58 - It would be a different world if we taught anger management in the prisons, at home and in the schools

   Many of us weren’t taught how to handle our anger or frustration because our parents weren’t enlightened by their parents. That’s why some of us learned to react by hitting or yelling when our children do something wrong .
   How about the children in Foster Care who don’t have role models? There were 437,500 children in Foster Care by the end of 2016.  How many more children will be shot on campus until the schools understand that we are all a family and we need to teach kids how to handle our anger?  (Wouldn’t it be of value in the prisons also? We’d have a different world, I think.)
    It’s not too late to learn how to handle our negative feelings so we can be a  positive role model.

 

How do we teach our children to handle anger?

There are ways to handle anger

1. When you get upset, model calmness. Kids learn by watching and listening.  (Alan and I were horrible models for this. We had a lot of baggage, so we carried it into the relationship. If possible go to therapy so you can deal with that anger.)

2. If your child is reacting and pushes one of your buttons, you need to stay calm. Tell your child or partner (remember you have to model what you teach) that you need ‘time out’ until you have control. You do NOT want to react physically or verbally. Your child will probably look at you strangely when you do this first, but explain why you are doing this, that you need to calm down, so you don’t yell or spank. They’ll understand.)

3.  Explain to your child that we all have little signs that warn us that we are starting to become upset. We need to listen to these signs because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your child recognize what individual warning signs she may have that tells her she's starting to get upset such as:  talking louder, cheeks get flushed,  clench fists,  heart pounds,  want to yell,  mouth gets dry,  breathe faster or can’t think clearly.

   Once she's aware of these signs, start pointing them out to her whenever she first starts to get frustrated. "Looks like you're starting to get out of control." or "Your hands are in a fist now. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?" The more we help kids or adults recognize those early warning signs when their anger is first triggered, the better they will be able to calm themselves down. It's also the time when anger management strategies are most effective. Anger escalates quickly, and waiting until your child is already in a "meltdown" to get her back into control is usually too late.

4. I suggested to my students that when they get angry or frustrated, or even if they can’t concentrate because they’re worried about something, see themselves walking in their favorite quiet place. It could be a park, the mountains or the beach. I tell them to listen to the sounds, notice the vibrant colors and reach out to touch the sand or feel the texture of a leaf. Smell a flower.  If you have a yard or can walk around the block or go to the park, do the same thing, notice all the plants, their colors, their smells.  If no one is looking, hug a tree, that immediately pulls your energy in and grounds you.  

5. Place a Feelings Chart on the refrigerator for everyone to use. I included sites at the bottom of the page.  Be as consistent as possible. Talk to your loved one how you feel and why you are sad or upset. (Alan and I are still learning this.) This will alleviate anger, defiance, aggression, and tantrums. Yes, that’s with all age groups.

  A child or teen who can say, “I’m angry with you because….,” is less likely to hit, or say something nasty on the internet or walk onto campus with a gun. And a child who can say, "That hurts my feelings," is an individual who wants to resolve conflict peacefully.

  Teaching your child about his emotions will help him become mentally strong. Understanding feelings is the first step toward learning how to manage them in a healthily way. You can prevent kids from holding their feelings in which causes emotional problems and you’re teaching them a life-long skill. (Our daughter held her feeling in and ended up with Fibromyalgia which is very painful.)

6. Choose one skill your child needs to be more successful in and emphasize the same skill a few minutes every day for at least for a couple weeks. This way your child will really learn the new skill, and then you can go to the next step.

Blog number 5 also talks about the importance of expressing your feelings and knowing the vocabulary to use when one is upset.

Great sites for feeling words with faces:

- Feeling Word Cards by Kathy Ryan   - You can download them and print them out.  The adjectives used are perfect for young children. Post them on a cabinet at their level.       https://www.google.com/search?q=Feeling+Word+Cards+by+Kathy+Ryan&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=NUNTRBE-4BGWKM%253A%252CbrCho-GMp-uIdM%252C_&usg=AFrqEzd3jZGCIcUifIhERIBZEB24ikNMTw&sa=X ved=2ahUKEwjcyt3BrYjdAhVMNd8KHV5iAfYQ9QEwBnoECAYQDg#imgdii=Fu6jKZl-4WrM0M:&imgrc=NUNTRBE-4BGWKM:

- https://i.pinimg.com/736x/f3/37/c8/f337c8a43e863b571fcecfd7988a33a8--emotion-faces-character-trait.jpg     These adjectives are perfect for 7th graders and older. Download and print them up for each member of the family and post one on the kitchen cabinet in the kitchen where everyone can see it.