What does a healthy relationship look like? Sometimes it’s difficult to know when all too often you’ve heard your parents yelling or saw one of them throwing something at the other or in total contrast, barely talking to each other. How can many of us know what a healthy relationship looks like when we grew up in a dysfunctional family?
A solid relationship should feel good; it should not make you feel anxious or stressed. Yes, we’re only human, and sometimes we bump heads, but you should feel comfortable in your relationship the majority of the time. Remember, if we didn’t knock heads every once in a while, we wouldn’t learn how to compromise, or try something new or learn how to forgive.
Your friend, A.K.A., lover, is the person who should support you, listen to you when you’re upset and help you with the challenges you’re facing. A partner in a healthy relationship accepts and loves you for the person you are today, lifts you up when you need it and reminds you how awesome you are when you’re down. But being in a healthy relationship also means respecting each other’s differences and compromising when there’s a disagreement.
I think one of the hardest things for me to learn was to compromise. I honestly don’t know where I got my stubborn streak. But I wonder if it was from my father. I don’t think he had heard of the word until his fifties.
It’s a balancing act to not feel like you are constantly giving in to accommodate your partner’s desires, but here are some things I learned from our 38 years of marriage: compromise….compromise…compromise.
1. Alan and I rarely agree with the choice of furniture, pictures, or the dishes we want in the house. Compromise. One year you choose the sofa, and 8 years later your spouse chooses. Alan has learned that it's okay not to love a picture I wanted for a wall in the bedroom because he chose an oil painting over the fireplace which I didn't particularly like.
2. The toilet paper roll… How many of you fight about that one? That was the hot argument when we first moved in together. Alan would always get after me for having the paper rip from the bottom. I’d sometimes yell, “Who cares as long as you can rip off the frickin’ paper?” That was and still is my thought on this issue. But, a good rule – If you’re the one replacing the toilet roll, it’s placed on the way you want it. And when your loved one replaces the roll, he can replace it the wrong way…oops, I mean his way. Good rule, huh?
Or maybe your spouse is complaining about the route you’re taking to the movie theatre. Remind her, next time she can drive there her favorite way.
3. Negotiate and meet in the middle if possible. Alan likes the temperature freezing when he is about to go to sleep, so, therefore, three hours before my nightie-night, I am forced to wear a wrap. He would have it even colder, but we’ve agreed upon a number. Another common compromise is because he’s a musician besides being an architect is that he loves those big loud parties, but they’re not my favorite. It’s too much energy and sensory overload for me, so we never stay long enough for him, but he understands when I tell him I need to go.
4. Maybe there’s sometimes where you could try something your partner wants for a week or two and then see how it works. Obviously, if the new way causes discomfort, go back to the old way. Examples: Maybe your partner read a psychology magazine about a particular way of disciplining the kids, and you’re willing to try it because the old way just isn’t working very well. Or it could be about changing the way you make love, as it has become routine. And the list goes on.
5. We almost always argue about where to sit in open seating at a concert. Somehow, I seem to always lose. Alan wants to sit in the first two rows. He says it’s because of his hearing. I understand he wants to see the musicians playing their guitars. (He’s a musician.) I, on the other hand, like to sit almost halfway back. (I used to be a theatre teacher; therefore I love to see the full picture.) Compromise. One time I choose where we sit and the next time, he does. Sounds a bit fairer, don’t’ you think?
6. Libido – we each have our own rhythms and drive. You have to compromise. You don’t want to one day wake up to an empty bed. Intimacy usually is an important part of a relationship, but if you don’t feel 100% comfortable with something, be honest. A healthy couple checks in with each other when something might be new. Remember, people who love you don’t pressure you or shame you for not doing what they want.
7. Good partners understand that they are a part of your life – not your entire life. Your partner should encourage you to go out with friends or take that healing class. Giving each other space is how you grow as a person and as a couple because it gives you more things to discuss. If your partner wants to go to Europe with her high school girlfriends, don’t complain. You should never have to give up your friends or family to have a relationship.
8. Figure out if you’re going to have a couple’s checking account or separate ones. I have friends that have a checking account together and individually. I insisted on separate ones because my father and mom used to argue like crazy sometimes about how my dad spent the money.
Alan figured out how much more he makes monthly than I did, so I pay a third of the mortgage and we split everything else in half. There’s a huge difference in income when you have an architect income and a teacher’s check.
9. It’s not okay when someone dictates how you should dress, whether they blatantly tell you that you don’t look good in that dress or if they try to shame you or make passive aggressive comments like avoiding you. Yes, you can compromise and sometimes wear ‘his’ favorite dress, but when you’re always doing it, you’re losing a part of yourself.
Make sure that you and your partner feel comfortable with any compromise. If you don’t feel good about a previous agreement, discuss the subject again. No matter how perfect we think our relationship is, there’s going to be disagreements sometimes. The skill of compromise is a valuable tool to learn in a relationship if you plan on surviving or your relationship will disintegrate, and you will be unhappy and feel alone.
When a compromise is agreed upon, both of you should feel satisfied. If one of you feels like you’re always being taken advantage of, or if you’re giving in to keep the peace, then ultimately anger and resentment are going to surface. If you feel like this, it’s time to go to a Marriage Counselor. If your partner refuses, go alone, it might help. You have to decide if you're happy in this relationship and feel respected, if you’re not, it’s possibly time to move on.
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