had a couple of students who wrote me a letter or asked to speak to me in private to share that either themselves or a friend was on something, had been raped, was being harassed by someone, bulimic, anorexic, sexually abused, had been drinking alcohol, or was a cutter. (Did I leave anything out?)
But about the last eight years of my teaching career, from 2007 to retirement in 2015, no one said anything, no hints, no notes, no letters, no death poems. Nothing. After our son passed away, I was furious with many of his friends who knew he was using something other than marijuana and heard voices in his head, yet not one single person called us. And yes, we knew some of his friends.
Finally, I had it. After Kyle passed away, I needed to understand this new generation of 'I can’t get involved kids.' Have kids changed so much because of cell phones, Facebook, and computers that they can’t see outside their own little world? I talked to my classes about what used to happen and what didn’t happen anymore. I reiterated that kids used to come to me about their friend who vomited after every meal, or had been raped by a neighbor, or was drinking at school. What's changed?
One young man responded, “It's not our business.”
I had to bite my lip as I was on the verge of yelling, What do you mean it's not your business?
I called on another student, and she admitted that she didn't want to make her friend mad at her. After I picked myself up from the floor, only kidding, I asked them, “Aren’t all of us on this huge planet a family, no matter what nationality, religion, color, or beliefs?” If someone is doing something unhealthy or wrong, then it is your responsibility to tell an adult because you should care about each other's well-being.
Through blurry vision, I swallowed hard and asked? “What could have happened if one person had called us and shared that Kyle was hearing voices or was on hard drugs?”
A couple of kids said, “You could have gotten him more help.”
I nodded, choking back the tears. " Yes, it was a possibility. Maybe, just maybe, we could have gotten him into a full lockdown program if we had even known he was using again. He was 22 and could have refused, but maybe he wouldn't have."
The class was quiet. I was trying to hold onto my professional role as a teacher, so I wouldn't have a total breakdown in front of my students.
I ended the mini-lesson with a journal entry, an African Proverb that Alan and I had chosen to share at our son's memorial: What does 'It takes a village to raise a child' mean to you personally, and have you had any situation(s) in your life where you should have told an adult something that had happened to a friend or yourself which was not okay?
The next day, a student asked to go to the bathroom, and he reentered the classroom almost breathlessly. “Ms. B., there are two kids in the bathroom passing a whiskey bottle back and forth,” I thanked him and immediately called the dean’s office. The kids were caught, parents called, and students were disciplined and placed in a school program for drugs and alcohol.
I was thankful I had that conversation with my students because even more students came forward with problems. I wish I could have spoken to the whole school about this issue. Kids need to know when there is a severe issue, it’s not tattle-telling; it is their business because they care.
25 - A Simple Technique to Reconnect to your Partner and Children - 'The Heart to Heart Hug'
One day after sharing with my therapist that sometimes I feel like renting an apartment, away from Alan. She asked me how my husband’s energy was when he arrived home after being gone all day working. I shared that now that I’m retired and staying home in this quiet environment called home without the stress of teaching or dealing with traffic, I sense Alan’s energy even more. At times I feel this static-like energy I hear coming from one of those metal high-intensity electrical utility poles. Honestly, sometimes I want to sneak out the back door and disappear for a while. He's always been a high-energy person.
She shared that when family members are out of the house working, going to school, and at friend's homes, etc., they might have adverse situations occur which cause stress, anger, or frustration. My therapist taught me an amazing technique to reconnect. She told me that once Alan walked through the door, to immediately ask him to lay his briefcase and rolls of building plans down and hug. (If you have children, do not let them interfere. This time is between the parents right now.) We raise our left arm and place it over the person’s shoulder or on the side of their upper arm if they’re taller than us. The right arms slide nicely under that lifted left arm. NO TALKING!!! (If you raise your right arms over each other's shoulders, you are liver to liver, this doesn't do much, you need heart to heart.)
And for those of you who have children, I’m sure you’ve found that they sometimes have great difficulty focusing or are up and down emotionally, especially after being out of the house. Many of our children are Indigo Children. Therefore, they pick up other people’s energy easily, or they unconsciously heal others. (Blog #3.) You can do this technique with each child once they arrive home. Ask each child whose turn it is first. Tell them to feel it in their body. The body will let them know if they should go first. (This is a technique I learned from a miraculous healer, Hazel Carter.) This way, no one is arguing or overriding each other. Also, you're not expected to remember who went first the last time, forget, and then the comment, "You're playing favorites!' Your kids are slowing themselves down to feel what their body needs . It also teaches them to honor that a brother or sister needs to go first this time. This method might take a little while at first, but the lids will get used to it.
I wish this technique would have existed when I was a child. It sure would have helped all 8 of us to reconnect instead of feeling like a soccer ball that's kicked back and forth. My father had a high-intensity job, so he’d come home and yell all too often. It wasn’t fun a lot of times living in that house. Heart to Heart cues the body to slow down, and it reminds everyone in the family that you love each other.
The additional plus is that a hug has an almost immediate impact on health, lowering your heart rate and inducing a calming effect that improves mood. Hugging is as beneficial for the person giving a hug as for the person receiving the hug. Oxytocin is released in response to physical touch. The neuropeptide oxytocin, released by your pituitary gland, is a naturally occurring hormone in your body with incredibly powerful, health-giving properties.
Videos showing and talking about the correct way to do “Heart to Heart Hugs”:
(This video goes into detail, with drawings to explain the different ways to hug and how it helps.)
( I like this video because it’s a father and son (I think) that explain the Heart to Heart Hug and demonstrate it. If you have boys, this might help show them, so they don’t think it’s a girly thing.)
Would love to hear how you felt or if it helped you or your family to reconnect. tbboivin8@gmail.com
24 - Are you Guilty of not Listening to that Little Voice in your Head or that Unique Feeling that Something is Wrong?
"Intuition is a direct perception of the truth of a fact received from an instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning." - Merriam-Webster Dictionary. It can also be a gut feeling or instinct. Sometimes it’s a feeling. Other times words or visuals float or pop into your head. Many of us have experienced intuition at least a few times in our lives, and yet either we are too busy to slow down to listen to it, or we’re too scared to acknowledge the truth. However, many times, we forget to deal with the issue because we are experiencing a lot of stress or trauma in our life.
Slam! I woke up, recognizing
the scratchy sound of our sliding kitchen glass door. Damn! I thought. It’s Kyle sneaking in. I
glanced at the clock: it was 2am. Since his struggle with drugs, and a
breakdown, we had set a curfew for our 22-year-old son, and it wasn’t 2am. I
hopped out of bed and scampered down the wooden staircase. But the dark figure highlighted by the
half-moon wasn’t Kyle. To my surprise, it was our 17-year-old daughter,
Nicole.
“What are you doing outside
at this hour?” I whispered intensely, my heart pounding.
“I couldn’t go to sleep, so I
took a walk in the park,” she answered quietly. But her face was incongruous
with that peaceful statement. Her eyes were enormous. She was scared. In
a ping of a second, I wondered what she had to be afraid of. But that’s not all
I sensed. She had been with a male. I could feel it. I stared at her, my tongue
bolted to my bottom jaw. I didn’t know what to say and was sure if I said it, our voices would rise, waking up Alan and Kyle, so I decided to talk to her
about it the following day.
I noticed a grayish
rectangular plastic piece on the floor.
I picked it up and realized it was a sensor for the house alarm that
that fallen from the sliding glass door. It must have popped off when Nicole
had slammed the door. I reached down and
picked it up. “Don’t ever do that again. It could be dangerous. If you fell,
there would be no one out there to help you.”
A streak of stubbornness snuck into her voice,
a tone that I rarely heard. “No one is going to hurt me.” Her whole body straightened like an oak
plank.
“Nicole, there are mountain
lions that live in our hills,” my voice rose, but then I lowered it back to a
whisper. “They could attack you.”
She shot back, “I’ve never
heard of an attack up here.”
Well, I couldn’t argue about that one; she was
right. “Well, you could trip and fall.
Every week there’s a helicopter lifting someone to a hospital. No more night hikes.” I softened my voice; the button stuck on
fear. “Promise?”
A stiff nod followed, one that I wasn’t quite sure I believed.
“Let’s get to bed. We have
school tomorrow.”
Because my body was still stuck
in trauma mode due to Kyle’s idrinkinssues, her older brother, the promise to talk to Nicole the next day
evaporated like a muddy pool of water. Too much chaos in my brain. I should
have written down a reminder to talk to her.
I was surprised that I wasn’t angry with
Nicole for sneaking out, just scared that something horrible would happen while
she was in the state park at night. Girls have been sneaking out for centuries.
Yes, even I did it. I
was upset with myself about missing the opportunity to have a discussion with
her, which would have possibly opened doors that had been closed in our
relationship for about two years. This opportunity for discussion might have
even brought us into much-needed family therapy. But most of all, if I would have been
grounded, I would have been able to listen and follow through with all the
little hints I saw or felt or was told by that magic little voice inside my
head that something was very wrong.
To receive information, we need to be relaxed and be open. When you notice you can’t concentrate, or you
are overreacting to life or worried all the time, your body is clogged up. Also,
if you are drinking too much or using drugs, sometimes this will also block your
intuition.
Tools to help you listen to that tiny voice, feeling or
vision:
1. I know this will sound a bit bizarre, but apologize to your body for not listening to the messages that it has been trying to send to you and promise you will be working on being a better listener. No need to feel guilty, as this is a negative emotion that also sets up blocks.
2. Breathe through your nose some nice slow deep breaths. Focus on your heart while doing this or a spot in the room – ( GREAT TO TEACH KIDS BEFORE THEY’RE ABOUT TO FREAK OUT.)
3. Walk outside. Focus on a tree, or a flower, or the sky and breathe deeply. Pick up a rock and look at the colors, feel its texture. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Do this a few times till you feel grounded.
4. If you want long-term effects on mental and emotional health, incorporate meditation into your life,
look at Blog # 7 - "How to Meditate."
23 - Anxiety and fear can take over your life.......
Ever feel like your head is about to explode?
People who suffer from Anxiety Attachment Disorder feel the tension and a sense of inability to deal with typical situations. Often times they will envision the worst possible outcome of a problem. This disorder will make a person overly concerned about work, family issues, or money so much that they will foresee disaster happening and make inappropriate adjustments to their lives in response to heavy symptoms of stress and anxiety disorders. If these symptoms persist for over 6 months and show no signs of ending, you need to call your doctor.
How many of you have felt this way, even for a week? A month? Four months? Life keeps us busy with work, kids, house responsibilities, extra-curricular activities, and the Pandemic's stress. Or you are the single caregiver to a family member who is also highly stressed. Keep your life in check. Make sure if you are married that, your partner is helping out. All too often, women take on the role of Super Mom, except you can't fly. We think we must do everything because our partner is so busy that we feel sorry for him/her. The BIG problem is that your brain explodes if you do everything for everyone over an extended period. Not really. But for me, it felt like it… over and over again. Your husband or partner is still part of the family. He or she needs to feel needed. (My husband, Alan, complained after the kids left to live their own lives that he felt unneeded. Interesting, huh?) Like you, your partner can adjust his schedule to take the kids to a soccer match or a dentist appointment every once in a while.
Menopause had thrown me for a loop, and even though I tried various alternatives: birth control pills, natural hormones, and finally, antidepressants, they helped little. (Surprised my doctor didn't suggest that I needed counseling.) I still had this uncontrolled energy of fear running through me, sometimes feeling like I had stuck my finger in an electrical socket. Constantly I broke down in tears.
I had various visions; one vision was of his car being wrapped around a light post with Kyle's body lying on the ground. Or when he went to Henry's house, I'd have these horrible dreams about them drinking themselves to drunkenness or trying drugs.
Then once Kyle began driving, my fear of losing him intensified and sadly spread to thinking I would lose Nicole, so I became overprotective of her. When Nicole started 6th grade, I would drop her off at someone's house and then envision guys coming over to the house or the girls going to the mall, meeting up with some older boys, and going over to their place advantage. Or I envisioned that she had disappeared. When she asked to stay over at someone's house, I think she could feel my heart chiseling inside my chest, trying to break through. I was constantly on edge and ungrounded. When she had difficulty in 7th grade, I was worried that she felt unloved and that we weren't giving her enough attention because Kyle stole so much of our energy, so I tried to give her more, which probably made her feel claustrophobic. Sadly, she stopped asking me to go to anyone's house. But every once in a while, I could hear the sliding glass door slide open, but too tired to check. I'm sure she felt my fear whenever she asked if she could go somewhere, and finally, she gave up.
Menopause had thrown me for a loop, and even though I tried various alternatives: birth control pills, natural hormones, and finally, antidepressants, they helped little. (Surprised my doctor didn't suggest that I needed counseling.) I still had this uncontrolled energy of fear running through me, sometimes feeling like I had stuck my finger in an electrical socket. Constantly I broke down in tears.
I had various visions; one vision was of his car being wrapped around a light post with Kyle's body lying on the ground. Or when he went to Henry's house, I'd have these horrible dreams about them drinking themselves to drunkenness or trying drugs.
Then once Kyle began driving, my fear of losing him intensified and sadly spread to thinking I would lose Nicole, so I became overprotective of her. When Nicole started 6th grade, I would drop her off at someone's house and then envision guys coming over to the house or the girls going to the mall, meeting up with some older boys, and going over to their place advantage. Or I envisioned that she had disappeared. When she asked to stay over at someone's house, I think she could feel my heart chiseling inside my chest, trying to break through. I was constantly on edge and ungrounded. When she had difficulty in 7th grade, I was worried that she felt unloved and that we weren't giving her enough attention because Kyle stole so much of our energy, so I tried to give her more, which probably made her feel claustrophobic. Sadly, she stopped asking me to go to anyone's house. But every once in a while, I could hear the sliding glass door slide open, but too tired to check. I'm sure she felt my fear whenever she asked if she could go somewhere, and finally, she gave up.
As a teacher, I started having trouble remembering what I had taught the previous days. Luckily, I had made lesson plans so I could review the lesson. Unfortunately, remembering students' names was almost impossible, even though I had some of them for three years. I felt like my head was going to explode. And all too often, I spurt out immature comments without thinking ahead. A few times, when driving, I forgot what off-ramp I was supposed to exit, even though I have lived in the area for 14 years. I was positive I was either losing my mind or starting dementia or possibly both.
I cried a lot in Alan's arms. Then when I was about to commit myself to a sanitarium, not really, but I felt like that was my next step; someone told me about Emotional Freedom Therapy
- This therapy I did on my own, but if
it doesn't work, find a therapist.
eft.mercola.com (scroll down to
the bottom of the site, and you will find tons of different u-tube
demonstrations, from healing chronic pain to getting rid of sugar addiction. – (I
used this therapy to cut my karmic ties with my son after his 10th car
accident, and I had become a fearful, nervous wreck.)
EFT is a form of psychological acupressure
using the energy meridians acupuncturists use but without needles. Instead,
you tap with your fingertips on specific spots while thinking about your
issue (pain, trauma, drug use, etc. You then vocalize a positive statement, thus
clearing the blockage and restoring your body's balance, physically and
mentally. Before starting, you give your problem a number from 1-10, and then
after tapping the sequence, you again will give your situation a number. Usually,
you will find that a few EFT rounds are necessary to get the reaction scale
down to at least a 2.
https://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/tapping-basics/how-to-do-eft.html This site should answer many questions and have the whole process typed up.
https://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/tapping-basics/what-is-eft.html This site has a basic tutorial taught by the
founder, who explains the method very well. But if you want a therapist that practices this technique near you, look online.
I cried like crazy the first two times I practiced this technique. Thinking my fears were normal regarding my daughter, I didn't cut my cords with her until she had left home to live her own life. Naive of me.
Be aware of changes in yourself. Slow down. Take care of yourself. Get help. YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO!
22 - Talk to your kids about sex before they enter junior high......
Kyle, our son, wasn't afraid to look silly. Pretending to put some gas down his pants.
One gorgeous Saturday spring afternoon, I drove down the windy Topanga Canyon to pick Kyle up at his best friend, Henry’s, house. The road was busy like it usually was on a Saturday afternoon. Consequently, I found myself becoming annoyed at the slow drivers. A virgin Topanga driver was in front of me, which meant slow driving. Irritating. I had a lot of gardening that I wanted to finish that day. Reminding myself to relax, I sucked in a couple of deep breaths and expelled the air slowly.
Finally, I arrived at Henry’s house and parked right in front of his father’s little white bungalow off of Topanga Canyon and walked up the path carefully so as not to trip on the uneven pavement. A few low scraggly bushes were growing against the front of the house, and about a million dandelions speckled the sad lawn. I knocked and waited a few minutes, watching the numerous cars buzz by, then pounded on the door louder.
A blond teen with perfect long straight blond hair opened the door a sliver. “Good morning,” I said. She mirrored my greeting but still did not open the door. I thought that was strange.
“Nice morning, huh?” she dragged the question out. Slowly, she opened the door, and I stepped in, wondering why she was given the job to waylay me at the door. Another girl sat on the couch watching some unrecognizable movie. Oh, my God, was my ninth grader already sexually active? No way, I thought. Kyle’s so immature for his age. What’s that got to do with it, I realized. My heartbeat started revving up.
The place looked like a typical bachelor’s pad. The wadded-up socks and displaced tennis shoes must have been used for a soccer game because the numerous pairs were on opposite sides of the room. Dried tomato sauce and something that could have been the remains of a salad was stuck on the plates. My eyes zeroed in on the Coors cans still on the coffee table and floor. However, no Henry or Kyle is in the picture. Were they drinking last night?
Suddenly I hear, “Uh, Uh” and “Yeah, Yeah,” as if an explosion of orgasm was about to occur in Henry’s bedroom. The blood in my whole body turned to cement. Immediately, I snapped out of my frozen state and took a couple of long strides down the short hallway, yanking Henry’s bedroom door open without knocking.
Henry was shirtless, sitting propped up against the wall next to a bronze girl with eyes that had no pupils. The other girl had strawberry blond hair and green eyes. Henry’s arms were around both of their shoulders. All three had this look of surprise. The sheets and blankets were pulled up around the girls’ necks, covering their nudity.
Suddenly, Kyle popped up from under the sheets, and a paper-thin girl boinged up right beside him, laughing with her Colgate smile. “Hiya, mom! Gottcha.” Henry chirped (he always called me mom) while scratching his messed-up curly locks.
Kyle straightened his skinny body up to lean against the pillows that were behind him. My eyes bounced back and forth between the five young people sitting on the King-sized bed, laughing or giggling hysterically at me. I was freaking… Did they have a fivesome at their age?
Almost on cue, the girls dropped the sheet to show that they were fully clothed. Henry and Kyle were grinning like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. I replayed the scene in my head when I first walked in. Now I realized that Henry and the two girls had imitated the acting style common in silent movies, over-exaggerated.
That should have given me a hint. But I was stuck in what I was afraid had happened, S-E-X, a word Nicole, our daughter, had spelled out when we had taken the whole family to see the movie, Titanic. She was about five, and she leaned over and whispered in my ear as the two main characters entered the car, “Mom, you know they have, s-e-x in this movie.” She spelled the word out. I placed my hand over her eyes, wondering how does she know that.
Mom, it’s a joke.” Kyle smiled and pulled his hands from around the girl’s shoulders, and stood up with his jeans on. ”Hello, earth to mom. It’s a joke.”
Henry was cackling. “Tina, you should have seen your face!” He was so proud of their scheme. The rest of the clothed actors rose and exited the cracker box bedroom. I had been set up.
I didn’t smile. I didn’t say one solitary word. What was I so afraid of, Kyle experiencing sex way earlier than I did? Or was I afraid he was too immature to experience sex?
Once we got into the car, I again discussed my concern about no adult supervision. “Mom, nothing’s going to happen.”
“Kyle, I trust you, but I’m not so sure I trust the girls. You’re a good-looking teen; my female students drool over you. But my students also tell me shocking stories about what happens when their parents aren’t home. Drugs, sex, drinking. Listen, I’m not stupid. I know you’ll experience sex, but I’m asking you to wait a little while so you’re more mature. If you can’t, please promise me you’ll use condoms. You don’t want to be a teen with a baby, honest. I’ll even buy you a box. No questions. I promise.”
“You’re going to buy me a box of babies?” he laughed.
“You know what I meant.” I hit him playfully on the head, always the funny guy.
He gave me his infamous sideways smirk and said, “Mom, don’t worry, I have to get a girlfriend first, and that hasn’t happened yet.”
I laughed, “Ok, just want to let you know where I stand on that subject. Now, as for the beer, yeah, don’t think I didn’t notice the empty beer cans all around.”
“We didn’t drink those. Jerry’s friends were here last night.” (That's Henry's dad.)
Kyle seemed sincere, but I was still unsure. “Uh-huh,” I said.
“Honest, mom.” I continued to discuss how having a child at his age would change his life drastically. (A conversation we had already had when he was in 8th grade.) Of course, I told him that Alan and I would help out if it happened. I shared how one of my junior high students became a daddy in 7th grade even though he used a sandwich bag as a condom, but it broke. Kyle cracked up, not believing me, but yup, it was true. The kid swore and admitted his mistake in front of the whole class and told them he was too young to be a dad and that he wished he had waited. Even one of the counselors told me she had walked into the girl's bathroom to make sure kids weren't hiding in between classes and what did she find? Yup, right in the bathroom stall, two sixth graders. Talk to your kids about being responsible and about SEX and abstaining.
Now magazines, movies, and even T.V. shows are more open about sex, so it's time that parents wake up and realize that you need to have that conversation when your kids are in 5th grade. Discuss the alternatives and how one can say "No," without feeling bad. Practice how your child would decline a sexual approach. They need to learn to set boundaries early. They need to be aware of the consequences and how being a parent at such a young age will change their life. It's weird, but with all of Kyle's shenanigans, I don't even remember if I talked to our daughter, Nicole, about being responsible when having sex. You need to speak to all your children about being responsible when they're old enough and never think, Oh, my child wouldn't do that...
I never learned whose idea it was to freak me out. Kyle and his best friend, Henry, were notorious for pulling pranks on people.
Finally, I arrived at Henry’s house and parked right in front of his father’s little white bungalow off of Topanga Canyon and walked up the path carefully so as not to trip on the uneven pavement. A few low scraggly bushes were growing against the front of the house, and about a million dandelions speckled the sad lawn. I knocked and waited a few minutes, watching the numerous cars buzz by, then pounded on the door louder.
A blond teen with perfect long straight blond hair opened the door a sliver. “Good morning,” I said. She mirrored my greeting but still did not open the door. I thought that was strange.
“Nice morning, huh?” she dragged the question out. Slowly, she opened the door, and I stepped in, wondering why she was given the job to waylay me at the door. Another girl sat on the couch watching some unrecognizable movie. Oh, my God, was my ninth grader already sexually active? No way, I thought. Kyle’s so immature for his age. What’s that got to do with it, I realized. My heartbeat started revving up.
The place looked like a typical bachelor’s pad. The wadded-up socks and displaced tennis shoes must have been used for a soccer game because the numerous pairs were on opposite sides of the room. Dried tomato sauce and something that could have been the remains of a salad was stuck on the plates. My eyes zeroed in on the Coors cans still on the coffee table and floor. However, no Henry or Kyle is in the picture. Were they drinking last night?
Suddenly I hear, “Uh, Uh” and “Yeah, Yeah,” as if an explosion of orgasm was about to occur in Henry’s bedroom. The blood in my whole body turned to cement. Immediately, I snapped out of my frozen state and took a couple of long strides down the short hallway, yanking Henry’s bedroom door open without knocking.
Henry was shirtless, sitting propped up against the wall next to a bronze girl with eyes that had no pupils. The other girl had strawberry blond hair and green eyes. Henry’s arms were around both of their shoulders. All three had this look of surprise. The sheets and blankets were pulled up around the girls’ necks, covering their nudity.
Suddenly, Kyle popped up from under the sheets, and a paper-thin girl boinged up right beside him, laughing with her Colgate smile. “Hiya, mom! Gottcha.” Henry chirped (he always called me mom) while scratching his messed-up curly locks.
Kyle straightened his skinny body up to lean against the pillows that were behind him. My eyes bounced back and forth between the five young people sitting on the King-sized bed, laughing or giggling hysterically at me. I was freaking… Did they have a fivesome at their age?
Almost on cue, the girls dropped the sheet to show that they were fully clothed. Henry and Kyle were grinning like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. I replayed the scene in my head when I first walked in. Now I realized that Henry and the two girls had imitated the acting style common in silent movies, over-exaggerated.
That should have given me a hint. But I was stuck in what I was afraid had happened, S-E-X, a word Nicole, our daughter, had spelled out when we had taken the whole family to see the movie, Titanic. She was about five, and she leaned over and whispered in my ear as the two main characters entered the car, “Mom, you know they have, s-e-x in this movie.” She spelled the word out. I placed my hand over her eyes, wondering how does she know that.
Mom, it’s a joke.” Kyle smiled and pulled his hands from around the girl’s shoulders, and stood up with his jeans on. ”Hello, earth to mom. It’s a joke.”
Henry was cackling. “Tina, you should have seen your face!” He was so proud of their scheme. The rest of the clothed actors rose and exited the cracker box bedroom. I had been set up.
I didn’t smile. I didn’t say one solitary word. What was I so afraid of, Kyle experiencing sex way earlier than I did? Or was I afraid he was too immature to experience sex?
Once we got into the car, I again discussed my concern about no adult supervision. “Mom, nothing’s going to happen.”
“Kyle, I trust you, but I’m not so sure I trust the girls. You’re a good-looking teen; my female students drool over you. But my students also tell me shocking stories about what happens when their parents aren’t home. Drugs, sex, drinking. Listen, I’m not stupid. I know you’ll experience sex, but I’m asking you to wait a little while so you’re more mature. If you can’t, please promise me you’ll use condoms. You don’t want to be a teen with a baby, honest. I’ll even buy you a box. No questions. I promise.”
“You’re going to buy me a box of babies?” he laughed.
“You know what I meant.” I hit him playfully on the head, always the funny guy.
He gave me his infamous sideways smirk and said, “Mom, don’t worry, I have to get a girlfriend first, and that hasn’t happened yet.”
I laughed, “Ok, just want to let you know where I stand on that subject. Now, as for the beer, yeah, don’t think I didn’t notice the empty beer cans all around.”
“We didn’t drink those. Jerry’s friends were here last night.” (That's Henry's dad.)
Kyle seemed sincere, but I was still unsure. “Uh-huh,” I said.
“Honest, mom.” I continued to discuss how having a child at his age would change his life drastically. (A conversation we had already had when he was in 8th grade.) Of course, I told him that Alan and I would help out if it happened. I shared how one of my junior high students became a daddy in 7th grade even though he used a sandwich bag as a condom, but it broke. Kyle cracked up, not believing me, but yup, it was true. The kid swore and admitted his mistake in front of the whole class and told them he was too young to be a dad and that he wished he had waited. Even one of the counselors told me she had walked into the girl's bathroom to make sure kids weren't hiding in between classes and what did she find? Yup, right in the bathroom stall, two sixth graders. Talk to your kids about being responsible and about SEX and abstaining.
Now magazines, movies, and even T.V. shows are more open about sex, so it's time that parents wake up and realize that you need to have that conversation when your kids are in 5th grade. Discuss the alternatives and how one can say "No," without feeling bad. Practice how your child would decline a sexual approach. They need to learn to set boundaries early. They need to be aware of the consequences and how being a parent at such a young age will change their life. It's weird, but with all of Kyle's shenanigans, I don't even remember if I talked to our daughter, Nicole, about being responsible when having sex. You need to speak to all your children about being responsible when they're old enough and never think, Oh, my child wouldn't do that...
I never learned whose idea it was to freak me out. Kyle and his best friend, Henry, were notorious for pulling pranks on people.
21 - Take control - A Technique Useful for You and your Children to Not Only Forgive Yourself But Others
We are human beings. Therefore, we make mistakes, and sometimes we find it difficult not to judge ourselves, family members, or others when a mistake is made. To stay in the present and be happy, we must release our judgments.
Some high-energy times to release negative thoughts are Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Easter, and your birthday, the Full Moon, or any other time there are particular moon phases is also a perfect time to let go. However, anytime is okay because the idea is to let go of these negative thoughts.
First of all, don’t compare yourselves to others. We are who we are. You are the only you, unique and special. Are you imperfect? Heck, yes. Would you personally grow if you weren’t? No. Think about the various struggles that you’ve had in your life. I grew up thinking I was stupid, fat, and unattractive. I struggled with math every school year and continuously called myself dumb when I didn’t understand a concept or because it took me twice as long to memorize things compared to my two brothers. As a kid, I forgot that I had huge holes in my learning because we moved to a different state every two years or less. It took me years to accept and love myself for who I was.
It took me until I was 25 to finally forgive my father and his unneeded insistence on perfection and his hard hand regarding discipline. Yelling belts, spanking on the bare butt, and a kick under the table was not unusual, and every once in a while, I watched a brother get forked on a hand. I experienced waves of depression, suicidal thoughts, and a huge drinking problem from 18 to about 24. And then one day, I sat with a glass of wine listening to a song sung by Linda Ronstadt and written by Karla Bonoff, “Lose Again.” The words grabbed my heart and twisted it just the right way. "Save me. Free me from my heart this time. Well, the train's gone. Down the track, and I'm left behind."
Then wack! It was as if someone had slapped me out of my head. Life was passing me by becasue I was bouncing in and out of it due to depression. I knew I had to forgive, so I could feel complete, move forward, and take my life back. I realized that my father did the best he could and more than likely raised us like his mom had raised him. That forgiveness I finally gave my father freed me. I remember crying like a baby.
Did you ever think that we came into this world imperfect (to us only) for a reason? Wonder if we arrived on this planet in our unique bodies to learn various lessons: to love ourselves, to forgive others and ourselves. Or maybe we are to remember that beauty inside is more important than outside beauty. Or perhaps we learn to get in shape; we have to be disciplined. Or we learn that we aren't great in Algebra, but we have a music or writing gift.
I have an exercise that I learned at a workshop. (By the way, this would be a perfect exercise for the whole family.) Don’t be surprised if you shed a few tears; this activity has been known to release much pain. My students found it very useful.
1. Obtain notebook-sized paper.
2. Fold the paper length-wise, in half, and find a writing utensil.
3. On the left side of the paper, write down all the things you don’t like about yourself and include your anger and judgments about others. Write all the positive physical attributes and personality traits about yourself. (No one will see this paper, so let all that anger out.)
4. Fold the paper along the line and rip or cut it in half. Place the right side in your wallet or another safe place so that when you tumble down that dark rabbit hole, you can pull that strip of paper out and remind yourself what a fabulous person you are.
5. Find a metal empty trash can or barbecue and some matches. (BE SAFE. – Only adults should be doing this, and children should be under their supervision – Don’t do this inside. Ensure you have a gallon of water close by.) If burning your paper is unavailable to you, rip that piece of paper into tiny bits while saying the lines below or something in your own words.)
6. Then you will say out loud or, if you are not alone, say it in your head: “Dear Father, Mother, I
release all these negative feelings about myself and others to you. (Then read off your list. And you can add more if something pops into your head.) It’s time for me to let go of them. I have held onto them for too long.” Then light the piece of paper and place it in the trash can or barbecue. You can say, ‘thank you,’ ‘or it is done,’ ‘or Amen.’ You can create your own words. Listen to your heart and trust yourself. Remember, say everything in the present tense.
Quite a few students had to wipe away their tears, but they thanked me, and many went home and shared the exercise with their families. Some actually did it. At one of the Parent nights, I had a few say, "Thank you!"
"For what?" I asked one mother, totally puzzled.
"For that exercise, you taught my child."
"You're welcome. It was such a strong technique for me personally, so I thought it might help the kids."
The parent explained how it helped her family forgive their father, her husband, because he had done something stupid and was now spending some time in jail. I was so moved I almost started crying. In the back of my mind, I made a note, Do this again next year.
20 - Family Time Is Important to Schedule into your Life and if Possible, One To One Time
I was concerned that Alan and I weren't giving Nicole, our daughter, enough T.L.C. (Tender Loving Care) because, too often, our jobs were time-consuming, or her older brother, Kyle, demanded my help. He was A.D.D., had a few learning disabilities, and experienced bouts of depression. Too often, I had been the tutor helping him with his homework or helping him review for tests when he was young, and then when essays came along, I was by his side. Also, Alan and I were too often hyper-focused on our work, so sadly, too many times, we weren't aware of our daughter's needs. I'm sure Nicole tried to express her needs, but my brain was full, and I couldn't listen.
By 6th grade, she seemed disconnected from us and spacey sometimes. Of course, not sleeping well didn't help, and she started complaining about pains in her body, which we learned a few years later was Fibromyalgia.
One day, I got the idea that Alan and I could give Nicole special attention. We could reel her back into the family by spending quality time with her. So we took her out to dinner and out to a professional theater. We only did this a couple times, and she seemed to have fun. We certainly did. Theatre night made her feel special and reconnect. At first, Kyle was jealous, but we reminded him that since he went to many places with his buddies and was invited to stay overnight, often at his friend's homes, he shouldn't feel left out. Unfortunately, Nicole hardly went anywhere with her friends or accepted invitations to stay overnight, and she rarely invited anyone over once she was in high school. I asked her one day why and she just shrugged. That should have been a sign to get her into counseling, but I needed to be tuned in to her needs or our lack of parenting skills.
We even took the kids out separately to a movie and dinner. A few times, But sadly, we only did this a couple times, and then life got in the way. I tried to set a night aside for family game night: cards, Monopoly, and Sand scrabble; we had a lot of fun, and many belly laughs. Unfortunately, since I was the one who made it happen, I was the individual who would need to remember to set it up.
If there are too many kids for you to do things separately with them, pick a movie to watch at a cinema or at home. Or go bowling. Or go hiking. Or attend an art exhibit. Playing family games is also an excellent way to be together and reconnect. We used to do that almost once a month until the kids were too busy with school, work, or friends. Dragging the kids into the kitchen and working together preparing a meal together is also a fabulous way to talk about the day. (I like that in France it's traditional that everyone helps cook. I'm sure other intelligent cultures do the same thing.) Of course, they took turns setting the table and clearing it, but that didn't happen enough.
If I had to do it again, I would sit down with the whole family a few months ahead of time with the family calendar and agree upon the dates for family time, thereby making family time a priority, or it might not happen. And don't let a complainer stop the fun. Kyle would complain that he was bored, like the rest of us. Like most kids, he preferred to be at his friends' homes.
| Almost everyone enjoys biking. |
We visited family twice a year and made tons of family trips to Hawaii, Europe, and national parks. Those were the happiest times. Alan and I's brains were sucked dry from work, and the kids were stressed out from school, so all of us were more relaxed during those vacations. We teased each other, joked around, and laughed a lot.
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