105 - Difficult to let my Son go so he could Cross Over to the Other Side, Heaven

         "Open your eyes slowly," the healer uttered.  This peaceful world cradled me, chanting for me to stay. There were no demands here: no one asking me what was for dinner, how I was doing, or me worrying about what I was going to teach the next day.  No glued-on smile, pretending I was okay. But I knew I had to face another day.  After a few seconds, I willed my eyes open, but the spotlights from a window across the room forced me to close them. Too bright...way too bright.  After a couple of seconds, I willed myself to open them. I blinked a few more times, trying to become accustomed to the light even though the sun was just beginning to set.

       I forgot most of the things the Shaman shared with me, except for lending me her horse and that I should journey with it. And then she said in a very soft, calm voice, "Tina, you need to release Kyle's soul." Something grabbed my intestines and yanked them up tightly.  At a Reiki workshop I took a month earlier, Rosemary, the teacher, had told me I had to release all of Kyle's soul, so he could advance, and if I didn't, I could become extremely ill. I thought I had already let him go. How do you let a child go, someone, you birthed and worried about so much?

      While the Shaman continued to explain the various things that I needed to do to heal, Kyle chattered away in my head, Mom, you know you have to let me go. I don't want you to get sick.

       I know, but you have to know I'll be all right. I can take care of myself, honestly. I'm doing much better. These next few days, we're going to work on letting each other go. I paid Amanda and thanked her.

 

Trusting and letting go was hard to do...

                                                         hands-letting-go | patrickjegan

      But I don't want to… I want to make sure you're not going to grieve anymore, Kyle quietly said. I could hear the confusion in his voice. Maybe like me, he was afraid that he couldn't talk to me once his spirit totally passed to the other side. I started the car and drove down the windy road as I reminded him that I was grieving less and less each month.  After of few seconds of silence, he said,  I'm happy that your relationship with dad has become stronger. There was another pause.  I have to go soon. 

     My heart skipped a couple of beats as I wasn't sure what that meant. Maybe the dolphins were calling Kyle…. (another healing I had done with this Shaman). Or was he going to disappear, and I'd never been able to talk to him again? I expelled the air I had kidnapped.  We'll do our ceremony on Sunday. Okay? It's time for both of us to totally let go.

      Yea, okay," he said.  I love dad too. I now understand why he was tough on me. He was trying to guide me to make the right decisions and consider the consequences. Also, Dad was so worried about me. I can really feel and understand that now. I wish I could have understood it then.  Again his emotions were so strong as if he really did, for the first time, comprehend what his father must have felt raising him. I wondered how he could understand his father's fear now.

      I wish you could also have, but I sadly stated that maybe you weren't supposed to learn that yet.  I'll tell your dad what you said, Okay?

     Thanks. Remember, I'm still here for you, just like all your other relatives who you're now talking to you. 

     Unconsciously, I realized I was holding on to a part of him in fear of losing communication with him.  It took me about a week until I felt strong enough to tell him it was okay for his spirit to go to the other side. I decided the ceremony would occur on June 12th, the day before our daughter's birthday in June.

     I walked into Topanga State Park and said out loud, "I totally release you, Kyle Boivin, to the heavens where you belong." Yes, I cried a little bit, and my voice shook. I was still petrified that we wouldn't communicate once he passed to the other side.  But I knew I had to let him go because I didn't want to be responsible for holding him back in his spiritual development.   

      I love you so much, mom.  For the first time, I could actually feel the emotion in his voice; he was almost in tears. During his drug days, he would often say that line, and it sounded empty and felt as if Kyle was saying it to make me think that he was alright or saying it because he felt guilty he was still using.

       "I know. I love you too,"  I whispered.       

       Mom?

       Yea, I said as I headed home.

       I love dad too. I now know why he was tough on me. He was trying to guide me to make the right decisions and think of the consequences. He was so scared of me. I can really feel and understand that now. I wish I could have understood it then.  Again his emotions were so strong as if he really did, for the first time, comprehend what his father must have felt raising him. I wondered why he could understand his father's fear now.

      I wish you could have understood your dad's fears also, but maybe you weren't supposed to learn that yet,  I sadly stated.  I'll tell him what you said, Okay?

     Thanks. Remember, I'm still here for you, just like all your other relatives who you're now talking to you. You won't forget?

      I won't ever forget, ever.    

     I learned that our son is always with me when I need to talk to him. But I also remembered as the years marched on, we had less and less to talk about because our lives were very different. Yes, he still gives me an occasional lecture, or I feel his energy pop in, or he says one word to warn me about something, but it's not like it used to be the first seven years after losing him, and that's okay.

 

 

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