26 - As Parents and Teachers We Need to Teach Our Kids To Tell Someone

  

It takes a village to raise a child

     Can you PLEASE tell me why teens think it’s important to not tell on their friends?  I taught for about 35 years. And every single year I usually had a couple of students who wrote me a letter or asked to speak to me in private to share that either themselves or a friend was on something, had been raped, was being harassed by someone, bulimic, anorexic,  sexually abused, had been drinking alcohol, or was a cutter. (Did I leave anything out?)

     But about the last eight years of my teaching career, from 2007 to retirement in 2015, no one said anything, no hints, no notes, no letters,  no death poems. Nothing.  After our son passed away, I was furious with many of his friends who knew he was using something other than marijuana and heard voices in his head, yet not one single person called us. And yes, we knew some of his friends. 

     Finally, I had it. After Kyle passed away, I needed to understand this new generation of  'I can’t get involved kids.'  Have kids changed so much because of cell phones, Facebook, and computers that they can’t see outside their own little world?  I talked to my classes about what used to happen and what didn’t happen anymore.  I reiterated that kids used to come to me about their friend who vomited after every meal, or had been raped by a neighbor, or was drinking at school. What's changed?

     One young man  responded, “It's not our business.” 

     I had to bite my lip as I was on the verge of yelling, What do you mean it's not your business?

     I called on another student, and she admitted that she didn't want to make her friend mad at her. After I picked myself up from the floor, only kidding, I asked them, “Aren’t all of us on this huge planet a family, no matter what nationality, religion, color, or beliefs?”  If someone is doing something unhealthy or wrong, then it is your responsibility to tell an adult because you should care about each other's well-being. 

     Through blurry vision, I swallowed hard and asked?  “What could have happened if one person had called us and shared that Kyle was hearing voices or was on hard drugs?”

     A couple of kids said, “You could have gotten him more help.” 

      I nodded, choking back the tears. " Yes, it was a possibility.  Maybe, just maybe, we could have gotten him into a full lockdown program if we had even known he was using again. He was 22 and could have refused, but maybe he wouldn't have."

     The class was quiet. I was trying to hold onto my professional role as a teacher, so I wouldn't have a total breakdown in front of my students. 

     I ended the mini-lesson with a journal entry, an African Proverb that Alan and I had chosen to share at our son's memorial:  What does 'It takes a village to raise a child'  mean to you personally, and have you had any situation(s) in your life where you should have told an adult something that had happened to a friend or yourself which was not okay? 

   The next day, a student asked to go to the bathroom, and he reentered the classroom almost breathlessly. “Ms. B., there are two kids in the bathroom passing a whiskey bottle back and forth,”  I thanked him and immediately called the dean’s office.  The kids were caught,  parents called, and students were disciplined and placed in a school program for drugs and alcohol. 

   I was thankful I had that conversation with my students because even more students came forward with problems. I wish I could have spoken to the whole school about this issue.  Kids need to know when there is a severe issue, it’s not tattle-telling; it is their business because they care.