73 Everyone should have a hobby or two. It builds not only skills but confidence

    I swear I popped out of my mom doing some type of hobby. Or maybe it was just the time period I was born into, the 50's. We didn't own a T.V. until I was in third grade and even then I think there were only three channels.  I enjoyed, drawing, and reading, lots of Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys mysteries. When I was 13, I learned to crochet from my mother which I have returned to doing these past ten years on a regular basis.  I also enjoy singing and playing the piano, gardening, hiking, and traveling.  And after hurting my back a few times over 15 years ago, I  work out four times a week and love it.  I also used to make all my cards, but I've drifted away from that hobby, but I play Eucher once a month, which is a card game with a group of friends since our kids were in junior high.

   And believe it or not, one hobby which I used to do for fun, but now that I'm retired, I consider my profession, a writer. I've actually been paid once for a magazine article in "Angels on earth" and have had one article placed in the "Topanga Messenger," a local newspaper. Cool, huh? So hobbies sometimes can turn into a profession.

   I've met a few teachers who are scared to retire because they have nothing to do except watch sports on T.V. or watch their grandkids. I told them to pick up a hobby, and they said, "I'm too old for that."

   My comment, "You're never too old." Okay, maybe bunjie jumping....
   Having a hobby teaches many life skills such as patience, perseverance and it reduces stress. But it also makes you more interesting, so it will help your social life.And learning a new one develops ne neurons in the brain.

   For a couple of years, I taught crafts in the high school.  Since there weren’t many art classes at the time, the kids devoured the different lessons.  I actually taught crochet, and the kids made their own scarfs. The boys at first didn’t like it one single bit. They said, "This is for girls."  But I informed them that actor Russell Crowe knits, Randy Grossman tight end for Pittsburgh Steelers and Rosey Grier, and musician Ringo Star, actors David Arquette, Ryan Reynolds and Scott Baio all knit, crochet and do needlepoint.

     “Who’s Rosie Greer?” Jose chuckled at the name.

     “He’s an actor, singer, Protestant minister, and former professional American football player.”

His eyes enlarged.

   “But why would he do that? My grandma knits.” another macho student asked.

   “Because it makes you relax,” I said. “Did you know Rosey Grier even wrote a book on needlepoint for men?”  Their eyebrows raised in surprise and a few of the girls giggled. Well, that piece of information changed their minds. They stopped griping and asked me or some of the girls for help on their scarf. 

   My students were so proud of themselves when they finished their scarfs. Some of them gave their scarf to their girlfriend or boyfriend, and others wore them during the fall and winter.

   Get your kids or even yourself involved in a hobby. There are many health benefits to having one, and sometimes it gets you out of the house, you meet people. I saw my students gain confidence in a skill they never thought they were capable of doing.  Many hobbies require creativity, and this can sometimes transfer over to a job. It also builds confidence once you get the hang of it. Remember, learning new things keeps our brain flexible and young. If you or your child pick a challenging hobby, it will ready him or you for learning new things on a job.

   When you’re doing something you enjoy, you let go of the worry and relax. This helps to rejuvenate the mind.  Hobbies that involve physical activity creates chemical changes in the body which helps reduce stress. But even if your hobby does not require physical activity, you can still benefit.

    Sometimes your hobby might require you or your children to go outside the house and meet new people. Maybe you’re interested in playing Poker, or soccer or being involved with the local theater company. Some of my friends are people I have met through my hobbies, and it's an easy way to make new friends when you travel or move to a new area.    

   Having hobbies teaches you and your children to be confident, flexible and creative.

              knitting

Tips on helping your child or yourself select a hobby and please don’t let him or her only choose computer games:

1. Think about the amount of time you’re willing to spend on the hobby. If it’s a sport and your child is already involved in two of them, then that’s enough. Maybe, he can paint and assemble model airplanes.

2. Don’t pick something so challenging that it’s going to be so frustrating to learn it, or where it takes years to perfect it. You’ll go crazy, or your child will drive you insane with his or her whining.

3.  Don’t pick a hobby that is so stressful that you are pulling your hair out unless you are doing something else which is relaxing.

4.  Pick a hobby that you have a natural ability with already. In other words, don’t choose surfing if you’re paranoid about water.

5.  Don’t forget you also have to think about your level of fitness and your finances.  Some sports are extremely expensive.

Here are some excellent links with tons of ideas for hobbies.

https://hobbylark.com/misc/How-to-Choose-a-Hobby
 

https://wehavekids.com/parenting/100-Hobbies-for-Kids

  

72 All the preservatives and colorants placed in food can impede concentration and hinder learning

    Kids learn by example, so eat healthy. Of course, you can have a couple days where you eat a small bag of potato chips or drink that Energy drink. Yes, when given money to buy lunch, many of my students  picked up a Gatorade or an Energy drink and some garbage food on the way to school if a store is close by. Most adults, let alone kids don’t realize what’s in those drinks or snacks that might be causing that asthma, psoriasis (itchy patches on the skin) or hyperactivity, aggressive behavior or the inability to focus.  Maybe monitoring what you or your child eats could help with ADD, ADHD, Autism or Tourettes.

    I used to react to chocolate. It made me very hyper. As for my son, it made him aggressive. Once when I picked Kyle up from the Montessori, the teacher told me he wasn’t allowed to wear his cowboy boots to school anymore because he kept kicking kids. I asked if there was a birthday party that day and with a look of surprise, she said, “Yes.”  I asked her to read the health form, so she walked into the office and returned with the card in hand.  She was very embarrassed. Under ALLERGIES, I had written clearly, ‘chocolate.’ As for my daughter, she went through a  period where she would get a stomach ache after she drank milk. We took her off it for a little while and then she grew out of it.

    As a parent, we have some control over what our children eat, at least when they're home. However, as a teacher, we have zero.  I would become so frustrated with the number of students who ate and drank so much garbage before class began. No wonder they had difficulty focusing. There is a Circle K across the street from Canoga High School, so they’d walk into my classroom with a Gatorade, or Monster drink and a bag of hot Cheetos.  I finally decided to show them a technique which would show them that what they does affect them. If I had a minute, I’d ask, “Can I muscle test you?” Most of the time the answer was yes.

     I asked the student to lay the poison down then I’d place my hand on one of their shoulders and asked him to hold the other straight out in front. I'd tell him that I’m going to push down on his arm and he's going to resist.  This is done to show the student how strong he is when not holding the item.

    Next, I returned the Monster can, and he holds it down beside his leg and holds out his other arm. I  push down. (Not like I’m trying to win the Olympics, just a steady push.) If the arm easily drops, the individual is extremely sensitive to one of the ingredients in the Monster drink. I remind the students that we are what we eat. If they can’t concentrate after they have drank or eaten something that means they need to stay away from that product. Usually, the student walked to the trash can and threw their drink away, but sometimes I did have a few shrugs, and "I don’t care" as they gulped the Monster down before the bell rang.

   I remind them that if they want, they can go home and write all the ingredients on different pieces of paper and test for each ingredient separately. This way they can find out exactly what they're sensitive to. A student taught me the paper technique; he learned it from his allergist. (I used to bring bags of sugar, salt, flour, etc. to class to test them after they had state testing and their brains were too tired to think.)  You might have to switch arms if you’re testing for a lot of allergens. If you don't have anyone to push that arm down, you can sit and place the item on your lap and hook your pointing fingers and thumbs together and pull (looks like a link of chin). If they break apart easily, you are sensitive to that item. Of course, if anyone has significant issues caused by allergies, they should get professionally tested.
   Most common drinks students walked into my room drinking were Rock Star, Monsters, and soda. Consuming two energy drinks per day is ingesting the same amount of caffeine in 12 cans of regular soft drinks like Coke or Pepsi.   

  The biggest culprit many of my students found that they were allergic to was sugar. Did you know that one teaspoon of sugar equals 4 grams of sugar, so that means 34g divided into 4... Go ahead, make a quick guess. Yup! That means 8.2 teaspoons of sugar is in one 20 oz container of Gatorade.  That’s a lot of sugar.  And Dextrose which is modified sugar often times is also added.  That word modified should warn you.

   Here are some more ingredients in Gatorade:  Sodium (One teaspoon of table salt converted to milligram equals to 5,687.50 mg.) Sucralose is used as an alternative to sugar, also called Splenda.  (My body cannot handle this type of sugar, it makes me hyper.) Sodium Citrate is used as a food additive to enhance flavors. Sucrose syrup is made from liquefied table sugar or sweeteners. Because it’s high in empty calories, it’s low in nutrition.  The Mayo Clinic cautions that when drank often it is likely to cause obesity which contributes to type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and coronary artery diseases.

   Made up of two to three carbohydrates, high fructose corn syrup is the source of glucose, sucrose, and fructose found in sports drinks. Our body doesn’t know how to process this sugar, so it turns to fat.

   Food dye is not healthy for many because our bodies are sensitive to it, so we find it difficult to focus. Artificial colors come in different shades labeled with numbers. These are used as an ingredient in soft drinks. Some researchers have found that there is a link between food dyes and hyperactivity.

    FD&C Blue No. 1 and No. 2                               Orange B

    FD&C Yellow No. 5  and No. 6                           Red No. 2 (may cause cancer)

    FD&C Green No. 3                                              FD&C Red No. 3 and No.40 

   I’m sure there are other dyes, just be cautious with anything you put in your mouth like fruit snacks, fruit-flavored cereals, candy, canned fruit, dessert mixes, toothpaste, sauces, sports drink, vitamins, etc.;

  Be aware of preservatives. The typical one is monosodium glutamate or MSG. However, be careful because there are other products which contain MSG except they hide under different names: hydrolyzed soy protein, autolyzed yeast,  sodium glutamate, Accent, Zest, Ajinomoto, and Vetsin.
   A study combined synthetic food dyes with the preservative sodium benzoate and found increased hyperactivity in children. Sodium Benzoate is a common food preservative used in a plethora of processed foods and drinks. Also, it is used as an antifungal preservative in pharmaceutical products. Sodium benzoate is sometimes added to: jellies and jams, sauerkraut, hot sauces, carbonated drinks, salad dressings, and condiments. Some foods naturally contain it, like cranberries, cinnamon, prunes, and apples. (Studies are presently going on testing the reaction on hyperactive children.) Alternative names: benzoic acid, potassium benzoate, benzoate.

Other chemical preservatives to look for are:

    butylated hydroxyanisole (BHA)           sodium nitrate

    butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT)          tert-Butylhydroquinone (TBHQ)

   Sodium nitrite is usually found in preserved meat products like sausages, cured and canned meats. Concerns about this preservative are that too much may cause pancreatic cancer and other health problems.

   Sodium Sulfite (E221) is a preservative used to make wine and other processed foods. About one in 100 people are sensitive to sulfites in food. Those who are sensitive may experience headaches, breathing problems, and rashes. In some cases, sulfites have caused death.

  Sulfur additives are still used widely in the U.S. The Food and Drug Administration have prohibited their use on raw fruit and vegetables. Reactions include bronchial problems, especially if prone to asthma, low blood pressure, flushing, tingling sensations or anaphylactic shock. This additive also destroys vitamins B1 and E in our bodies. Avoid E220 if you suffer from conjunctivitis, bronchitis, emphysema, asthma, or have a cardiovascular disease. It’s found in beer, soft drinks, dried fruit, juices, cordials, wine, vinegar, and potato products. (I sometimes have difficulty with certain wines and beer.)

   Propyl Paraben often used as a preservative in foods including tortillas, bread products, and food dyes. It also has been showing up in beverages, dairy products, meat, and vegetables.  Many cosmetics, such as creams, lotions, shampoos and bath products have propyl paraben in them.

   Studies indicate that subjects had decreased sperm counts and testosterone levels. It has also been known to accelerate the growth of cancer cells in breasts and cause fertility problems in women.
Alternative names: 4-Hydroxybenzoesäurepropylester; propyl paraben; propyl p-hydroxybenzoate; propyl parahydroxybenzoate; nipasol; E216

   Butylated hydroxyanisole (BHA) and butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT) (E320)  are preservatives found in chewing gum, vegetable oils, cereals and potato chips. This preservative keeps foods from changing color, changing flavor or spoiling. It affects the neurological system of the brain, modifies behavior and has a potential to cause cancer.  Found in Jello, cereal, frozen sausages, gum, lard, enriched rice, shortening, and candy.

   Be wary of trans fat. Trans fats are created when manufacturers add hydrogen to vegetable oil. Watch your consumption of fried doughnuts, cakes, pie crusts, biscuits, frozen pizza, cookies, crackers, and margarine.

   Trans fats are  believed to increase the risk of heart disease, stroke, and type 2 diabetes.  Trans fat somehow raises the bad (LDL) cholesterol levels and lowers the good (HDL) cholesterol levels. Alternative names: partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, partially hydrogenated pal

    I have never heard of someone being allergic to a red apple. (I thought an apple a day kept the doctor away.)   But evidently some people are allergic to salicylate which is not only found in red apples but almonds, grapes, tomatoes, and cranberries. Salicylate is also used in aspirin and other pain medication. Dr. Benjamin Feingold eliminated artificial dyes, flavors and salicylates from the food in hyperactive patients in the 1970s and found that 30 to 50 percent of them improved.

  Every one of us has a unique body, and so if we notice that we or a loved one has become hyperactive, inattentive or starts shaking or feeling sick, you might keep a food journal and write down what you eat and how you feel afterwards. You might find it helpful to stop eating, one at a time, the top eight food allergens:  wheat, milk, peanuts, tree nuts, eggs, soy, fish, and shellfish. Or  Muscle Test yourself.  A doctor or dietitian can help you with this process.          

  My rule is if you can’t pronounce the words or if there are more than 4 syllables in the ingredients, maybe you shouldn’t be eating or drinking the product.  You can experiment by avoiding these additives one at a time to see if it impacts your behavior or your child’s.  I used to write down the four syllable words, but over the years, the manufacturers keep changing the names so we, the consumer won’t recognize the unhealthy ingredient.
     Good luck and stay healthy! But remember, don't beat yourself up or your kids, if someone slips.
Moderation.

HELPFUL SITES:

https://www.livestrong.com/article/1006054-whats-really-inside-those-mcdonalds-chicken-mcnuggets/

https://www.foodmatters.com/article/22-additives-and-preservatives-to-avoid

71 - Keeping your desk clean at home and at work is imperative if you want to stay focused

    Are their days…even weeks you find that you can’t focus or be creative?  Look around. What does your environment look like?  At school, I noticed that if I had three piles of papers or files on my desk or behind me, I had difficulty concentrating.  Finally, I’d become so frustrated that I’d stay after school for a couple of hours and go through all the crap. I’d return the xeroxes and files to the file cabinets or throw the material that I knew I didn’t need in the trash.  (It’s amazing how many files I'd pull when I taught four different subjects a day.)

   The same occurs at home when my cabinets are disorganized I have difficulty finding the stories that I’m working on. Or if my desk has a couple piles on it, (never as high as the ones that used to be at school, I have difficulty organizing my day or writing well, so I stop everything and get organized.

   I can’t tell you what a difference it is to have my environment clean and how much it helps with the clarity of my brain. WOW!  Luckily, I keep the house clean, and since I’m married to an architect, I’ve learned that the visual picture is important, not that I was ever the super messy one, but do't ask my hubbie.

  Think about it. If you are a professional, what does an untidy desk project?  If your desk has dirty tea cups, mountains of clutter and scraps of food scattered around, what does that portray to your clients or to your children?   To a family member you might look unorganized, not focused, but to a client, maybe incompetent. (Look at your office or desk from someone else’s point of view.)  

   When you have piles of papers, invoices or files scattered around you, you feel overwhelmed, scattered and confused, unsure what is, priority. A lot of time is wasted on where to start. Also, there might be time sensitive material lost in the pile or papers.

   Filing things or placing a few papers/files in a container on your desk make you look professional and organized. If you have an office, maybe set up an Inbox and an Outbox. This will help with documents not disappearing. Also, having a drawer organizer will help keep some of those things off your desk such as paper clips, calendar, notebooks, change, etc. And the frustration of having to look for things is minimized tremendously.  Also, the possibility of handling something late is gone.

    Throw away material in the recycling bin if you know you don’t need it. If you’re worried that you might need it later, scan it into your computer.

    Every Friday, if you’re super busy during the week, organize your desk, or if you’re not busy (I’m retired now) do it once a month. Make the time as I promise you it will help you stay calm, and focused. It will also reinforce the fact that you are a professional, and it will promote a creative mind. And if you are a parent, teach your children the importance of keeping their desk clean also. This will be something they will thank you for later in their life.  

   

70 - How to work with Angels or Ascended Masters to help with difficulties you have in your life

   I never heard of Spirit Guides until I started taking a Reiki class which is a natural healing technique that originated in Japan. We were taught that before we began healing someone or if we needed support with an issue, we could ask for guidance and support. 

   Peace of mind is the most important factor to have for a successful connection. To find my angel, I meditated a few minutes, and once in a relaxed state, I asked who my angel was. Instantly, the name Michael came through. I felt that he had been with me for a long time, possibly since birth.  (Read Blog #  7 -  How to Meditate)   Or say a prayer. “ I invite my Guardian Angels to connect with me, to help, guide, and assist me in my life. I require your assistance to ease my mind, and I seek your love and light so that my life may be lit with positive vibrational frequencies. Dear Guardian Angel, I seek help again as I don't know how to help my brother. Please guide me with your loving light.  Thank you for always being available to help me .” Once you say a prayer, you will feel as if your room is filled with light. Sometimes you will feel light spreading from your heart to the rest of your body. Other times I feel beautiful, peaceful energy in the room.

   Sometimes you might only hear the name of the angel or see a vision of your angel, or both might happen. Remember, everyone’s image of that specific angel is different. You might not see anything.  You might hear a name of an angel that you don’t recognize. Reminder, there are angels from other parts of the world. They are all strong and extremely helpful. If a name doesn’t come to mind, ask.      Next, ask your angel for help with an issue. Remember to be observant so that you will be aware if a message comes through. It might be in a dream, or you might notice that a sentence is repeated by a few people.  

   A reminder, you may not want to hear what your angel has to say (my experience with that – blog # 66), but you need to honor the message because if you continue to not listen, your angel will fade into the background until you ask for him or her to come back. Apologize and start honoring your angel’s suggestions if you want a relationship and be able to work with him or her.  

 

 

                I love this book! By Susan Gregg

    You will find that other assistants might come into help in difficult situations. Often times I work with Jesus, Quan Yin and Mother Teresa, and John the Baptist. Many times two or three will come in while I’m working on someone and sometimes there’s only one angel, a relative that has passed to the other side (if I'm working on one of my family members)  and an Ascended Master.

     What is an Ascended Master? They are individuals on earth who have learned their karmic lessons and have decided to remain on Earth as Ascended Masters to help the rest of humanity. Some Ascended Masters are Jesus, Sanat Kumara, Gautama Buddha, Maitreya, Confucius, Mary (mother of Jesus), Lady Master Nada, Enoch, Kwan Yin, Saint Germain, and Kuthumi, to name but a few.

   When you make a prayer to your Guardian Angel or Ascended Master it will always be heard but, it won’t always be answered. To make sure that your prayer is answered, you need to have a good intention and a pure heart. If you make a prayer with the intention of harming or hurting someone, you will never receive any sort of help from a Guardian Angel or an Ascended Master. The Guardian Angel will give you signs of his presence around you. You might hear high pitched frequencies in your ear, or you might see the recurrence of specific numbers in front of you, or you could come across coins from time to time. These are all signs that the Guardian Angel /Ascended Master might use to get your attention, so you know that he is there to help you during your time of need. Always ask for an explanation if you don't understand a message.

Free angel readings:  long reading      https://www.guardian-angel-reading.com

Simple and short -      http://www.earthangels.net.au/free-angel-guidance-reading

Finding your birth angel:   https://www.ucm.ca/en/info/find-your-birth-angels?gclid=CjwKCAjwtIXbBRBhEiwAWV-5nlNGtSFcbStrtmmjzjKy2gt-eEPuIMKBheeju3EXYUXPkGdOuxKiLBoCt9gQAvD_BwE

69 - Yuck! The smell of Nicotene again? A spirit returns to say Hi to his dad

 
  “Happy Anniversary!” Alan said the minute he stepped foot into the kitchen.  Roses? I was surprised with the dozen deep red flowers that he held out to me. And then he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me in for a nice kiss. “I love you!” He said warmly.  I didn’t hear that very often anymore, so it took me by surprise. Too much pain has happened in this house that we sometimes forget that we love each other.
   We had celebrated our anniversary  Saturday, the 28^th, two days after our actual anniversary because we had forgotten that it was our special day. That week both of us were caught up in the turmoil of losing Kyle; he had died on our anniversary. We lied and told the mortuary, he died on the 24^th, but our bodies somehow still remember that painful day and we had grumbled at each other until I remembered why we weren't kind to one another.    

   After Alan trimmed the flowers and placed them in a vase, and I  dished out the dinner onto the plates, Alan asked me to sit next to him so we could go through the photos of our Danube trip from last year. I had taken way too many shots. I felt extremely close to him at that moment. There was so much love in the room. It was strange because this magical energy seemed to be exuding from us.  Then ….what the heck? Why was I smelling nicotine?  Oh, yuck, right while we’re eating, gross!  I tried fanning away the smell, but it didn’t get rid of it.  Then the scent became stronger, and it flew into my nostrils, burning the lining.  Finally, I held my nose. “Alan, do you smell that?”

   He looked up from the screen with furrowed eyebrows and looked at me strangely. 

   “No, really, it’s nicotine….what the hell.” I looked around which was stupid because there was no one else in the house except Roxy, our mutt. Had I thought she had taken up smoking? In the back of my mind, I was thinking, this happened about 7 years ago when I had some of Kyle’s friends over to celebrate his new birthday, the day he passed away.  But why now?  Kyle, is that you? Kyle’s head popped into my mind’s eye. What do you…?  And then I looked at Alan, and I knew. “Alan, I know you’re not going to like what I’m going to say, but your son wants to say Hi to you.” I could feel this tremendous love in the room as if God had wrapped his arms around the three of us. It felt so delicious.

   Alan looked up from the screen and turned to me with this blank stare but said nothing.

  “I wonder why he came in now,” I said confused. Alan returned to the computer and started again editing our pictures.  Was it because we were relaxed and not grumbling at each other? We were actually enjoying each other’s company just like the old days, laughing and teasing each other. 

   I think Kyle was trying to remind his dad that he’s still around. Has the pain for the loss of his son closed Alan’s spiritual doors?  I asked him a day later why he didn’t say Hi to his son, and he said he did. Well, then he must have said something to him in his head. I reminded Alan that we can still talk to Kyle even though he's on the other side, but that blank stare popped back up, so I dropped the subject.

    It’s sad that millions of people don’t comprehend that we don’t need to be sad or depressed because a friend or a loved one has left this world. They are ecstatic that they are in heaven. We need to honor that. Also, don't think we are keeping them earthbound when we speak to our dead friend or relative unless your pain is so great that one of them thinks they have to stay earthbound to help you through your grief. You have to let them go. But remember, they have their spiritual life too, you have your life with the living so don't talk to them every day. (Blog # 14 and 32 techniques to release)
   Their spirit stays on earth if they can’t forgive themselves, or if your pain is so intense that they try to help you through it. (Kyle did this for a few years, and yes it took me a few times to release him. It took us both a while to trust that we could still communicate with each other and finally he returned 100%   to his spiritual home,  heaven.
   After Kyle passed away and my students learned that we were communicating, they came up after class and asked me how they could get back in touch with their relative so they could talk to him/her again like they used to when they were little. I told them that they needed to meditate for a few minutes or just slow their breathing down and then welcome their friend or relative back and apologize for being gone for so long. They might have to do this for a few days and then be open to receive. But remember spiritual vibration are sooooo much slower than ours, so don't expect to start a conversation when you're late for work. Good luck!

68 Is your relationship healthy

   What does a healthy relationship look like? Sometimes it’s difficult to know when all too often you’ve heard your parents yelling or saw one of them throwing something at the other or in total contrast, barely talking to each other. How can many of us know what a healthy relationship looks like when we grew up in a dysfunctional family? 

    A solid relationship should feel good; it should not make you feel anxious or stressed. Yes, we’re only human, and sometimes we bump heads, but you should feel comfortable in your relationship the majority of the time.  Remember, if we didn’t knock heads every once in a while, we wouldn’t learn how to compromise, or try something new or learn how to forgive. 

   Your friend, A.K.A., lover, is the person who should support you, listen to you when you’re upset and help you with the challenges you’re facing.  A partner in a healthy relationship accepts and loves you for the person you are today, lifts you up when you need it and reminds you how awesome you are when you’re down. But being in a healthy relationship also means respecting each other’s differences and compromising when there’s a disagreement.

   I think one of the hardest things for me to learn was to compromise. I honestly don’t know where I got my stubborn streak. But I wonder if it was from my father. I don’t think he had heard of the word until his fifties.

   It’s a balancing act to not feel like you are constantly giving in to accommodate your partner’s desires, but here are some things I learned from our 38 years of marriage: compromise….compromise…compromise.

 

1.  Alan and I rarely agree with the choice of furniture, pictures, or the dishes we want in the house. Compromise. One year you choose the sofa, and 8 years later your spouse chooses. Alan has learned that it's okay not to love a picture I wanted for a wall in the bedroom because he chose an oil painting over the fireplace which I didn't particularly like.

2.  The toilet paper roll… How many of you fight about that one? That was the hot argument when we first moved in together. Alan would always get after me for having the paper rip from the bottom. I’d sometimes yell, “Who cares as long as you can rip off the frickin’ paper?” That was and still is my thought on this issue.  But, a good rule – If you’re the one replacing the toilet roll, it’s placed on the way you want it. And when your loved one replaces the roll, he can replace it the wrong way…oops, I mean his way.  Good rule, huh?

   Or maybe your spouse is complaining about the route you’re taking to the movie theatre. Remind her, next time she can drive there her favorite way. 

3.  Negotiate and meet in the middle if possible.  Alan likes the temperature freezing when he is about to go to sleep, so, therefore, three hours before my nightie-night, I am forced to wear a wrap.  He would have it even colder, but we’ve agreed upon a number.  Another common compromise is because he’s a musician besides being an architect is that he loves those big loud parties, but they’re not my favorite. It’s too much energy and sensory overload for me, so we never stay long enough for him, but he understands when I tell him I need to go.

4.  Maybe there’s sometimes where you could try something your partner wants for a week or two and then see how it works.  Obviously, if the new way causes discomfort, go back to the old way.  Examples: Maybe your partner read a psychology magazine about a particular way of disciplining the kids, and you’re willing to try it because the old way just isn’t working very well. Or it could be about changing the way you make love, as it has become routine. And the list goes on.

5.  We almost always argue about where to sit in open seating at a concert.  Somehow, I seem to always lose. Alan wants to sit in the first two rows.  He says it’s because of his hearing. I understand he wants to see the musicians playing their guitars. (He’s a musician.) I, on the other hand, like to sit almost halfway back. (I used to be a theatre teacher; therefore I love to see the full picture.) Compromise. One time I choose where we sit and the next time, he does. Sounds a bit fairer, don’t’ you think?

6.  Libido – we each have our own rhythms and drive. You have to compromise. You don’t want to one day wake up to an empty bed.  Intimacy usually is an important part of a relationship, but if you don’t feel 100% comfortable with something, be honest. A healthy couple checks in with each other when something might be new. Remember, people who love you don’t pressure you or shame you for not doing what they want.

7.  Good partners understand that they are a part of your life – not your entire life. Your partner should encourage you to go out with friends or take that healing class.  Giving each other space is how you grow as a person and as a couple because it gives you more things to discuss. If your partner wants to go to Europe with her high school girlfriends, don’t complain. You should never have to give up your friends or family to have a relationship.   

8.  Figure out if you’re going to have a couple’s checking account or separate ones.  I have friends that have a checking account together and individually. I insisted on separate ones because my father and mom used to argue like crazy sometimes about how my dad spent the money.  

   Alan figured out how much more he makes monthly than I did, so I pay a third of the mortgage and we split everything else in half. There’s a huge difference in income when you have an architect income and a teacher’s check.

9.  It’s not okay when someone dictates how you should dress, whether they blatantly tell you that you don’t look good in that dress or if they try to shame you or make passive aggressive comments like avoiding you. Yes, you can compromise and sometimes wear ‘his’ favorite dress, but when you’re always doing it, you’re losing a part of yourself. 

     Make sure that you and your partner feel comfortable with any compromise. If you don’t feel good about a previous agreement, discuss the subject again. No matter how perfect we think our relationship is, there’s going to be disagreements sometimes. The skill of compromise is a valuable tool to learn in a relationship if you plan on surviving or your relationship will disintegrate, and you will be unhappy and feel alone.

    When a compromise is agreed upon, both of you should feel satisfied. If one of you feels like you’re always being taken advantage of, or if you’re giving in to keep the peace, then ultimately anger and resentment are going to surface. If you feel like this, it’s time to go to a Marriage Counselor. If your partner refuses, go alone, it might help. You have to decide if you're happy in this relationship and feel respected, if you’re not, it’s possibly time to move on.