19 - Why don't more School Districts Offer Trade Schools or Magnet Schools to Learn Trades?

      Over ten years ago, the philosophy in the Los Angeles Unified School District changed. Constantly, the school and teachers were encouraged to talk about college, and the low-level math and English classes were dropped and only middle and upper levels offered.  (This did not include the classes for second language learners.)  I was not strong in mathematics and thank God I took a  math class in 9th grade which strengthened my skills, many of which I didn't learn because our military family moved around a lot.  And thank God I only had to take  Pre-Algebra only or I would still be in high school. I was furious with our school district. Each student has their strengths, weaknesses, and interests, so why is it necessary to force students to take so many advanced courses?  

     The core classes at my high school became more rigorous to ready our students for college. That's when the fun went out of teaching English for me.  I couldn't be creative with my lessons because we were expected to use two workbooks to teach from.  And to be honest, it wasn't like we weren't teaching these concepts already, but now it was just too much of the same thing. 

     By 11th and 12th grade, we should be offering students opportunities to learn a trade. Besides teaching them the basics.   Don't we need plumbers, draftsmen, cooks, electricians, contractors, computer programmers, welders, medical and dental assistants, etc.?   I just don’t get it.  We have made some minor changes in our educational systems, but not enough.  Oceanside, CA, actually has a high school trade school, and yet many districts across the U.S. still haven't created one. I wonder if we're trying to keep up with China and other Asian countries? Is it healthy to place so much pressure on our students?

    May 14, 2014, South China Morning Post.  Official statistics on youth suicides are hard to obtain, but a health ministry journal wrote that about 500 primary and middle school students kill themselves every year. 

    The 2014 Annual Report on China’s Education, was released after a spate of suicides caused concern over the country’s high-pressure education system, where progress is based on key tests, including entrance exams for high school and university. Many young people killed themselves because “they could not bear the heavy pressure of the test-oriented education system,” said the findings, quoted in the state-run China Daily newspaper. The annual report was compiled by the government and education associations across China.

     Children who were diagnosed with either anxiety or depression from ages 6-17 have increased from 5.4% in 2003 to 8% in 2007 and to 8.4% in 2011-2012. (National Survey of Children's Health)

      Is this really the world that we want?  Many of our kids feel extremely pressured because of high school requirements, teen trauma, and the state of our world. But now, students have to take all these advanced science and math classes that will have nothing to do with what they want to do as adults. I wish more high schools in the United States would have job training and apprenticeships or build trade schools in every district.  It has improved, but we still have a long way to go. 

      

                                                         A personal story....

      Our son, Kyle, loved learning but always struggled in school and hated the pressure of school. Once he hit high school, every once in a while, Alan and I would ask him what he thought he’d major in or do to pay the bills.  He thought he'd like to be an architect. We suggested that he go into something with computers because he was a natural at fixing them, rebuilding them, etc.
     He responded, “Oh, mom, anyone can fix programs and design web pages or create codes.”  Alan shared that he couldn’t do anything like that, and Kyle laughed and told him, "That’s because you're old. We chuckled; he was probably right.  

     Kyle also toyed around with the idea of becoming a history and P.E. teacher for the upper grades. But he finally decided to go into architecture because he loved buildings and didn’t know what else to major in.

     After Kyle had his breakdown in January, induced by using drugs in the middle of his first year of college, I had him drop the math class he was attempting to make up during the winter break. Alan and I concurred that he needed to take off the Fall semester. But by the Spring semester, Kyle insisted that he was well enough to take classes at Santa Monica College even though the meds were barely working. I suggested that maybe he should only take two courses. He decided to retake the advanced math class and another class.  He could scarcely focus past his arm, and his body still looked like he had picked up a hot wire because he’d jerk around in bizarre contorted movements and scratch or smack a spot on his body anywhere sporadically. He shared with me that he could still read people's thoughts. My heart just melted each time I watched Kyle struggle to stay focused. Even though we had a tutor for him, it was useless.
    I  suggested that he drop out of school.  He, of course, cried, afraid that his father would get mad, but I guaranteed him that he wouldn’t. Alan even told him the priority right now was to get well and not stress out over school. But Kyle still didn’t want to drop the two classes; he said he’d feel like a failure. I told him that I left school for a year-and-a-half to get my act together because I wasn’t focused and wasn’t sure what I wanted to do professionally. He was surprised to hear that. His sister tried to help him, but she had two A.P. classes. (college classes and was in a play, so I hired a tutor. But after a few more weeks,  he dropped out.  He was depressed for a while because he felt like a failure. That sense of failure was taught through the school's philosophy that getting a degree is the only thing a teen should be thinking about. Nothing was ever mentioned about trade school, on-the-job training, etc.

    Once his meds were balanced, it was like night and day. He still spoke about going back into architecture, so I brought home books on jobs related to architecture so that he could see that there were other jobs related to architecture without going for a B.A..He'd get paid $50 or more an hour. However, he still refused to go that route. I shared that there were tons of jobs he could just train with someone or go to a tech school for a year or two, which wouldn't be as stressful because he wouldn't have to take all the garbage classes. But most of his friends were in school full time, so that’s what he expected from himself. Alan even tried to talk to him, but to no avail. He felt the expectation of society.

If you wish to write a personal message or share an experience, my email is tbboivin8@gmail.com    I will respond in a couple of days.

18 - Guidelines for Communicating Better

                                     Don’t Argue in Front, Behind, or Beside your Children. 

      My husband and I are stubborn,  but I used to be the worst.  (Many times, I wondered if I was born under the sign of the donkey.)  We would raise our voices or yell in disagreement about disciplining Kyle, our son. And when he became a teen, we argued about his curfew time, long hair or clothes, Kyle’s car accidents, or his friends whom Alan didn’t want him to be around because he felt they were using hard drugs.  You name it, and we argued about it.  Yes, we listened sometimes and compromised, but rarely. I had promised myself that my house wouldn't be like the one I had grown up in, but it was, and I was at fault. So had learned to press that invisible button, and the cone of silence would fall around her to protect her from her parents, who were often thrown into chaos about how to deal with her older brother, who had some learning problems, including depression.

Guidelines to help you communicate better:

1.)   Listen to what the other person has to say. We often think we are right, so we fight to make the other person know our view, but we must show respect by listening.  Don’t interrupt or think of counter-comments. Stop whatever you are doing, turn to the person talking to you, and just listen.

2.)   Stay calm and respectful. Don’t yell.  Watch your tone. (Angry voices and yelling or loud, intense voices terrify children and even adults who have trauma.)

3.)  Talk about how you feel instead of blaming. Use "I" when you get into a disagreement instead of "you."   Example:  “I feel disrespected when you start yelling at me.”  That “I” word softens the tone; it won’t sound like you’re pointing the finger of blame. 

4.) Take a deep breath. Almost everyone gets a little heated when he or she gets upset. The trouble is that anger can make you not think clearly and say things you may later regret. If you feel your emotions taking over, tell the other person you need to take a moment to calm down. Walk to a quiet place. Then zero in on breathing slowly for a few minutes while you focus on your breath or count 1-20 even or odd numbers until you feel tranquil and can return to the conversation.

5.) Stay on topic. That is, don't throw remarks in from previous fights.  Don't remind him/her of something he/she did or said in the past. That will make the individual more upset, and it rarely has anything to do with the current topic. 

6.)  Give each other time to think about the other’s point of view.  A decision usually does not need to be made immediately. Also, if either of you is extremely upset and reacting, it's not a good time to decide. You need time to cool down so you can see the whole picture. Call a time-out.

7.)  Agree to disagree or compromise.

8.)  It's okay to admit when you made a mistake.  Apologize.  Kiss, but especially do the Heart Hug, Blog 25: https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2018/02/25-simple-technique-to-use-toreconnect.html   

    Professionals recommend, "Don't go to bed mad at each other." That's difficult sometimes. Remember, each of you is an individual, but you still must respect that the other person has his /her views. This isn't about control. It's about making the best decision. You can't go to bed mad because the person disagrees with you. You still have to honor their views, but you don't have to agree with them. 

If you wish to write a personal message or share an experience, my email is tbboivin8@gmail.com. I will respond in a couple of days.

17 Quick Fixes when you become Moody or Depressed

Retrain that brain

- “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.”  

   King James Bible,  Proverbs 17, verse 22 

- “Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” 

  ~Buddha 

   Sadness is an emotional pain associated with loss, despair, hopelessness, and sorrow. An individual experiencing depression may become quiet or lethargic, cry, withdraw from others, stop eating, and have difficulty sleeping. Or delve into alcohol or drugs. Or inflict physical pain on themselves.  Numbness, shock, feeling unsettled, making grumpy remarks to others, and an inability to focus are symptoms of depression.

   The limbic system is a complex system of nerves in the brain. It controls the basic emotions (fear, pleasure, anger) and drives hunger, sex, dominance, and the care of offspring. It also has much to do with the formation of memories. Your limbic system becomes familiar with your depression, like a nice comfy pair of slippers. Continued depression isn't healthy because you keep slipping back into that unwanted darkness that controls your life for a few minutes to a few days.  To take control, you need to build a new picture in your brain and update it. Of course, grieving and sadness are a part of life, so we still have to go through the process, but it shouldn't take over your life.  

 Here are some simple fixes if you are not too depressed but get your booty into trauma therapy if it continues for more than a week.  (Here are some techniques that I use.) On my blog, it lists the types of counseling that have helped me, but there are tons more out there. Seek, and ye shall find.)

QUICK FIXES I USE:

1.)  Walk my dogs

2.)  Write in my journal

3.)  Sit down at the piano and play, sing, and listen to music 

4.)  When I cannot focus for a few days, I take a long hike. That really regrounds me.

5.)  Meditate for 15 to 30 minutes  (  Blog # 7 https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/5521247939977254378/2780554452811162931  )

6.)  Dance, get a coloring book you like, and have fun or sketch
7.)  Hug a tree or lay on the grass, but first, make sure there aren't any ants. Those bites hurt! 

(Blog #12  https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/5521247939977254378/134130178745949783  ) 
      

UPDATING THE BRAIN: In other words, making your brain realize the situation has changed, so you aren't reacting to the trauma anymore.

1.)  When I get depressed about the numerous mistakes I made as a parent, which might have made my daughter not want to talk to us, I remind myself how I've changed, or I remind myself, or I remember some of the things I did right as a parent.

2.)  I slow myself down and zero in on the actual memory that had kicked me in the gut.  Sometimes the memory is not about the mistakes I made as a parent but the crap that happened in my home when I grew up that has somehow been triggered by something in the present.

     a)  I allow myself to feel that fear, anger, or sorrow. (Crying is good, you’re releasing the emotion out of your system).          

    b)  My therapist also taught me to bring in someone who is my protector. Sometimes it’s Alan,        my mom who has passed away, or an angel. Yes, and even a crystal will work, a doll, or a four-leaf clover. Whatever makes you feel happy and safe will do the job.  See it.  Notice how you feel while holding the item or seeing the angel or person in your mind's eye. 

    c)  Give yourself time to acknowledge the change: breathing has slowed down, you feel calm, etc. 

WOW!  A useful site that explains other ways to return to that ‘Happy Place’ Click HERE.

If you wish to write a personal message to me, my email is tbboivin8@gmail.com. I will respond in a couple of days.

       

16 A few types of trauma disorders and my experience with a few of them and when to see a doctor

 
 Am I really crazy?


Dissociative disorder  - (DD) are conditions that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity, emotion, behavior, sense of self, or perception. People with dissociative disorders use dissociation as a defense mechanism, pathologically and involuntarily. Some examples of this disorder are: feeling if you are floating outside your body, loss of memory. 

Dissociative identity disorder – (Used to be called multiple personality disorder) is a condition where a person's identity is fragmented into two or more different personalities. People with this rare condition are often victims of severe abuse.

Dissociative amnesia. - Involves disruptions or interruptions of memory, consciousness, awareness, identity, and/or perception. When one or more of these functions is disrupted, symptoms can result.  (My brothers, sisters, and I never knew what mood my father was going to be in. Some days he would joke and tease us like crazy.  But other days, he yelled at us for insane reasons or spanked or used the belt on us for stupid infractions.  I couldn’t trust what mood my father would be in, so I always felt I was on my guard the minute he walked into the room.  Sometimes I remember hearing him yell at our mother or my brother, and I would go somewhere else. I had a huge problem remembering things or even placing items in the order. Also, because my dad was in the Air Force, we moved every 1 to 2 years. I was always frightened about going to new schools because I had huge holes in my learning. Each district had different objectives for each level—the fear of not knowing the material led to huge memory problems. To retain anything, it took me hours of work. Now that I’ve gone through therapy for so long, I’ve noticed my memory has majorly improved. Yes, even in my 60’s.)

Depersonalization/derealization disorder -  

1.)  Feelings that you're an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts

       of your body — for example, as if you were floating in the air above yourself

2.) Feeling like a robot or that you're not in control of your speech or movements  (Too

      often harsh words catapulted out of my mouth at students or Nicole, my daughter,

      when she was in 9^th grade. Still, to this day, I remember seeing that look of disappointment or anger on her face. Yes, when I could slow myself down, I noticed that look and was surprised and wondered what alien had hijacked my brain and my mouth.  I didn’t use to be that person. But stress and menopause had changed me 

      Drastically.  Sometimes I could slow myself down to apologize, but usually,y I forgot.)

3.) Having the sense that your body, legs, or arms appear distorted, enlarged, or shrunken, or that  

      your head is wrapped in cotton.

4.)  Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you

5.)  A sense that your memories lack emotion and that they may or may not be your own

      memories

Symptoms of derealization include:

 1.)   Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings — for example,

         you feel like you're living in a movie or a dream    ( Here's one of the chapters from a 
         A memoir  I’m writing.  I had promised to cook Nicole one of her favorite foods, tempura.  She insisted on helping me cook even though she was still getting over a sinus infection. I showed

         her how carefully she had to place the vegetables into the hot oil.) Minutes passed by and 
         then I heard……

     “F…, f…, f….,” Nicole repeated in a medium-low controlled monotone voice.

      I looked up and saw her holding her left forearm and noticed an egg shape white spot on her left wrist and a few others around it. She had burned herself. What should I do? I thought. Then suddenly, I was imprisoned behind a thick glass block wall; everything looked glossy. I had entered into some type of cryogenic state, frozen in my spot. It felt so bizarre. I couldn’t move.  I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I stared as Cody, Kyle’s friend, ran over to the refrigerator and opened the door.

   Bits and pieces came through. “Where’s the….” Cody hurriedly demanded.

   Kyle pointed and ran to the sink. “It’s……….thaw….” Kyle explained. I don’t remember if Kyle helped or what else was said or done. It was as if I was watching a broken film reel that stopped and started sporadically, yet some of the frames sped through so quickly I was unable to recognize or hear anything.

     I have no idea how long I was incapacitated.  A few seconds, two minutes… But finally, the invisible wall vanished, and the panoramic view emerged clearly, now playing at normal speed. Immediately, I thought of the milk carton I had left in the sink to thaw, I walked around the island to grab it, but it was missing. I turned to search for it; Cody was pouring milk down Nicole’s tummy where the grease had also splashed. She was holding her left forearm up like a wounded wing, and a few drops of milk dripped from it onto the floor. A light terracotta color was beginning to appear on her wrist. 

   I turned around and snatched the hand towel from the oven door, walked around the roadblock, the center island, to pick up the carton that Cody had returned to the sink, and poured milk on the cloth. While wrapping her arm were the worst of the burn seemed to be, I thought, how did Cody beat me? He was clear across the room. I was confused about what had happened to me. Kyle walked over and gave his little sister a big hug, and said he was sorry.

   Splashes of lily-white stain painted her stomach. My eyes perused Nicole’s face. Her bottom lip looked half painted on because she was biting the corner of it. After a few minutes,s I took the towel off her wrist, her skin had already started bubbling in the shape of an oval. She cocked her head and gave me this bewildered look.  I’ll remember that look vividly till the day I die. I wondered, did she realize that I froze and wasn’t reacting? I felt no fear…no empathy…. not like a normal mother. 

    Confused, I asked, “Can I hug you?” Only then did I become cognizant that I felt like I wasn’t part of this scene: I still felt mentally detached, and only my body was there. Nicole gave one minuscule nod. I didn’t feel emotionally connected to my daughter at all, and I didn’t understand why.

   Why wasn’t she crying? Why wasn’t there any pain on her face? Her stomach and arm must hurt like hell? Those were only some of the questions I asked myself days later.

 2.)   Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about as if you were separated by a glass wall  (I remember sometimes I would look at my daughter when she was in 4^th grade and wonder why she didn’t feel like my daughter. I didn’t feel attached to her like I did Kyle. Often, I would go to bed crying, wondering why. I

         felt horrible and guilty. I wonder if it was because Kyle was having such difficulty in 6^th 

         a grade that I was constantly worried about him me off from my daughter because it couldn't 
         handle any more stress.)

3.)   Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a

        heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings

4.)   Distortions in the perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past

  

5.)   Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects

Episodes of depersonalization-derealization could last hours, days, weeks, or even months at a time. These episodes turn into ongoing feelings of depersonalization or derealization that could periodically get better or worse.

When to see a doctor:

Passing feelings of depersonalization or derealization are common and aren't necessarily a cause for concern. But ongoing or severe feelings of detachment and distortion of your surroundings can be a sign of depersonalization-derealization disorder or another physical or mental health disorder.

See a doctor if you have feelings of depersonalization or derealization that:

1.)  Are they disturbing you, or are they emotionally disruptive

2.)  Don't go away or keep coming back

3.)  Interfere with work, relationships or daily activities

If you wish to write a personal message to me, or share and experience, my email is:    tbboivin8@gmail.com    I will respond in a couple of days.

15 - As a Parent, know what Types of Drugs are out There. Signs of Use and Paraphernalia

  

Opioids are a class of drugs made from opium. They include illegal drugs such as heroin, as well as prescribed painkillers, OxyContin, and Vicodin. Also, Fentanyl is a synthetic opioid 50–100 times more potent than Morphine.

Description -Heroin may be a powdery or crumbly substance, ranging all the way from off-white to dark brown; it also can take the form of a sticky black substance (“black tar” heroin). The drug can be snorted, injected into a vein, or smoked (often heated on aluminum foil and inhaled through a straw). Users may dissolve it by burning it in a spoon before injecting it. Opioids work by reducing the perception of pain and stimulating the brain’s “reward center,” producing a feeling of euphoria.

Signs of use - drowsiness, head drops a lot, mental confusion, nausea, constipation, confusion, depression, lack of interest in school or work activities, decreased attention to personal hygiene.

Paraphernalia – (My personal experience) I had found an empty Bic pen on the floor and asked Kyle, our son, what it was. His response, “Oh, I was bored while I was studying, so I took it apart and was just playing around with it." I believed him. I never knew you could snort heroin. I thought it could only be injected with a needle.  Yes, I remember looking at the pen holder, but there was nothing inside it.   Months later, I found rubber bands on the floor.  That’s when my mother’s heart thought, is he shooting heroin? But because of my son's trauma having a breakdown a few months later, and my husband and I still dealing with our daughter’s exodus, and Kyle falling down a cliff, I forgot to talk to Kyle about it.

   When we returned home from our trip to Canada after Kyle had overdosed, I walked up to his room and found aluminum foil with a black sticky tar stuck to it and rubber bands on the floor. (I never saw syringes or small glass or metal pipes, dirty spoons, or vials.  If a lighter is found and the person doesn’t smoke, this could also be a hint there’s a problem. A person injecting also needs some device to cause the veins to enlarge, so there may be belts or rubber tubing found in the area where they are using the heroin.

Health problems: heart rate and breathing may slow down. Could stop breathing altogether, which can, of course, lead to death. (This is how our son passed away.)  Symptoms of overdose may include pinpoint pupils, unconsciousness, and/or respiratory depression.

There's' enough drug paraphernalia to make your head spin around a few times.

Synthetics Drugs:   

Bath salts  -  man-made—powerful, addictive stimulants that alter perception and give euphoric qualities.  Description - white or brown clumpy crystalline powder.  The drug is snorted, swallowed, smoked, or injected to create energized hallucinatory feelings. Signs of use - agitation, panic attacks, paranoia, psychotic and violent behavior. Health problems -  heart problems, extreme thirst, headaches, hyperthermia (a temperature of 104 F (40 C) or higher is life-threatening. Confusion, nausea or vomiting, and rapid breathing are some symptoms. Kidney failure or death could occur.

Flakka (gravel) - man-made and more powerful than bath salts. Description- white or pink foul-smelling crystal, is eaten, snorted, injected, or vaporized in an e-cigarette. Signs of use:  hyperstimulation, hallucinations, paranoia, the delusion of superhuman strength, episodes of mania, bizarre behavior (trying to make love to a fire hydrant). Anger sometimes is easily triggered, so violence occurs or self-harm. Health problems:  muscle cramps or spasms, heart issues, heart attacks, and death. Paraphernalia – same as heroin.

MDMA (ecstasy, Molly) is a psychoactive drug with amphetamine-like and hallucinogenic properties. “Although MDMA is usually not classified with “synthetics,” an analysis by the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency found that 87 percent of drugs sold as MDMA were actually bath salts or contaminated with bath salts.”  Health problems:  similar to synthetic drugs, bath salts, and Flakka.   

R241-NBOMe (N-bomb, Smiles or 25I) -  synthetic drug, a phenethylamine.  Description - comes in microdoses, drops of the drug dried on absorbent paper, a powder (loose or in capsules), and a liquid. Signs of use: delirium, hallucinations, agitation, and violence  Health problems: seizures, rapid or irregular heartbeat, extremely high blood pressure, hyperthermia, heart attack, and death.

Synthetic Marijuana (Spice, K2, Spike)  - Description: is a mixture of dried plant materials(sometimes dried oregano and basil) that have been sprayed with addictive synthetic chemical additives. The spice contains no marijuana or tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the active ingredient in marijuana, and spice is not a “natural” product. (Looks similar to marijuana – beige, cream red, or brown.) Signs of use: Hallucinations, vomiting, confusion, anxiety,  paranoia, rapid heart rate, reduced blood flow to the heart, so the body doesn’t receive enough oxygen, heart attack, psychotic and violent behavior, anxiety, tremors, seizures, high blood pressure, loss of consciousness or death. Paraphernalia:  small pipes, cigarette papers, matches, or lighters. Health issues:  psychotic symptoms such as paranoia and hallucinations, kidney failure and heart attacks, and various other heart conditions.

Some excellent sites to find more information: (But there are tons of info, do your research.)

Phoenix House

Shatterproof.org

Spiceaddiction.org

If you wish to write a personal message to me or share and experience, my email is tbboivin8@gmail.com. I will respond in a couple of days.