36 - Two Quick Techniques for Adults and Children to Release Hurts or to Regain Control once they become Upset

 

Teaching your child to stop
reacting and return to 
the present...what a gift

      I sat in the brightly lit room soaking up the warmth reminding myself that I wanted to improve my memory during this session with Elizabeth, my trauma therapist.  She asked me if I had had memory problems before Kyle (our son) passed away. I shared that I would work for hours trying to memorize for tests, and my twin would sit down for half an hour, and he had all the material down.  Overall, our grade average was pretty close, but it really ticked me off that I had to work so much harder than him. Sometimes I would become depressed and felt stupid because it took so long to memorize anything. I’ve always struggled with short and long-term memory, but once Kyle started junior school and I began Menopause, I became even worse. I could barely remember my students’ names even though I had had some of them in my classes for three years.  My concentration was like a child’s, and I could barely remember what I had taught the day before. 

     Elizabeth asked me to describe my life growing up, so I explained that my father was in the Air Force. Therefore, our family moved around about every two years to a new state.  I remember being excited about moving but also frightened about making new friends. However, my biggest paranoia was in regards to attending a new school. Each school district had a different curriculum for each grade level, so I ended up with holes in my education. I would become so anxious when I learned a new concept that it was debilitating at times, and when taking tests, I would almost pass out, sweat, see stars and get dizzy because I had stopped breathing. 

     Tears fell like rain as I sat on my therapist's couch, breathing becoming irregular.  I whimpered, “My fifth-grade math teacher found out I didn’t know the alphabet, so she worked with me on it in front of the whole class till I learned it. I felt stupid. And my mom realized I didn’t know how to tell time, so she taught it to me. Looking back, I realized how these educational gaps must have made me apprehensive about learning.

     Elizabeth explained that I’ve been placed in numerous trauma situations since I was little, and since I had been going through stressful situations with Kyle, our son, I was stuck in trauma mode the majority of the time. She reminded me about Somatic Experiencing, which she has had worked with me in previous sessions. She inquired, “Where and what do you feel when you can’t remember something?”

     Right away, I felt my breathing stop. “My stomach is tightening up into a hard baseball, and my heart seems to be double beating. Whoa…it skipped a beat.”

     “Honor that feeling. Breathe and be aware of how you breathe. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel these feelings.”  I followed her instructions. “Take as long as you need. Find where it feels good in your body. Where is that?” She asked in a syrupy voice.

      “In my heart.”  I looked at my balled-up hand lying directly over my heart.

.Listen to your heart

     “Alright. Take some nice deep breaths and touch something. Rub your pants or tap the side of your leg lightly. This will help bring you back into your body. Connect where it feels bad to where it feels good. Take your time. Feel how more open you feel.”

     My heart was not happy.  But slowly, it settled down, and the beat became regular as I rubbed the side of the seams of my pants. Soon my body felt like ice cream on a hot day, running down a cone.  It was such a peaceful feeling.  I felt centered. My brain didn’t feel like it wanted to be somewhere else.

    “When you don’t remember something, it triggers a feeling of helplessness,” Elizabeth explained. When you panic, you can’t remember, can’t hear, and often aren’t aware of things around you. Give yourself permission to feel, and you’ll start remembering.”  I could feel this tranquility emanating from her body and wished I could steal it from her and take it home with me. She looked up from writing something in my file and smiled, “Imagine that you are a Redwood Tree or an Oak Tree with huge roots. Storms and many fires have occurred, and yet these trees survive, even when scorched or partially fall, becoming uprooted. These elements can’t destroy the core, yet they still hold onto the earth, refusing to be destroyed, and new branches grow. This visual symbolizes the new you.”

     Elizabeth also taught me an exercise to do when I notice I'm starting to get upset or depressed. It's from a technique called 'Brain Gym.' She had me stand up and hit my right elbow to my raised left knee, then my left elbow to my right knee. Then kick my right leg back, touch my right heel with my left hand, kick my left leg back, and touch it with my right hand. This exercise helps switch trauma from the right side of the brain (reaction/ emotional side) to the left side (logical side, trauma is over…I am now safe).

     I also found this useful site with some exercises that could help you or your child who might be dealing with trauma or learning issues. These Brain Gym exercises improve:  focus, relieves mental fatigue, increases comprehension, short-term memory, self-expression, organizational skills, and release emotional stress.

   

https://brutallyfrank.wordpress.com/2011/07/05/brain-gym-simple-exercises-for-a-better-mind-and-body/ 

35 - A Simple Act of Kindness Goes a Long Way.... Kids Learn How to Behave Based on Adult Behavior

     My English class was working in groups on an assignment. Again, I asked the students to return to their desks so we could correct the classwork. I struggled to get them quiet, and it wasn’t occurring quick enough for me, so I started calling out names. I don’t remember if I said something rude out of frustration to Jose or what, but he turned around in his seat, looked at me, and growled, “Fuck you!”

     Some students gasped, and others instantly eyed me, their mouths slightly gaping open, waiting to see what I would say or do. I froze for one second, grasping onto my literature book and staring at nothing on the page. Then I looked at Jose and asked, “Would you like to say that differently?”   The air expelled from the students around me as if I was inside a hot air balloon. The young man reworded his frustration, and we continued with the lesson.

   During that millie second of silence, I had thought, okay, I can either blow this out of proportion and send the kid to the dean and then a day later, he would return, mad at me and more than likely not do any work the rest of the semester. Or I could accept that, like all of us, we sometimes react without thinking., or something happened at home which placed him in an aggressive mood. Finally, I realized that I could not take his remark personally.

     My father had worked for the Air Force and not to sound cliché, but he was tough. My siblings swore that he drank four pots of coffee because he was highly edgy when he returned home from work. He’d lose his temper about the stupidest things, and sailor-like words spewed from his mouth. Sad to say, I learned some of his habits. So as a teacher, sometimes I would get mad in the classroom, and a cuss word would sneak out. I really worked on getting rid of that bad habit, and most o,f the time, I was pretty good, excluding ‘hell week,’ which is the week right before a play opens. To be a theatre teacher and handle all the different elements of producing a show was extremely stressful. Thank God I had some reliable, mature students. But, of course, drinking two cups of coffee the week before the show opened didn’t help me stay calm either.

     So, you see, I, too, was guilty of losing my cool, so how could I condemn this young man? This time I didn’t talk to the student after class about the incident like usual. It didn’t seem like I needed to. He knew what he had done wrong. But I say that I gained respect for a kid that rarely showed any. Suddenly Jose asked if he could help collect papers or pass them out, and he quieted the class down. I never knew such a simple act of kindness would solicit an ally.

34 - Helping our Children Too Much Can Cause Some Problems

   As parents and caregivers, we worry about our children so much that we succumb to this fear.  It controls us and turns us into overprotective individuals who too quickly give advice or help our child with homework and life decisions.  Because of this fear, we find it difficult to focus and often forget to follow through on things due to us not staying mentally present.  Our children feel this unnamed fear and mistake it as if we are not happy with them, so they feel unloved or stupid. 

Don't be too helpful.  

      My brother Alex had learning problems. Consequently, he had great difficulty in school, which of course, led to low self-esteem.  My father worried about him often, and sometimes that concern turned into negative behavior and judgments.  He expected my brother to be like his other children. As an adult, Alex struggled to hold onto jobs and experienced huge bouts of depression, and to self-medicate, he drank. I’m sure it was difficult to see his brothers and sisters succeed seemingly without difficulty. My brothers and I became too busy putting ourselves through school and working, then later raising the young families that we weren't there to help my brother during his most difficult times. I felt guilty for a long, long time, and I swore when I had children, I’d be there for them. The problem was that I was helping them too much.

    When Kyle entered kindergarten, he would cry the instant he didn’t understand his homework.  Where did he learn that he had to understand something instantaneously? Did he learn it from his father, who expected that of him? Or was it genetics because Alan and I expected ourselves to learn new concepts quickly?

    Kyle did okay in kindergarten because there was a lot of moving around. However, his great difficulty was the alphabet because he had learned it phonetically in the Montessori. Now he was expected to learn the letters in a new way and learn them in order.  Since there were so many kids in the class that hadn't gone to preschool, there was a lot of repeat information, which he found boring. However, I think it helped him to relearn some of the basics. Besides wiggling a lot and making noises, he did fine that year.

   I had issues with learning the alphabet in order, but I chalked it up to moving

 around so much because my father was in the Air Force that I had missed learning the entire alphabet and telling time.  (Sometimes, we moved in the middle of the semester. I had learned the alphabet in a math class in sixth grade after my teacher learned that I didn't know it in order, and my mother taught me how to tell time. I figured Kyle's difficulties just came from me.

    

                             The important lesson is to teach how to be an independent learner.

      However, within a few weeks of first grade, Kyle’s teacher called to share that he couldn’t stay still, had great difficulty concentrating, oftentimes made noises, and sometimes out of frustration, would throw himself on the floor and bang his head. I was shocked. What was going on?  

     After the call, I asked Kyle to come downstairs, and we sat on the couch in the kitchen. "Hey,  what's going on? Your teacher said you're having problems concentrating at school."  I listed a few of the things she had mentioned. His little face screwed up like a dried piece of fruit, and he broke down crying, telling me he didn’t know what to concentrate on. He heard the foot noises, the teacher’s voices in the nearby rooms, the birds outside, the sounds of paper, etc. 

   My stomach flipped a couple times as if on a grill, so I shared that was exactly my frustration throughout elementary school and junior high.  But I explained that I worked super hard to concentrate just on the teacher's voice, looking at her and cutting out the rest of the noises. 

    Huge alligator tears ran down his face. He replied through sniffles,  "I've tried, mommy. I don't think I can do that."  But I encouraged him to work at it. The following day, I called the school and asked the teacher to move him near the front to help him focus, and the teacher also agreed to set him up on a daily progress report.  I then started him on a behavior calendar. If he had mostly smiley faces, he could choose a movie to watch on the weekend.  I wondered if it was possible Kyle could be A.D.D. I was familiar with some of the symptoms because I had a few students with that issue. (Just a smidgeon of a feeling seeped in that I was also A.D.D..)  However, Alan told me I was worrying about nothing. He was just a typical boy. 

    

     I swore that I would be there for my son so he didn’t have to struggle like my brother, Alex, or myself.  Years later, I still remember Alex being placed in a special class and kids calling him a retard. I was so afraid that would happen to my son. I didn’t want Kyle to feel like he was a failure, so I helped him too much instead of allowing him more time to figure out the issue independently, which would have given him confidence.  Yes, sometimes I suggested he work on an easier assignment or offer different ways to look at the problem.  But he quickly learned all he had to do was whine, cry, or throw a tantrum and my sensitive heart would feel sorry for him. I’d be by his side, soothing him, helping him. When he would start calling himself dumb, I would rattle off all the things he was good at, but that didn’t seem to help. Alan swore that Kyle had learned to control me, but I was sure a little boy would never do that (Years later, a few of his friends told me that Kyle used to bang his head on the floor so he could be sent out of class when he didn’t want to do something.  So I guess I was mistaken that young children weren't smart enough to control their teachers and mother.)

     Sometimes I would have him take a few deep breaths to slow that little heart rate down or let him take little breaks between assignments. I also learned from a Special Ed. teacher that A.D.D. kids become overwhelmed by looking at the whole piece of paper, so I would cover up the top of the page and the bottom of the page with another sheet of paper. This way, he looked at only one spelling word or only that one math problem at a time.  Also, I learned from a Special Ed. teacher that boys' eyes develop slower, so they sometimes have difficulty reading, something about the glare. She gave me sheets of colored film and WoW! Boy, that helped him read.  The film could be red or green, or yellow.

      Finally, after repeating kindergarten like me and starting 1st grade for the second time with even more frustration, the teacher suggested I have him tested for learning problems and A.D.D.  Kyle was identified with Attention Deficit Disorder and Auditory Processing Disorder, meaning he hears what is said. Still, then he's processing what is said before the speaker gets to the end of the sentence, so he ends up missing part of the information. He also was diagnosed with long-term and short-term memory problems and had difficulty placing things in order. I recognized these problems as my issues, especially when I was a kid.

   But alas, what I had done was unconsciously teach Kyle that he wasn’t smart because I was quickly by his side to help, saving him, feeling sorry for him. Of course, I didn’t mean to, but that’s what occurred. As he became older, I was more willing to sit back and help him less, and by 9^th grade, he was amazingly independent.  Researchers write that because many middle-class and upper-class parents are educated, we sometimes pressure our kids to be 'A' students, but we also help them too much. (We never asked for A or B grades, we asked for Nicole and Kyle to do their best.) We must let children struggle and trust that they’ll figure the assignment out. That doesn’t mean you can’t help. It just means give your child time, or as I had found sometimes, it was helpful if I explained the directions differently. And helping, by the way, does not mean doing the work for them.

Helpful sites for helping your child become an independent learner:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/knowmore-tv/5-tips-for-raising-an-independent-learner_b_5341033.html

https://www.understood.org/en/school-learning/learning-at-home/homework-study-skills/at-a-glance-5-ways-to-help-tweens-and-teens-be-independent-learners

33 - I Love Working with my Angel Cards when I'm a Bit Down. Here's a Quick Fix for Anyone.

I love using my angel cards for guidance. 

   Picking a card once a week or once a month feels like I have an angel who is helping me with some of the problematic areas of my life. I'm always surprised that the message often relates to something I'm presently working on or an issue that's been hounding me. This technique has nothing to do with religion, but it does have to do with spiritual guidance. You do not have to be intuitive because you aren't doing magical readings for anyone. (I wish I had learned much of this healing and fun stuff when my kids were young. They would have loved it. My students often came in during lunch to get a reading.)  

   You don't have to pick the specific angel cards that I did. If you are choosing a card for yourself, lay the cards on a table and spread them out. Choose the cards that call out to you. You'll feel in your gut that it's the right one for you, or you might feel a light vibration from a card. I read a few pages from the booklet to see if the advice rings true regarding any issues you might have. Also, some material in the booklets is written so esoteric that it's difficult to understand, so researching your angel on different sites I found very helpful.

    Often, children feel alone even when they have family and friends, but when you introduce them to angels, and there are many, they will realize they're never alone. Angels come in to guide us.  I wrap my cards in a satin remnant and then place them in the box when not using them. 

Simple directions on how to use the cards. (I like to set the card near my bed for the day or a couple weeks.)

1. When you buy a deck of cards, once you arrive home, scoop the energy off them because they've been handled by others. Then hold them for a while so the cards can soak up your energy, or place them in a sock and then put them under your pillow for one night. 

2. If working with a client, ask him/her to hold the cards for a few minutes so their energy will be on them for your reading. If you're working long distance with a client,  feel the client's energy on the cards. In your head, before you shuffle the cards, say, "This top card will be the angel that  my client needs for the best healing possible for these next few weeks." Or have them ask a question that they'd like to know. Once ready, shuffle the cards or have the client shuffle them. If a card falls out while shuffling, place it face-up on the table, as that is the angel that the client is being introduced to. If a card doesn't fall out, spread the cards on the table and pass your hand over the cards to feel if you feel any energy coming from a card. Turn it over

3. Look up the angel's name from the card in the booklet. Read. Sometimes, I also look up the name online to get further info. if I'm reading for myself.

4. If I'm the only one pulling the card, I set it somewhere I can see it every day to remind me that angel is there to help me. I sometimes write the angel's name down to ask for guidance in my prayers at night. If I'm reading for an individual, I scoop off the previous person's energy from the deck. I also try to remember to thank that specific angel for me my guide for the next week.

     It's amazing how often I pick cards based on issues that I'm experiencing or based on the goals I'm working on that week. This will force your kids, even elementary kids, to think of a goal or feel like they have support when they're having some difficulties in life. Believe it or not, Alan, my husband, has even pulled a couple of cards. I know it shocked me too.

Here's an example of a full layout:

     I decided to try the traditional layout to show you how right-on the cards can be. (I'm not going to type up what the book says about each card, but I will give a quick explanation of how the cards relate to me.)

My request for that day was: Please guide me to choose the best stories for my memoir.

The first card was placed on the left:  This card reviews the past.

Those of you who don't know me, we lost our son to a heroin overdose and haven't had a relationship with our daughter for 11 years.

The second card was placed on the right of the first card – This card deals with the present.

Remember, I asked for guidance on choosing the best stories for my memoir. Is this not crazy?

3^rd card was placed on the right of the middle card -  This card deals with the future.

This card seems to relate more to my present, but I understood the card better when I read the booklet. In other words, even though I think I don't know what stories to put in and I'm frustrated with how uncreative I write, I will improve as I organize, don't worry, and just write. Does that make sense?

Have fun! I don't read my cards every day or every week. But sometimes, when I feel a bit lost, I choose one angel card to help me get me back on track. Then that week, I'll pray, asking that specific angel to guide me with my present issue.  

If you want a free angel reading, just e-mail me, and I'd love to do one for you. I also read animal cards. Now that I'm not teaching, I don't want to fall out of practice. Give me your first and last name, and I will focus on your energy. If you want specific guidance in an area, just focus on the issue, or you can send it in an e-mail. But please give me a few days to read your card because I am a busy girl working on my books, blogging, gardening, and exercising. I will e-mail you with my findings.

tbboivin8@gmail.com

32 - Do You Keep Reacting to Something A Friend or Partner has Said to You or Done to You? Do you Continue to Hang onto a Loved One?

Do you react to what someone has said or feel like your energy was sucked out of you by a vampire?

    When we interact with someone, we exchange energy, and surprisingly even after we physically separate from that individual, energetic and emotional ties, or attachment cords,  still remain. This energy between two people causes patterns from the past to constantly be re-lived. We can be connected to someone who loves us far away, a person from our past, a family member, a friend,  or someone who is no longer living. Signs of attachment: you might notice that you’ve picked up on your partner’s happiness, anger or you feel drained as if a vampire sucked up your energy. Also, if you are still talking constantly to a person who has died, that is very unhealthy for both of you. Yes, it's okay to do it every once in a while, but not every day.
   Cutting ties is helpful to clear past experiences, beliefs, resentments, and judgments, etc. This allows us to remove old patterns and prevent reliving dramas with those that we love, and stop us from emotionally getting pulled into their crap in which we have no control of. (Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?)

   It’s important to recognize the difference between healthy ties and destructive ones. In these relationships, it’s only normal that at times we might feel judged, hurt, resentment, fear, anger, or misunderstanding.  Also, when you worry about an individual or unconsciously try to protect someone you love, cords unknowingly form through the need to control the situation. If we don’t take care of these negative patterns in our relationships, they repeat themselves and sometimes become worse. 

  Cutting ties does not sever the relationship (unless that’s your purpose); instead, it returns the relationship to a healthy path. By cutting ties with these negative energies, we allow space for new, more harmonious energies to enter our relationships. The effects may be felt physically, energetically, or emotionally. When you cut energetic ties, you will feel a sense of being free or of having a heavy burden removed.

   After my daughter left to live her own life, I realized that guilt and worrying about her had kept me stuck and depressed.  After I cut the ties, I felt a sense of freedom. Of course, there was a flood of tears for a few days, but  I hoped that it would permit her to feel free and for both of us to step into our own individual power. After a few days, my heartfelt lighter and my worry for her had disappeared.  It was such a beautiful feeling to have. I thought I had emotionally let her go so she could live her own life.

Who/what to cut ties with:
 

1.  When you end a relationship. 
2.  When someone you love passes away, and you won't let the loved one go. This is extremely unhealthy for you.

3.  When you want to change old patterns or ways of interacting with someone.

4.   If you are ready to make a change in your life but are having difficulty doing so. First, identify the old thoughts, beliefs, or judgments that are holding you back, then cut those old traits (cords) from you.
5.  When you are holding on to past negative experiences.

It's easier than you think.

Steps for cutting ties:

1.  Sit in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and take a few nice deep breaths to help you relax.

2.  Identify what type of connection you have with this individual. Is the relationship based on fear, 
need for security, acceptance, or love? 

3.  Visualize the person with whom you wish to cut an energetic tie. (Or see the incident that traumatized you.)See and feel the cord(s) that exist between the two of you/or the incident. Take your time.  Some people see the cord(s) as ropes, chains, or beautiful bright light. These cords could be thin or thick, depending on your attachment. Even if you are just cutting ‘fear’ or 'jealousy' from the relationship/or incident, still acknowledge why you would react and how it had changed you or the other person. 

4.  If you are cutting a person from your life, acknowledge all the good things you’ve learned from that individual and how their behavior made you a stronger person. Be aware that the person who has been cut may feel a sense of loss and try to reach out to you. If you wish to not reconnect with this person, allow adequate time to adjust before you see him/her again. Because of guilt, or maybe you feel that your ex still needs you, you will be tied to him/her in an unhealthy manner which does not allow either of you to move forward.

5.  Visualize cutting or severing these cords with a massive sword or a pair of scissors, or a machete. Anything is perfect.  Some cords may be more solid than others and will take more energy and stronger tools to cut. It might take a few days of cutting this cord. I  promise it will get smaller.

6. Listen to your gut. It might tell you that you are finished, or it might ask you to send love to the severed cord or to place a peace sign over it, or quartz. You may feel that you need to take additional steps to feel this exercise is complete. Use whatever visualization or techniques to give you a sense that the cutting is complete. You may find it helpful to visualize a brick wall or a mountain between the two of you if you actually separate from this person. Again trust your instincts.

7.   If you become emotional about cutting a tie and are afraid to do it, ask yourself why. Maybe your wife constantly pulls you into her emotional dramas, and then you have to be the one who soothes her. But now you have gotten to a place where you've had it; you're just tired of the drama and exhausted from all the energy you've spent on trying to mellow her out.  - Ask yourself why you are so emotional/afraid to cut this specific tie. That inner voice might tell you because you need to feel needed. Then ask yourself, when did I not feel needed and loved? Yes, usually it goes back to a parent who wasn't mentally or physically there for you no matter how hard you tried to be the perfect child.  Remind yourself that that situation doesn't exist anymore. You are an adult now. You need to cut that feeling of not being loved or wanted by you parent first.  Wait a few days and then cut that need to soothe and fix your spouse.

8.  Yes, you can cut traits you don't like from yourself, but you can't try to fix someone else. When I tried to cut a judgment cord to Alan, my husband, I closed my eyes and saw a huge cord between  Alan and me. It was black with a gold chain wrapped around it. ( I thought that was weird, but okay…) I held a humongous pair of gold scissors with beautiful engraving on the sides. I could see myself chopping the cord, but no matter how hard I tried, it only went through ¼ of it. I tried again, but nothing more happened. I waited the following day and repeated my wish to not react to his comments, and then I added, “I know this is an old karmic issue between us, but I’m now ready to let it go.” (That just popped into my head to say, so I trusted myself.) Again, I struggled to chop the rope, and finally, it chopped into. I told myself that this separation from judgment is good for both of us and that I still love him very much, but I’m tired of reacting to his garbage and then judging him. I felt more at peace and in control of my life once I cut this tie. Wow!  What a joy it has been not to react to your partner's crap! And yes, I've still had o do it a few more times.

 Do not allow yourself to fall back into old habits, or you will reconnect with that individual, and you will need to cut the cords again. 

steps for cutting ties:

THIS BELOW CLEANED UP A BIT - REWORKED CHECK IT

1.  Sit in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and take a few nice deep breaths to help you relax.

2.  Identify what type of connection you have with the individual you want to cut ties with. Is the relationship based on fear,  the need to care for someone, security, acceptance, or love? 

3.  Visualize the person with whom you wish to cut an energetic tie. See and feel the cord(s) that exist between the two of you. (I see the cord kind of like an umbilical cord coming from my belly button to the individual that I'm trying to cut ties with). Take your time.  Some people see the cord(s) as ropes, chains, or beautiful bright light. These cords could be thin or thick, depending on your attachment. Even if you are just cutting ‘fear’ or 'jealousy' from the relationship/or incident, still acknowledge why you reacted and how it changed you or the other person. 

4. Remind the individual that you still love them, but you worry about them too much, and this is not healthy for either of you. Visualize cutting or severing these cords with a massive sword, a pair of scissors, or a machete. Anything is perfect. Some cords may be more solid than others and will take more energy and stronger tools to cut. Cutting this cord might take a few days, but I  promise it will get smaller.

5. Listen to your gut. It might tell you that you are finished or ask you to send love to the severed cord or place a peace sign over it or a quartz. You may feel that you need to take additional steps to feel this exercise is complete. Use whatever visualization or techniques to give you a sense that the cutting is complete. 

6.   If you become emotional about cutting a tie and are afraid to do it, ask yourself why. Maybe your wife constantly pulls you into her emotional dramas, and then you have to be the one who soothes her. But now you have gotten to a place where you've had it; you're just tired of the drama and exhausted from all the energy you've spent on trying to mellow her out.  - Ask yourself why you are so emotional/afraid to cut this specific tie. That inner voice might tell you that you need to feel needed. Then ask yourself, when did I not feel needed and loved? Yes, usually, it goes back to a parent who wasn't mentally or physically there for you, no matter how hard you tried to be the perfect child.  Remind yourself that that situation doesn't exist anymore. You are an adult now. You need to cut that feeling of not being loved or wanted by your parents first.  Wait a few days and then cut that need to soothe and fix your spouse.

7.  Yes, you can cut traits you don't like about yourself, but you can't try to fix someone else. When I tried to cut a judgment cord to Alan, my husband, I closed my eyes and saw a huge cord between  Alan and me. It was black with a gold chain wrapped around it. ( I thought that was weird, but okay…) I held a humongous pair of gold scissors with beautiful engraving on the sides. I could see myself chopping the cord, but no matter how hard I tried, it only went through ¼ of it. I tried again, but nothing more happened. I waited the following day and repeated my wish not to react to his comments, and then I added, “I know this is an old karmic issue between us, but I’m now ready to let it go.” (That just popped into my head to say, so I trusted myself.) Again, I struggled to chop the rope, and finally, it was chopped into. I told myself that this separation from judgment is good for both of us and that I still love him very much, but I’m tired of reacting to his garbage and then judging him. I felt more at peace and in control of my life once I cut this tie. Wow!  What a joy it has been not to react to your partner's crap! And yes, I've still had to do it a few more times.

 Do not allow yourself to fall back into old habits. like worrying for someone; otherwise, you will reconnect with that individual and need to cut the cords again.  Remember, you cannot worry about your grandchild, husband, or sister, as their life path is their path.

Okay, I finally kept my promise.  Sorry it took so long.

Good LUCK!  Any questions, just ask me and I’ll help.   tbboivin8@gmail.com

31 - Even Ghosts can Help you Heal.

      Tons of sizzling molten guilt of what-ifs and should-haves resurfaced for the billionth time as I walked down the hallway in the Foreign Language Department building at Canoga Park High School.  Then boing, all of a sudden, Kyle, our dead son, appeared floating in midair, stretched out sideways about five inches over three students’ heads. Cupped in his right palm, his chin rested, and his ankles were crossed. A smirk shone on his young face as he stared down at me.  His jeans and blue T-shirt, as well as his entire body, were semi-transparent. Even with all the students in the hallway passing to their next class, I could still see through him the top of the lockers and the open double doors at the end of the hallway. Seeing my son should have made me laugh, but instead, tears rolled down my face. Quickly, I wiped them off, not wanting the students to see them.

    Kyle pleaded, “Mom, please stop crying. I’m all right. I’m right here.” 

    “I know you are, but you have to give me some time to heal; it’s only been six months since you passed away.” I felt a soft peck on my head and knew I had just been kissed by my son. I sniffled the sadness away, wondering how many students noticed my tears.  Even though Kyle was physically gone from this earth plane, he spiritually was still with me.  “Ha!  You’re now stuck with me every day of your life,” I teased. 

     He cried out, “Noooo… you  gotta give me time to see the girls.”  We both laughed.  That remark was typical of Kyle. 

     I responded, “Yea, that’s all you can do now; just look.” 

     There was a speck of silence. “That’s okay with me. I’m so happy now.”  

     I knew, too, he was finally content.  He always struggled to be what he thought his dad and society expected him to be.  Blurry shadows of students passed me in the hall. Some said, “Hi!” I mumbled something back, still in a trance.  Then I felt this empty feeling.  Kyle wasn’t around anymore. I sighed, still struggling, questioning, is this me missing my son so much that again I was hallucinating that I saw him or thought he was talking to me? Or was this real?  I rarely told Alan about these conversations or visions anymore; sure, he thought it was a part of my grieving, therefore, making it all up.

Kyle would do almost anything just to make his friends laugh.

 And his sense of humor didn't change even after he passed.

     Kyle popped in a lot the first two years after he passed away, and then as I became emotionally stronger, he visited less.  I learned a few techniques that taught me how to cut my ties with him to be where he needed to be. I did not want to be the one who kept him on this earth plane, which wasn't healthy for either of us. Yes, of course, we still talk, but not as much, and I don’t see his physical form anymore because we have our own lives.