67 - If you notice a cold shoulder from a friend or a spouse

    When I was a kid, and I’d receive the cold shoulder, like many kids, I’d walk around feeling hurt.  Imagined reasons would float around in my head, making me feel even more insecure.  Unconfident, I was unable to ask the individual why she or he was ignoring me.

   As an adult, I wasn’t much better. A co-worker would give me this bizarre look which made me feel extremely uncomfortable when I passed by her in the hallway. It happened a few times, so I was sure I didn't imagine it.  And then one day, (I was in my mid-fifties) I decided to stop being that scared little girl. When I saw my co-worker after school, I walked right up to her and said, “I don’t know what’s going on, have I said something to make you upset because every time I walk by you, you give me this strange look?” 

   Her eyes widened in surprise and shared that she’s been preoccupied with work so she couldn’t slow herself down to say, “Hi!.” She was very embarrassed and apologized.  We laughed and talked about work for a little while. After that, she was very conscientious in saying, “Hi!” whenever she saw me. I was very proud of myself.

   If you notice a cold shoulder from a friend, an acquaintance, or a family member, take the initiative, ask if you said or did something wrong.  Some of my friends have said, “Naw, it’s okay. I don’t care if they’re mad at me.”

   But then I’m honest, I reply, “Then you wouldn’t have mentioned anything to me if it wasn’t bothering you.”

   Things don’t always return the way they were if you decide to play the waiting game.  You walk around wondering when the individual is going to get the nerve to say, “I’m pissed at you.”   

    And if you’re the person who’s steaming, talk to the individual who made you mad. The longer you wait, the pot will boileth over.  Be honest. Tell her what you heard or saw that made you upset. No judging. Then forgive. Forget. Move on.  
 
       Get the guts and talk

Some guidelines to help your children and you :       

    If you notice your child is upset, ask him what’s going on. Sometimes it could be that he's getting the cold shoulder from a friend because his calls keep going to voicemail, his messages and texts ignored. This is just as painful as someone not talking to them in person.

1.   Playback in your head the previous day. Maybe you said something hurtful or said something that your friend might have misinterpreted.  Is an apology in order?

2.   Encourage yourself to talk to the individual. If you don’t, you’ll worry more about all the things that could have happened, and that will make him/her even more upset.

3.  Don’t take the unreturned text or call personally.  Usually, the behavior has nothing to do with you. Maybe your friend needs a little space. Then once he/she is ready to share, text or call will be returned.

4. Remember, this is between you and your friend.  Many times we want to chat about a problem and get other’s views, but this might be creating other problems by sharing. So think twice before sharing. It might make you feel better, but it could get back to the individual and make them angrier.

5. Once you try to talk to your friend or family member about the cold shoulder you’ve been feeling,  let it go.  At least, by reaching out, you’ve let your friend know that you’re there when he/she is ready to talk.

6. So now what?  Well, it doesn’t mean you can’t text or heaven forbid, call and ask her/him to go bowling.  Two things could happen while you’re with each other: one, whatever did happen could melt away because you’re busy having fun together. Or two, the friend will feel comfortable enough to share what ticked him or her off.  

7.  However, if the friend has no time for you and two weeks have passed, write a letter. As a teacher when I couldn’t get a straight answer from a student about why he/she seemed sad or angry, I would finally write a letter.  I always received a letter back, and if I was able to help, I did.

8.   But remember, everyone, processes their anger or pain differently.  Some people hang onto it for a while others immediately have to get it off their chest.  Don’t expect your family or friends to be like you. If your call or letter is ignored, be patient and trust that your friend will open up to you when he/she is ready.