57 - When you feel guilty, and overly sad, many times a ghost of a loved one will stay earthbound....

    After Kyle passed away, and he and I were talking to each other,  I needed to be around people that could talk to those on the other side, so I sought out a psychic circle. I wondered if I was imagining if  I was talking to him or if I  was wacko.  At Topanga Center I found a magazine on the rack that had tons of spiritual classes in it.
  This was my second time I attended this group. We had been asked to bring something that was owned by our loved one who had passed to the other side. I brought Kyle’s whistle to the workshop that he had made in ceramics class. The medium  talked us through some exercises so we would relax and raise our level of energy (which really means slow our energy down,) and taught us how to protect ourselves.  We placed our items in a velvet purple box and each of us pulled out a different item without looking.

Kyle's whistle that he made in high school

    The teacher pulled Kyle’s whistle out. I was excited that she was going to demonstrate with this object because she is an excellent medium. Kyle spoke so fast that she was spitting out the words. It was difficult to write everything down.  Here are some of the things she said….  “It’s a man…a young man…he’s from 22 to 25. He put on a mask for everyone. Felt like he couldn’t be who he truly was because he had to please others, but that was his life lesson. They’re sorry….he’s sorry. He keeps repeating this over and over. He wanted to be more, see more. Feel like he couldn’t cut the mustard but this isn’t related to family but to society. He tried but gave up. I feel there was some impairment with alcohol or drugs. He’s really confused.  He wants to say more but he doesn’t trust me (medium).  There’s a pain in his chest. I think he had a heart attack. I feel his grandfather’s energy, seems serious, not light-hearted…watching over him…he feels very close to his grandfather. Grandfather recently passed away. (He did about 4 months ago). More to say.. .more to say…I’m around you always. They are around you… they are around you… He sees all the pain he caused and if he could have, he would have changed everything. I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.. .Wants to know that you(me) are OKAY. He keeps coming back to check on you. He hasn’t crossed over, he says he has some unfinished business. If he could take back what he did, he wouldn’t do it. It was unintentional, an accident. I didn’t mean to hurt you..sorry…sorry...  He doesn’t trust me (medium) have so much to say. Wishes he said he loved you more while he was alive.” 

   I sat there in the medium’s living room writing it all down like a mad woman.  My heart was beating like a marathon runner, I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t even cry, too busy writing. My friend, Nadine, who knew Kyle kept smiling at me while I listened and wrote. The medium said that we all need to pray that Kyle passes to the other side because he’s still a ground spirit. I asked her, “What is a ground spirit?”    

   She asked,” Haven’t you seen the series Medium or Ghost Whisperers?”

    I told her I’ve only seen half of a show of Ghost Whispers.  She shared that Kyle’s spirit is still around because he has some unfinished business still on earth, but that I needed to tell him it’s okay to go to the other side.  I struggled to fight back my tears, but failed.  I asked, “Will I still be able to talk to him and feel him near me?”

   She responded, “Yes, but it will be at a different level but he needs to cross over. This is his next step in spiritually developing and then he can help out more.”  I wasn’t sure what she meant. How is he supposed to help? Help whom?

    I sniffled through my curtain of tears that I wasn’t quite ready to let him go, but I knew I would be soon.  I mentioned that maybe the unfinished business was that Kyle felt he had to help one of his best friends who was on drugs or maybe he still needed to talk to his dad. 

   She replied, “Maybe,” and gave me a hug.

   When I arrived home I shared with Alan all that the medium had said. We chuckled and felt close to Kyle and a little closer to each other. Losing a child to drugs is taxing on a relationship.

   I was extremely emotional the next few days, lots of crying. I knew I had to stop being selfish and yet I had this feeling that Kyle was not an earth spirit just because of me.  Were my sadness, missing him, and feeling regret for the ocean full of my mistakes holding him to this earth?  Maybe that was some of it, but I still had a feeling that Kyle was sure he could save his best friend Steve.  But I knew I had to stop being selfish and tell him to cross over at least I had control over that.

    But I was mortified. Was Kyle going to stop being there for me when I cry about Nicole not getting in touch with me or when I start missing him?  Or when he crosses over, am I not going to see him do something silly to make me laugh so I would get out of my funk?  That 8 months after Kyle died, all I had to do was think about him or get upset and immediately I felt Kyle’s spirit nearby.   Sometimes I asked him where he’d been. Usually I knew, he was with Steve, one of his best friends, trying to help him be strong so he could kick his heroin addiction, the exact addiction in which Kyle couldn’t kick. 

   Other times Kyle told me he was traveling. I thought that strange so I asked where, and he said, "Italy.” I don’t know if spirits can travel but I believed him. I always thought they just haunted a house they had lived in.  Once I was leaning down at Topanga Fitness, about to lift some weights when I felt this energy circle around my legs and upper torso. I felt a little hug as I was lifted slightly off the floor. I remember laughing and crying at the same time. I was sure people nearby wondered if I was crazy. Of course, I cried instead. And Kyle said, “Mom please, it’s okay I’m so happy.” I told him I knew he was. Or he’d say, “Mom, I won’t come back to say ‘HI’ again.”

    Then I’d say, “Okay..Okay.. but I am grieving like a normal mom.”  Am I not going to have that relationship with him anymore? Will I be able to see him, or feel his kiss on my head? I wondered. But I knew I had to be strong enough to release him. I did not want to be the one responsible in hindering his spiritual development

     Finally, I was ready and on Saturday I told Kyle it was okay to pass so that he could help me heal others, and that this was the next step for his spiritual journey. (I’m not sure where that came from, but that was what came out of my mouth.) I told him we’d still be able to talk, that I will never again close my channels off to others.( In fact some of my family members have now returned to talk to me when I’m open to it. )I also reminded Kyle that he could probably help Steve more if he crossed to the other side but that Steve could choose not to listen just like he (Kyle) refused to listen to us on many occasions. We each have our own paths…

    Sunday, Alan and I went on a walk to Eagle Rock in Topanga State Park with two other friends. I could feel that Kyle wasn’t around me. I kept calling out his name in my head.  I felt so empty. Finally, when he spoke I could feel that the energy was different, it was far away. Out of desperation, I would call him in, but he didn’t come in. I really had to slow my breathing down to feel his presence. I arrived home in major depression, cascades of tears rolled down my face. Monday, I kept denying he had left this earth. I taught all day and fought back the tears. I didn’t even wear make-up because I knew it would smear. My students had become used to some of those teary-eyed days. Always they behaved extremely well on those moody days.

   By Wednesday it hit me, he had crossed. I was happy for him and yet sad because I was used to having him close by babysitting me.  I wondered if Kyle crossed because I told him I’d be ok and that we would still be able to communicate. I don’t think so. Kyle told me that Sat. night, his friend Steve had texted a very inappropriate comment to me after I had told him I was taking a psychic workshop. I think Kyle got really disgusted with Steve and realized there is not much he can do for him. I asked Kyle what happened and all he said is, “Steve is so stupid sometimes.” He didn’t go into any detail. But I learned a few days later that it wasn’t Steve that was keeping Kyle earthbound.

    I was a mess. I missed Kyle horribly and loved that when I would delve into deep depression or swim through the sludge of guilt, he would show up and do something funny or give me a little lecture about forgiveness. I really really missed having him near.  A few days after he had crossed, I walked outside. His semi- transparent body was sitting outside at the patio table, smiling. “Hi, mom.”

    Yes, I cried like a frickin’ little baby.  I knew he returned because he realized I wasn’t ready to let him go quite yet. Yes, I felt terribly selfish, but I wasn’t strong enough to move forward like I had thought.  It took me two more times to release him and they are amazing stories in their own right, so I guess you’ll have to wait for those stories.