61 - Stop playing the victim....

    Forgiving someone doesn't mean you forgive the negative behavior or comments which frightened you, hurt you, or made you fuul stupid or unloved. Often times we get stuck in the story or stories and can’t move forward: My parents were drunks….  My parents beat me all the time…  My uncle used to rape me…… My parents fought like cats and dogs….”    Whatever the story is we get stuck in it because we play the story over and over again, unable to move forward.  Therefore, we can’t paint, write poetry, write music, or write the book or live a full, happy life. Stop playing the part of the victim.  I used to do it often.

    When I was working on my memoir, I would come upon sections that made me confused and then it took me hours to try and figure out the timeline or how the incident occurred becasue I would react to what happened or what I didn't do as a parent and get upset. Now I  remind myself I’m not the victim anymore. Other times if I become emotional because memoirs dig up tons of garbage, I’d tap in the middle on the bone under my right eye and  then switch to the left eye while saying my new mantra for this season, "I'm not the victim anymore."

   Your soul is still pure and perfect. No one touched that part of you. No one.  Love that portion. You are not the victim anymore.  An amazing healer, Hazel Carter, taught me this. If you want to regain your power, and stop returning to you hurt self, try it. 

  A male or female could show up, or an angel of any nationality

    If you need more support, ask for your angel guides to come in. Which one(s) do you feel close to? If you don’t know get on line and read about a few and see if there’s one or two you have an affinity for.  Or maybe your grandmother or uncle was your strength. Take a few nice deep breaths then ask for her/him to come in. Feel his/her strength. Feel her right beside you when you start feeling the victim.  And remind yourself that you are not that child anymore. You are an adult.
   My blog  #70 you might want to check out:  "How to work with Angels or Ascended Masters to  help with difficulties you have in your life." You'll find it very useful.  

 https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2018/08/70-how-to-work-with-angels-or-acended.html    

60 - After you lose someone to drugs, it's easy to blame others first, then yourself and then finally you realize....

   We thought our son was clean. When I drug tested him at home, he was fine. Alan and I stumbled down the steps of the van grasping each other’s hands for support. We were in Vancouver, Canada celebrating our thirty years of marriage. How could this have happened?  While walking through the Visconti Gardens we struggled, trying to put the pieces together. Kyle had tested clean the couple times  I  had drug tested him, and he was attending the drug meetings at Kaiser and group counseling. Or was he?  I’d drop him off but did he slip out the back way like he used to do when I’d drop him off on Saturdays for Algebra tutoring when he was in high school?

   Later, one of his friends told me that after Kyle's meetings, a friend would pick him up and they’d go shoot up. Kyle had totaled another car, so he had no car.  Another one of Kyle’s friends told me that when I’d drop Kyle off, he’d slip out the back door.  Why didn't his friends ever think about calling and letting us know? Never did it cross my mind that he was sneaking out, never. His schizophrenia meds were working. The twitching had stopped.  We now had a young reasoning man in the house. He was so confident, so focused on school and what he wanted to do with his life.

   But the more we reviewed the last month, the more we realized there were signs. Kyle had told me a week before he passed way that the drug rehab meetings weren’t working. It didn’t occur to me that this was his hint of telling me he was using again. I just figured he didn’t like to go to the group meetings and share why he used, or sit there listening to the other people's stories.  I guess my brain was still in a fog from his ordeals and a daughter running off. 
    I also remembered when he came home at about 10 pm one night, and I walked into his room; he was distraught. He shared that Old Topanga Road was slippery and he had hit a tree that had fallen across the road, so he had to drive home a different way. I accused him of being on something as he looked dazed, but he swore he wasn’t. A sliver of a thought squeaked out that I needed to drug test him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.  And then floods of thoughts hijacked my brain. What now, is his car totaled? How is he going to get to school? This time we're not moving him out, we need to keep tabs on him. We'll figure it out.  
    I felt so drained; I walked off to bed and went to sleep. I had tested Kyle twice before, and it was positive. He had me call the doctor to verify he was on some med to help lessen the withdrawal symptoms, and this is why he showed positive on the drug test.  I called, and his doc verified everything. I was sure it would happen again if I tested him, so why waste the energy.

    Even later after Kyle stopped using the opiate which helps relieve addiction symptoms, I’m sure Kyle figured out a way to trick the drug test at Kaiser. After he had transitioned and I cleaned out his dresser, I found a bottle of weight loss pills.  I knew right away he had found a method to get rid of the drug before testing. Kaiser was oblivious. He was a smart kid, just not always a wise one. Obviously, he wasn’t ready to kick his heroin habit.

   Guilt grabbed my gut as I remember a week before we left for Canada, I was sitting on the couch in our kitchen grading papers. He stood up and stretched. I noticed that his muscled torso had disappeared. I wondered if he had lost his stomach muscles from using a few months earlier? Then I thought that I shouldn't accuse him of using so I asked, “Kyle, are you eating?”

   Quickly he pulled his T-shirt down. “I keep arriving over at Henry’s after they eat.”

   “Well, maybe you should eat here before you go over. We have tons of food here.”

    He mumbled something that I can’t remember, looked at the messages on his cell than said a bit irritated, “Don’t worry about it. My friend’s waiting for me at the bottom of the driveway," and left.

    I promised myself when he returned; I’d give him a drug test. I forgot. 

    For a couple of years, Alan and I beat ourselves up with the plethora of ‘I could ofs and I should ofs.'  And we did some pointing of fingers, blaming the other person.  Within those years I learned through therapy that Alan and I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder since we were children. Me, from moving around so much and having a dad who lost his cool way too often. But Alan had it too. His mother had a cerebral hemorrhage two months after giving birth to him. So Alan’s aunt raised him for the first three years until his dad remarried. That new mother was very demanding and a perfectionist, and like my dad,  scary for young kids. When Kyle had his breakdown, we often times walked around in a daze. We didn't know our childhood experiences would hinder us from being able to see the full picture.

   Kyle’s dozen car accidents and totaling of three cars already had kicked us both into experiencing PTSD symptoms which we were unaware of. Then once Kyle had his breakdown, we were experiencing it 24/7. I barely remembered my students’ names or what I was supposed to teach. Constantly I forgot about setting up dental or eye appointments for the family. Our brain went into protection mode, and my therapist shared that this is normal under the circumstances.  I forgave myself and Alan. And I thanked my brain for protecting me.

    The next epiphany hit Alan and I one day while talking.  We realized if Kyle wanted to stop using, he would have told us he needed to be in a full-time facility. Upon the second time, he shared with me that he was back on the black tar, Alan and I told him that we really loved him and wanted to place him in a  rehab facility full-time.  I spoke to his Kaiser psychiatrist, but the doc told us that Kyle wanted one more chance at going through the walk-in program at Kaiser.  Alan and I wonder if Kyle wanted to continue using. He wasn’t ready to buckle down and stay clean. He just wasn’t ready.

59 - Symptoms for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for adults, teens and children

   Many of you probably have Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, and don’t even know it because you have lived with it for so long that its symptoms have become a part of your lives. This is a condition that can develop after you have gone through a life-threatening event or if continued traumatic events keep occurring in your environment such as a parent spanking a lot, yelling in the house, breaking things, a parent abusing his/her spouse, alcoholism, drug abuse, a horrible car accident and the list goes on.

   You may have trouble keeping yourself from thinking over and over about what happened. Or you could feel numb. Sometimes you might try to avoid people and places that remind you of the trauma. Or you might startle easily and may feel on guard time, waiting for something to happen.

    When you experience overwhelming amounts of negative experiences, your body, mind, and spirit adapt, helping you cope for a while, but soon you will feel exhausted and sometimes detached from your daily life and from your loved ones.

   When you're afraid, your body activates the "fight or flight" response.  Your body releases adrenaline, which is responsible for increasing blood pressure, heart rate and rising glucose to muscles which would allow you to run away quickly if you are in immediate danger. However, once the threat (which may or may not have actually existed) is gone, the body begins a process of shutting down the stress response, and this process involves the release of another hormone known as cortisol. Sometimes your body does not generate enough cortisol, so it shuts down the flight or stress reaction. Therefore, you may continue to feel the stress effects of the adrenaline. 
   Trauma victims who develop PTSD often have higher levels of other stimulating hormones (catecholamines) under normal conditions even though the threat of trauma is not present, there is still lower levels of cortisol. This combination of higher than normal stimulating hormones and lower than normal levels of the "calming" hormones create the conditions for PTSD.

   After a month in this heightened state with stress hormones elevated and cortisol levels lowered, you may develop further physical changes, such as heightened hearing. This cascade of physical changes, one triggering another, suggests that early intervention may be the key to heading off the effects of post-traumatic stress disorder.   Low levels of cortisol during trauma may cause you to remember the scary event even more than the average person. Low cortisol could be a marker for those who might develop PTSD after trauma.

   People who develop PTSD do not get over their trauma so quickly. This disorder must be diagnosed by a medical professional.

 Some symptoms of PTSD:

     * Hyperarousal: always being on alert, trouble sleeping, irritability, difficulty concentrating,

         exaggerated startle response

     * Panic attacks: a feeling of intense fear, which can be accompanied by shortness of breath,
        dizziness, sweating, nausea, and a racing heart.

     * Physical symptoms: chronic pain, headaches, stomach pain, diarrhea, tightness or burning in the

        chest, muscle cramps, or low back pain

     * Feelings of mistrust: losing trust in others and thinking the world is a dangerous place

     * Problems in daily living: difficulty functioning in your job, at school, or in social situations

     * Substance abuse: using drugs or alcohol to cope with the emotional pain

     * Relationship problems: having problems with intimacy or feeling detached from your family and

        friends

    *  Depression: persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood; loss of interest in once-enjoyed activities;

       feelings of guilt and shame; or hopelessness about the future. Other symptoms of depression may also

develop.

    *  Destructive thoughts:  about taking one's own life, having upsetting and frightening dreams;    

       acting or feeling like the experience is happening again, or developing repeated physical or 

       emotional symptoms when the child is reminded of the event.

Children with PTSD may also show the following symptoms:

    * Worry about dying at an early age

    * Lose interest in activities
    * Have problems concentrating

    * Have physical symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches (My daughter had Fibromyalgia)

    * Show more sudden and extreme emotional reactions
    * Repeat behavior that reminds them of the trauma

    * Have problems falling or staying asleep

    * Show irritability or angry outbursts

    * Acting younger than their age (clingy or whiny behavior, thumb sucking)

    * Show increased alertness to the environment

  

Teenagers' symptoms might include:

    *Recurrent, intrusive, and distressing memories of the event; or dreams

    *Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring

    *Intense psychological distress when exposed to reminders of the traumatic event

    *Detachment, estrangement from others, decreased interest in activities

    *Irritability, sleep disturbances, poor concentration, hypervigilance, anxiety

   Since I have been involved in group Constellation Healing, I have learned that my siblings and I experienced trauma.  We moved around almost every two years to a new state. But most of all, I learned that my father's yelling, spanking, forking a brother’s hand, or kicking another brother, throwing things, breaking walls and doors was not normal behavior.  I had grown up with it, so I assumed it was.  Hopefully, if you continually experience some of the symptoms off and on during your life, you will go and get help so that you can release the hurts. You will become free of them, but it does take work and yes, some tears, but most of all a world of forgiveness. 
   You will feel calmer, have more control of your life and feel much happier. The buttons that used to make you react will slowly diminish and then magically disappear. I guarantee that you will fall in love even more with the new you. It will be a tough, bumpy road for a while, but you can do it. Remember, I'm here if you need to talk. You can leave a note on my blog or if you feel more comfortable, get in touch with me at tbboivin8@gmail.com.

My other BLOGS that might be useful:

#4  - Types of therapy that are helpful

#6  -  Helpful organizations for those who are dealing with or have someone who is mentally ill,  
         abusing drugs or alcohol

#7  –  How to meditate.  Really helps you relax and let go of hurts.

#21 – Technique to help you release negative thoughts

#36 -  Two quick techniques to return to the now if you’re thinking negative thoughts

#55 -  What happens when we can’t forgive
#61 -  Stop playing the victim

   

  

58 - It would be a different world if we taught anger management in the prisons, at home and in the schools

   Many of us weren’t taught how to handle our anger or frustration because our parents weren’t enlightened by their parents. That’s why some of us learned to react by hitting or yelling when our children do something wrong .
   How about the children in Foster Care who don’t have role models? There were 437,500 children in Foster Care by the end of 2016.  How many more children will be shot on campus until the schools understand that we are all a family and we need to teach kids how to handle our anger?  (Wouldn’t it be of value in the prisons also? We’d have a different world, I think.)
    It’s not too late to learn how to handle our negative feelings so we can be a  positive role model.

 

How do we teach our children to handle anger?

There are ways to handle anger

1. When you get upset, model calmness. Kids learn by watching and listening.  (Alan and I were horrible models for this. We had a lot of baggage, so we carried it into the relationship. If possible go to therapy so you can deal with that anger.)

2. If your child is reacting and pushes one of your buttons, you need to stay calm. Tell your child or partner (remember you have to model what you teach) that you need ‘time out’ until you have control. You do NOT want to react physically or verbally. Your child will probably look at you strangely when you do this first, but explain why you are doing this, that you need to calm down, so you don’t yell or spank. They’ll understand.)

3.  Explain to your child that we all have little signs that warn us that we are starting to become upset. We need to listen to these signs because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your child recognize what individual warning signs she may have that tells her she's starting to get upset such as:  talking louder, cheeks get flushed,  clench fists,  heart pounds,  want to yell,  mouth gets dry,  breathe faster or can’t think clearly.

   Once she's aware of these signs, start pointing them out to her whenever she first starts to get frustrated. "Looks like you're starting to get out of control." or "Your hands are in a fist now. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?" The more we help kids or adults recognize those early warning signs when their anger is first triggered, the better they will be able to calm themselves down. It's also the time when anger management strategies are most effective. Anger escalates quickly, and waiting until your child is already in a "meltdown" to get her back into control is usually too late.

4. I suggested to my students that when they get angry or frustrated, or even if they can’t concentrate because they’re worried about something, see themselves walking in their favorite quiet place. It could be a park, the mountains or the beach. I tell them to listen to the sounds, notice the vibrant colors and reach out to touch the sand or feel the texture of a leaf. Smell a flower.  If you have a yard or can walk around the block or go to the park, do the same thing, notice all the plants, their colors, their smells.  If no one is looking, hug a tree, that immediately pulls your energy in and grounds you.  

5. Place a Feelings Chart on the refrigerator for everyone to use. I included sites at the bottom of the page.  Be as consistent as possible. Talk to your loved one how you feel and why you are sad or upset. (Alan and I are still learning this.) This will alleviate anger, defiance, aggression, and tantrums. Yes, that’s with all age groups.

  A child or teen who can say, “I’m angry with you because….,” is less likely to hit, or say something nasty on the internet or walk onto campus with a gun. And a child who can say, "That hurts my feelings," is an individual who wants to resolve conflict peacefully.

  Teaching your child about his emotions will help him become mentally strong. Understanding feelings is the first step toward learning how to manage them in a healthily way. You can prevent kids from holding their feelings in which causes emotional problems and you’re teaching them a life-long skill. (Our daughter held her feeling in and ended up with Fibromyalgia which is very painful.)

6. Choose one skill your child needs to be more successful in and emphasize the same skill a few minutes every day for at least for a couple weeks. This way your child will really learn the new skill, and then you can go to the next step.

Blog number 5 also talks about the importance of expressing your feelings and knowing the vocabulary to use when one is upset.

Great sites for feeling words with faces:

- Feeling Word Cards by Kathy Ryan   - You can download them and print them out.  The adjectives used are perfect for young children. Post them on a cabinet at their level.       https://www.google.com/search?q=Feeling+Word+Cards+by+Kathy+Ryan&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=NUNTRBE-4BGWKM%253A%252CbrCho-GMp-uIdM%252C_&usg=AFrqEzd3jZGCIcUifIhERIBZEB24ikNMTw&sa=X ved=2ahUKEwjcyt3BrYjdAhVMNd8KHV5iAfYQ9QEwBnoECAYQDg#imgdii=Fu6jKZl-4WrM0M:&imgrc=NUNTRBE-4BGWKM:

- https://i.pinimg.com/736x/f3/37/c8/f337c8a43e863b571fcecfd7988a33a8--emotion-faces-character-trait.jpg     These adjectives are perfect for 7th graders and older. Download and print them up for each member of the family and post one on the kitchen cabinet in the kitchen where everyone can see it. 

57 - When you feel guilty, and overly sad, many times a ghost of a loved one will stay earthbound....

    After Kyle passed away, and he and I were talking to each other,  I needed to be around people that could talk to those on the other side, so I sought out a psychic circle. I wondered if I was imagining if  I was talking to him or if I  was wacko.  At Topanga Center I found a magazine on the rack that had tons of spiritual classes in it.
  This was my second time I attended this group. We had been asked to bring something that was owned by our loved one who had passed to the other side. I brought Kyle’s whistle to the workshop that he had made in ceramics class. The medium  talked us through some exercises so we would relax and raise our level of energy (which really means slow our energy down,) and taught us how to protect ourselves.  We placed our items in a velvet purple box and each of us pulled out a different item without looking.

Kyle's whistle that he made in high school

    The teacher pulled Kyle’s whistle out. I was excited that she was going to demonstrate with this object because she is an excellent medium. Kyle spoke so fast that she was spitting out the words. It was difficult to write everything down.  Here are some of the things she said….  “It’s a man…a young man…he’s from 22 to 25. He put on a mask for everyone. Felt like he couldn’t be who he truly was because he had to please others, but that was his life lesson. They’re sorry….he’s sorry. He keeps repeating this over and over. He wanted to be more, see more. Feel like he couldn’t cut the mustard but this isn’t related to family but to society. He tried but gave up. I feel there was some impairment with alcohol or drugs. He’s really confused.  He wants to say more but he doesn’t trust me (medium).  There’s a pain in his chest. I think he had a heart attack. I feel his grandfather’s energy, seems serious, not light-hearted…watching over him…he feels very close to his grandfather. Grandfather recently passed away. (He did about 4 months ago). More to say.. .more to say…I’m around you always. They are around you… they are around you… He sees all the pain he caused and if he could have, he would have changed everything. I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.. .Wants to know that you(me) are OKAY. He keeps coming back to check on you. He hasn’t crossed over, he says he has some unfinished business. If he could take back what he did, he wouldn’t do it. It was unintentional, an accident. I didn’t mean to hurt you..sorry…sorry...  He doesn’t trust me (medium) have so much to say. Wishes he said he loved you more while he was alive.” 

   I sat there in the medium’s living room writing it all down like a mad woman.  My heart was beating like a marathon runner, I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t even cry, too busy writing. My friend, Nadine, who knew Kyle kept smiling at me while I listened and wrote. The medium said that we all need to pray that Kyle passes to the other side because he’s still a ground spirit. I asked her, “What is a ground spirit?”    

   She asked,” Haven’t you seen the series Medium or Ghost Whisperers?”

    I told her I’ve only seen half of a show of Ghost Whispers.  She shared that Kyle’s spirit is still around because he has some unfinished business still on earth, but that I needed to tell him it’s okay to go to the other side.  I struggled to fight back my tears, but failed.  I asked, “Will I still be able to talk to him and feel him near me?”

   She responded, “Yes, but it will be at a different level but he needs to cross over. This is his next step in spiritually developing and then he can help out more.”  I wasn’t sure what she meant. How is he supposed to help? Help whom?

    I sniffled through my curtain of tears that I wasn’t quite ready to let him go, but I knew I would be soon.  I mentioned that maybe the unfinished business was that Kyle felt he had to help one of his best friends who was on drugs or maybe he still needed to talk to his dad. 

   She replied, “Maybe,” and gave me a hug.

   When I arrived home I shared with Alan all that the medium had said. We chuckled and felt close to Kyle and a little closer to each other. Losing a child to drugs is taxing on a relationship.

   I was extremely emotional the next few days, lots of crying. I knew I had to stop being selfish and yet I had this feeling that Kyle was not an earth spirit just because of me.  Were my sadness, missing him, and feeling regret for the ocean full of my mistakes holding him to this earth?  Maybe that was some of it, but I still had a feeling that Kyle was sure he could save his best friend Steve.  But I knew I had to stop being selfish and tell him to cross over at least I had control over that.

    But I was mortified. Was Kyle going to stop being there for me when I cry about Nicole not getting in touch with me or when I start missing him?  Or when he crosses over, am I not going to see him do something silly to make me laugh so I would get out of my funk?  That 8 months after Kyle died, all I had to do was think about him or get upset and immediately I felt Kyle’s spirit nearby.   Sometimes I asked him where he’d been. Usually I knew, he was with Steve, one of his best friends, trying to help him be strong so he could kick his heroin addiction, the exact addiction in which Kyle couldn’t kick. 

   Other times Kyle told me he was traveling. I thought that strange so I asked where, and he said, "Italy.” I don’t know if spirits can travel but I believed him. I always thought they just haunted a house they had lived in.  Once I was leaning down at Topanga Fitness, about to lift some weights when I felt this energy circle around my legs and upper torso. I felt a little hug as I was lifted slightly off the floor. I remember laughing and crying at the same time. I was sure people nearby wondered if I was crazy. Of course, I cried instead. And Kyle said, “Mom please, it’s okay I’m so happy.” I told him I knew he was. Or he’d say, “Mom, I won’t come back to say ‘HI’ again.”

    Then I’d say, “Okay..Okay.. but I am grieving like a normal mom.”  Am I not going to have that relationship with him anymore? Will I be able to see him, or feel his kiss on my head? I wondered. But I knew I had to be strong enough to release him. I did not want to be the one responsible in hindering his spiritual development

     Finally, I was ready and on Saturday I told Kyle it was okay to pass so that he could help me heal others, and that this was the next step for his spiritual journey. (I’m not sure where that came from, but that was what came out of my mouth.) I told him we’d still be able to talk, that I will never again close my channels off to others.( In fact some of my family members have now returned to talk to me when I’m open to it. )I also reminded Kyle that he could probably help Steve more if he crossed to the other side but that Steve could choose not to listen just like he (Kyle) refused to listen to us on many occasions. We each have our own paths…

    Sunday, Alan and I went on a walk to Eagle Rock in Topanga State Park with two other friends. I could feel that Kyle wasn’t around me. I kept calling out his name in my head.  I felt so empty. Finally, when he spoke I could feel that the energy was different, it was far away. Out of desperation, I would call him in, but he didn’t come in. I really had to slow my breathing down to feel his presence. I arrived home in major depression, cascades of tears rolled down my face. Monday, I kept denying he had left this earth. I taught all day and fought back the tears. I didn’t even wear make-up because I knew it would smear. My students had become used to some of those teary-eyed days. Always they behaved extremely well on those moody days.

   By Wednesday it hit me, he had crossed. I was happy for him and yet sad because I was used to having him close by babysitting me.  I wondered if Kyle crossed because I told him I’d be ok and that we would still be able to communicate. I don’t think so. Kyle told me that Sat. night, his friend Steve had texted a very inappropriate comment to me after I had told him I was taking a psychic workshop. I think Kyle got really disgusted with Steve and realized there is not much he can do for him. I asked Kyle what happened and all he said is, “Steve is so stupid sometimes.” He didn’t go into any detail. But I learned a few days later that it wasn’t Steve that was keeping Kyle earthbound.

    I was a mess. I missed Kyle horribly and loved that when I would delve into deep depression or swim through the sludge of guilt, he would show up and do something funny or give me a little lecture about forgiveness. I really really missed having him near.  A few days after he had crossed, I walked outside. His semi- transparent body was sitting outside at the patio table, smiling. “Hi, mom.”

    Yes, I cried like a frickin’ little baby.  I knew he returned because he realized I wasn’t ready to let him go quite yet. Yes, I felt terribly selfish, but I wasn’t strong enough to move forward like I had thought.  It took me two more times to release him and they are amazing stories in their own right, so I guess you’ll have to wait for those stories.

56 - Judging yourself and others is unhealthy... ways to cancel that negative energy so it doesn't make you sick

    A few years after my children left home in their own unique ways, I took a weekend workshop with an insightful healer, Michael Simonson. He has an informative website, lectures at schools for free and runs a private school for children who are energetically sensitive: A.D.H.D., Autistic, Asperger’s, etc.  He is an extremely amazing healer and speaker. His website is: https://www.energeticallysensitivechild.com/  His workshop changed my negative way of thinking and judging not only myself but my husband.  This weekend class helped save me from self-destruction caused by guilt after Nicole's left without a word but also after Kyle overdosed. But it also saved our marriage.

   Michael taught that when we think negative thoughts (envy, jealousy, anger, fear) or make a judgment about oneself or someone else, we unconsciously are saying that individual or ourself won’t succeed, that they or you are not good enough. When we worry, we step out of our beautiful light and send negative energy not only to our self but to the other individual. Judging is NOT accepting the free will of others. For example, when we are afraid someone is not going to do well in school, or we worry about our children getting into car accidents, or using drugs or alcohol, we’ve made a judgment. You still can be honest about your concern without attacking, worrying or judging.

   Don't ever see anything as blocking you or a loved one from doing something. "I (or you) can't do this....."   because you place negative energy around yourself and the other person.   For example: Maybe you are telling your fantastic brain that you can't do math or you can't write an essay or play football. Everyone has strengths in different areas. Just because it might take you a little longer to understand or do something does NOT mean you are stupid. Judging is a powerful way to take away your power and move you into darkness: depression and anger.

    I would tell my students if they have difficulty with math, it’s okay, but the more they feel stupid, the thicker that wall builds which stops them from staying open to learning math. (I would show them what a healthy and an unhealthy aura looks like.) We are here on this earth to explore, so you decide if you are going to react negatively to experience or positively. Also, I would remind them about the other life lessons they are learning due to this struggle: to forgive self for not being perfect, to not give up and so on.

    If you make a judgment say, “I take that negative comment and melt it into my love and light.” (I motion to my heart.)That light is your true self, your spirit. Remember, negativity breeds negativity.  I taught my students moons ago before I took Michael’s workshop to say,  “Cancel…cancel” after they think a negative thought. This does the same thing. It cancels the negative energy after you've said or thought something negative. But I like Michael’s statement better because it's positive. Your lack of confidence is a negative thought.  Acknowledge negative thought.  Release darkness into your light...release it to the higher self.  Break the habit. Fear disempowers you.  Your ability to love yourself entirely is controlled by judges.  How can you thoroughly love someone or yourself when you are thinking or saying negative things. 

Beautiful colors are around your whole body when you are positive, but when you're negative the colors change to grey

  
    Have compassion for someone as long as you're not feeling sorry for the individual. He or she chose to experience this negative experience. When you feel sorry for someone, then you lower your energy because you're feeding off their energy.

   If these negative thoughts continue, you open yourself up to negative energy.   Many believe that we have memories stuck in our bodies from previous lives, so some of our negative feelings and habits aren't even from this lifetime.  Wouldn't it be nice to get rid of them finally?  Once you take control of healing issues from this lifetime, your soul will heal past life issues.

   When parents fear for their children, this negative energy is confusing to the child, so children feel unloved, afraid, not worthy, stupid....... (I'm sure this feeling is the same when a spouse is scared for his/her partner also.)   
   Affirmation (great to have your kids repeat these sentences after you and include the spouse- "I release all my negative thoughts and fears that my family has about me.  I transmute these fears and negative thoughts to my love and light. I've done no wrong. I've judged my parents, my siblings, my children and my friends. I've done a hell of a job. But now I transmute these feelings to my love and light.  My energy fields are aligning with who I am….. a positive, wise, capable young woman (or man).  I'm a creative, intelligent, walking-talking love machine…..ready to experience life. I release any negative energy into my light, and I transmute it with love and light and return it to my higher self as a chosen experience.

 The way to change the world is to transform yourself.  

How to see someone's aura -  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYlb_XtNP7c

An easy way to change your grey-black aura - say positive affirmations about how wonderful you are and what things you are good at doing.

55 - The inability to forgive can cause mental or physical illness

   As a Reiki healer, I can’t tell you how many people I have worked on that have a mental or physical illness due to anger that is stuck in the body because they are unable to forgive. Many times we hold onto various negative emotions, and unless we release them, they brew and get stuck in a part of the body, thereby causing physical or mental illness.   One of my first experiences with this was when I was training in a natural healing workshop, a Reiki Master’s class.  We paired off and were told not to tell each other what our pains were because Jessica Miller, our teacher, wanted us, the healer, to feel or sense what needed to be healed the most.  Mark, my patient, (not his real name) was very congenial and lay down on the massage table.

    After placing Reiki signs on my hands and in the room, I scanned his body, a method picks up the areas blocked. My hands buzzed and hurt as I passed my hands over his lower back. I felt other areas that made my hands tingle, but nothing like the back.  I returned to the back and started healing that area. I saw a semi-dark room and a woman lowering herself on top of something. It was too dark for me to see. But I felt the fear of a young boy, no, it was a teenager.  The teacher asked us to finish up after about thirty minutes. I sealed the session, and Mrk sat up from the table.

   I told him that I had felt a tremendous amount of pain in his back. My stomach churned and my hands hurt.  He verified that he had some debilitating back problems which kept him from working full time.  I didn’t know this fellow student and felt very awkward about telling him what I saw, but because this was a workshop, I knew I had to.  I stumbled over my whispers when I asked him if he was sexually molested by his mother.  Tears welled up in his eyes. He shared that it his stepmother had raped him a couple of times when he was 16.  I told him that I was so sorry and gave him time to regain his composure.

   Then I asked him if he wanted to become unstuck and healed as quickly as he could so he could regain his life. He said, “Yes. I’d do anything. My boyfriend has been very supportive.”

   I shared that for him to regain his life, he had to forgive his stepmother. He didn’t have to forgive her actions, but he needed to forgive her if he wanted his back to heal. I reminded him that her spirit is pure and she, the human self, didn’t mean to cross the boundaries and hurt him.  I suggested that he pray every night for about two weeks before going to sleep, and let her spirit know that he has forgiven her.  And then he needs to remind himself that his light (his spirit) was never hurt or touched by her. I also suggested that he continue with Reiki healing.

  Some books you might want to check into Metaphysical  Anatomy Your Body is Talking, Are You Listening?  is a rather large book written by Evette Rose explaining why you have a cyst in your breast or have dementia, cancer, etc. An excellent small book that explains why you are sick/hurt in specific areas of your body and gives affirmations to say to reprogram your way of thinking – Heal Your Body by Louise Hayes.

Also, look at Blogs , 32, 36,and 51. These blogs teach different techniques to get you out of depression, and teach how to forgive self and others. Also, I'm not going to lie, going to various types of therapist saved my life when our daughter left and our son passed away from an overdose. It's almost been 10 years since we've seen our daughter, only a few letters have passed between us.

Post 7 -   https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2017/12/7-do-you-know-how-meditation-helps-or.html
Post 8 -   https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2017/12/8-when-you-lose-someone-to-alcohol-or.html 
Post 21 - https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2018/02/21-take-control-technique-for-you-and.html
Post 32 - https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2018/03/32-do-you-keep-reacting-to-something.html
Post 36 - https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2018/03/36-two-quick-techniques-for-adults-and.html

54 - Teach your child how to handle peer rejection

    One day my daughter broke down crying and sputtered out, “No one likes me. They won’t let me play with them.”  A few of my heartstrings popped that day. I felt so sad for my 8-year-old. Of course, I instantly reminded her of all the fantastic qualities she had, worried that her self- esteem had just dropped a few feet.  After Nicole complained again about these so-called friends leaving her out a few more times, I called their parents, and they agreed to talk to their children, and we agreed to have a few play dates. This seemed to help for at least a few years.

    Years later, I wonder how I could have helped this lively, smart and creative girl handle rejection better. Could I have made her proactive without me jumping in to save her?  I gleaned a few blogs and articles written by professionals and here’s what I learned:

1.  Don’t overreact or jump-in the instant you see that your child is feeling rejected. First, ask yourself whether this would do more harm than good. Often times, children get upset and then move on. It’s us, the parent who is reacting.

2.  When we try to fix the situation immediately or too often, your child might wonder whether something is wrong with her or wonder why it’s such a big deal, because being left out is no big deal to her.

3.  Most children have no filters. They just react, and something blurts out of their mouth. They’re brutally honest as they have no social skills. They’ll say, “Go away,” or “Shut up.”  Remind your child of a time when she didn’t want to play with her little brother because she wanted to be alone.

4.  Always take the time to encourage your child to express her feelings.

5.  Show empathy. (Read the site below, it’s excellent).  Ask if it’s okay to give her a hug.

Ask your child if she could use a hug

6.  Don’t argue, or brush aside how your child feels which will make her feel unimportant. And don’t lecture about what your child did/said wrong. Maybe another day you can ask your child if she remembers saying something that might have upset the other person and go from there.

7.  Reiterate what she must be feeling: “It sounds like your feelings were hurt pretty badly when your friends didn’t want to play with you.”  This acknowledgment makes them feel heard, and it solidifies that their feelings are real.

https://www.wikihow.com/Show-Empathy    As a parent, this site is an excellent site to teach your child how to show empathy towards others.  Too bad schools don’t teach this in the classroom or at an assembly. Bet bullying would almost cease.

53 - It's important to have couple time, no work, no kids

   Your alarm buzzes and you turn over with a groan, open your eyes and slowly focus on the man lying next to you.  You squint. “Who’s this guy in my bed?” you ask yourself. After blinking a couple of times, you realize it’s your husband.  Yes, I’ve had this happen.

   Sometimes we get preoccupied with work, kids and trying to survive that we don’t slow down to keep that flame burning with our partner. Often times we’re so tired at the end of the day that sex has become boring or nil. Date nights don’t do it, and that should be at least twice a month by the way. You’re only out for a couple of hours, and then you’re back to reality.

   You need to go on a mini vacation just the two of you. Don’t feel guilty; it’s good for the kids also.  Your trip doesn’t have to be to another state or country. It could be at a Best Western or a resort close by.  It doesn’t matter, it’s the alone time that should get the both of you excited. (Don’t forget to pack that new negligee, perfume and maybe a candle or two.)

  Lean on your family at least once or twice a year.  If you don’t have family close by, ask friends that

have children also, to see if they’d be willing to exchange some time.

 

 It's  important to spend time together as a couple

RULES

1. You cannot talk about the children! Eh…..no…..not one iota. This time is for you two.  (Okay, okay, agree that you can talk about them for five minutes and that’s it.  No talking about work,  no T.V. on….If one of you breaks the rule, I bet you can think of some type of torture. Right?

2.  Either bring food or go out to a restaurant.  Again, it doesn’t matter if you go to Denny’s or Tony’s Steak House, it matters that you are spending quality time together.

3.  If it’s only a couple of nights, no calling home. (Hard for women, we always want to make sure our children are surviving without us.  THIS IS YOUR TIME TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR LOVELY HUSBAND OR WIFE.)  If there’s a problem, you know that the babysitter will call you.

4.  Have fun! Reminisce how you met. Remind each other what personality and physical traits you fell immediately in love with and maybe what took a little more time for you to fall in love with.

5. Sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship. It keeps you close, intimate and playful. Bring your laptop and rent a ‘R’ rated movie, or buy a book on healthy playful sex…try some new things.  Remember what your partner likes. Talk to each other about your likes and dislikes under those sheets.

6. Stay in the present. Don’t worry about work or about the kids.

7.  If you have the money it’s relaxing to stay at a hotel with a spa, Jacuzzi, a sauna, and a massage will majorly relax you.
   Okay, now it'a time. Grab a camendar and book a date.