65 - A few suggestions to help adults listen to their children and partner so they won't close down

    Sometimes parents trivialize the important things in their kids’ lives, but that makes them feel misunderstood.  Ultimately, your children will stop sharing anything with you. When your kids talk to you, don’t offer advice, belittle their friends or try to minimize their worries. Just listen and sympathize.

   If you’re busy and your child or spouse wants to talk to you, set a time when you can talk or ask if it’s essential and then rearrange your schedule. Learning to listen effectively builds strong relationships and teaches respect.  A child who is listened to learns how to listen.

    Listening to your child's perspective will teach you a lot. Kids are smarter than most grown-ups think, and they generally know what they need or should have done. Be attentive to what your kids have to say, and they will teach you how to raise them. That is very hard to do at times because our fear takes over, so we listen to that fear instead of our children or our heart.

   Sometimes we are just as guilty in not listening with our full attention to our spouse, or we might trivialize an incident that she/he is trying to share.  You have to fight the urge as it’s important to listen or he/she wouldn’t be sharing.

 

 It's important to learn to listen

How to be an active listener to your children(some of these steps are perfect also for big people):

1. Listen  -  No reacting! Just listen, shut down your internal dialogue.  No giving advice or making judgments. Count backward from 30 to 0 if you are starting to react.  A parent that always reacts equals a child that won’t share.  Remember, kids are kids so sometimes they just blurt out that they got mad at Eddie and stuffed him into a trashcan.  After he’s finished sharing, ask him what he thinks he should have done instead and what he thinks he should tell the boy the next day he sees him. (apologize)

2.  Reflect - Active listening means you restate what the individual has told you. No, you don’t have to repeat everything, just paraphrase some major points. This verifies that you were listening.

3.  Show that you’re listening - Nod your head, or say, “I understand,” or “That must have hurt your feelings.” (Don’t fold arms, this is a block.)

4.  Make eye contact – important to do at least 50% of the time while the other person talks.

5.   Do not interrupt while the other person is speaking. Do not prepare your reply while the other person speaks; the last sentence or two that he says may change the meaning of what he had said earlier.

6.  Don’t just listen to the words, watch your child’s nonverbal behavior as that might give you undertones of what really is happening or has happened. Watch for facial expressions, the tone of voice and any other physical actions that possibly could tell you more than the words.

7.  Don’t ask questions until the person is finished talking.  Afterward, ask questions to clarify what has been said. Stay away from the yes/no questions as that does not encourage conversation.

8.  Fight changing the subject because it will seem like you aren’t interested in what your child is sharing.

    Listening is a skill that takes a while for many of us to develop, and yet it’s one we will use throughout our whole life. Teach your spouse and your children how to listen. Place a photocopy of How to Communicate on the refrigerator.  When you break one of the rules, apologize and explain what you did incorrectly and what you should have done. Alan and I grew up in the 50’s.  I can guarantee you that we were taught to bite the bullet and be tough. Rarely, were we encouraged to share our feelings.