Don’t Argue in Front, Behind, or Beside your Children.
My husband and I are stubborn, but I used to be the worst. (Many times, I wondered if I was born under the sign of the donkey.) We would raise our voices or yell in disagreement about disciplining Kyle, our son. And when he became a teen, we argued about his curfew time, long hair or clothes, Kyle’s car accidents, or his friends whom Alan didn’t want him to be around because he felt they were using hard drugs. You name it, and we argued about it. Yes, we listened sometimes and compromised, but rarely. I had promised myself that my house wouldn't be like the one I had grown up in, but it was, and I was at fault. So had learned to press that invisible button, and the cone of silence would fall around her to protect her from her parents, who were often thrown into chaos about how to deal with her older brother, who had some learning problems, including depression.
Guidelines to help you communicate better:
1.) Listen to what the other person has to say. We often think we are right, so we fight to make the other person know our view, but we must show respect by listening. Don’t interrupt or think of counter-comments. Stop whatever you are doing, turn to the person talking to you, and just listen.
2.) Stay calm and respectful. Don’t yell. Watch your tone. (Angry voices and yelling or loud, intense voices terrify children and even adults who have trauma.)
3.) Talk about how you feel instead of blaming. Use "I" when you get into a disagreement instead of "you." Example: “I feel disrespected when you start yelling at me.” That “I” word softens the tone; it won’t sound like you’re pointing the finger of blame.
4.) Take a deep breath. Almost everyone gets a little heated when he or she gets upset. The trouble is that anger can make you not think clearly and say things you may later regret. If you feel your emotions taking over, tell the other person you need to take a moment to calm down. Walk to a quiet place. Then zero in on breathing slowly for a few minutes while you focus on your breath or count 1-20 even or odd numbers until you feel tranquil and can return to the conversation.
5.) Stay on topic. That is, don't throw remarks in from previous fights. Don't remind him/her of something he/she did or said in the past. That will make the individual more upset, and it rarely has anything to do with the current topic.
6.) Give each other time to think about the other’s point of view. A decision usually does not need to be made immediately. Also, if either of you is extremely upset and reacting, it's not a good time to decide. You need time to cool down so you can see the whole picture. Call a time-out.
7.) Agree to disagree or compromise.
8.) It's okay to admit when you made a mistake. Apologize. Kiss, but especially do the Heart Hug, Blog 25: https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2018/02/25-simple-technique-to-use-toreconnect.html
Professionals recommend, "Don't go to bed mad at each other." That's difficult sometimes. Remember, each of you is an individual, but you still must respect that the other person has his /her views. This isn't about control. It's about making the best decision. You can't go to bed mad because the person disagrees with you. You still have to honor their views, but you don't have to agree with them.
If you wish to write a personal message or share an experience, my email is tbboivin8@gmail.com. I will respond in a couple of days.
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