“Open your eyes slowly,” the shaman uttered softly.
This peaceful world cradled me, chanting for me to stay. There were no demands here: no one asking me what’s for dinner, how I was doing, or me worrying about what lesson I was going to teach the next day. No glued-on smile, pretending I was okay. Here in this serene world, I could hide from my pain. But I knew I had to face another day. whether I wanted t or not. After a few seconds, I slid my eye mask off and willed myself to open my eyes. The dim rays of sunlight shot through the high windows which felt like spotlights. I blinked a few times, trying to get used to the light.
My petite shaman shared a few things that I can't remember because I was still in a daze, except I remember she told me that she lent me her horse so I should journey with it to help me heal. And then with a serious face, she said, "Tina, you need to release son’s soul."
Something grabbed my intestines and yanked them up tightly. At a Reiki workshop, a month earlier, Rosemary, the teacher, had told me I had to release all of Kyle’s soul, so he could advance, and if I didn’t, I could become extremely ill. I thought I had released him, but I guess my guilt and depression pulled my son back in, thinking he could help me.
Something grabbed my intestines and yanked them up tightly. At a Reiki workshop, a month earlier, Rosemary, the teacher, had told me I had to release all of Kyle’s soul, so he could advance, and if I didn’t, I could become extremely ill. I thought I had released him, but I guess my guilt and depression pulled my son back in, thinking he could help me.
While the Shaman continued to explain the various things that I needed to do so I could heal, Kyle chattered away in my head, “Mom, you know you have to let me go.”
With Amanda's voice in the background, I responded to him, "I know, but you have to know I’ll be all right. I can take care of myself, honestly. I'm doing much better. These next few days, we’re going to work on letting each other go."
"But I don’t want to… I want to make sure you’re not going to grieve anymore," he quietly said, in a sad voice. I could feel his confusion in his voice. Maybe like me, he was afraid once his spirit totally passed to the other side, the heavens, he wouldn't be able to talk to me.
I reminded him that I’m grieving less and less each month. After a few seconds of silence, he said, "I'm happy that your relationship with dad has become stronger." There was another pause. "I have to go soon."
My heart skipped a couple of beats as I wasn’t sure what that meant. Maybe the dolphins were calling him…. (another healing I had done with this Shaman trying to get Kyle to let go of this earthly plane and of me) Or was he going to disappear, and I'd never be able to talk to him again? I expelled the air I had captured in my lungs. Cut it out, Tina, I said to myself. Stop thinking about what you want. This will be healthier for both of us. I have to trust that Amanda and Rosemary know what they're talking about, that Kyle and I still can communicate with each other. “We’ll do our ceremony on Sunday. Okay? It’s time for both of us to totally let go.”
“I love you so much, mom.” For the first time, I could actually feel the emotion in his voice; he was almost in tears. Many times during his drug days, he would say that line, and it sounded empty or it felt as if he was saying it to make me think that he was alright.
“I know. I love you too.” I whispered. I paid the Shaman and thanked her, still unclear about what she had suggested that I do because Kyle and I had been talking. I got into my car and started driving home.
Kyle fought schizophrenia and Bi-polar II, by taking codeine and later, heroin which took his life
“Mom?"
"Yea."
"I love dad too. I now know why he was tough on me. He was trying to guide me to make the right decisions, and think of the consequences. He was so scared for me. I can really feel and understand that now. I wish I could have understood it then.” Again his emotions were so strong as if he really did, for the first time, comprehend what his father must have felt raising him. I wondered why he could understand his father's fear now.
“I wish you could also have, but maybe you weren’t supposed to learn that yet,” I sadly stated. “I’ll tell him what you said, Okay?
“Thanks. Remember, I’m still here for you, just like all your other relatives who you’re now talking to you. You won’t forget?”
“I won’t ever forget, ever.” (I had spoken to my brother, Alex after he passed away for over a year, and then I had stopped because I had thought that I had missed him so much that I was making up our conversations.)
Unconsciously, I realized I was holding on to a part of him in fear that I was going to lose communication with him. It took me about a week until I felt I was strong enough to tell him it was okay for his spirit to go to the other side. I decided the ceremony would occur on June 12th, the day before our daughter's birthday.
I stood outside in our garden and looked up at the sky. Yes, I cried a little bit, and my body shook as I said, "I totally release you, Kyle Boivin, to the heavens where you belong." I was still petrified that we weren't going to be able to communicate once he passed to the other side, but I knew I had to let him go because I didn’t want to be responsible for holding him back in his development. There are so many ways of releasing a soul.
I learned that our son is always with me when I need to talk to him. Yes, it's a little more difficult to reach him and now he sounds far away. But I also learned as the years marched on, we have less and less to talk about because our lives are very different. Yes, he still gives me an occasional lecture, or I feel his energy pop in, but it wasn't like it used to be the first seven years, and that's okay.
Blog 32 and blog 43 explain specific ways of releasing a loved one or a spirit that you are extremely attached to or worried about.
