16 A few types of trauma disorders and my experience with a few of them and when to see a doctor

 
 Am I really crazy?


Dissociative disorder  - (DD) are conditions that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity, emotion, behavior, sense of self, or perception. People with dissociative disorders use dissociation as a defense mechanism, pathologically and involuntarily. Some examples of this disorder are: feeling if you are floating outside your body, loss of memory. 

Dissociative identity disorder – (Used to be called multiple personality disorder) is a condition where a person's identity is fragmented into two or more different personalities. People with this rare condition are often victims of severe abuse.

Dissociative amnesia. - Involves disruptions or interruptions of memory, consciousness, awareness, identity, and/or perception. When one or more of these functions is disrupted, symptoms can result.  (My brothers, sisters, and I never knew what mood my father was going to be in. Some days he would joke and tease us like crazy.  But other days, he yelled at us for insane reasons or spanked or used the belt on us for stupid infractions.  I couldn’t trust what mood my father would be in, so I always felt I was on my guard the minute he walked into the room.  Sometimes I remember hearing him yell at our mother or my brother, and I would go somewhere else. I had a huge problem remembering things or even placing items in the order. Also, because my dad was in the Air Force, we moved every 1 to 2 years. I was always frightened about going to new schools because I had huge holes in my learning. Each district had different objectives for each level—the fear of not knowing the material led to huge memory problems. To retain anything, it took me hours of work. Now that I’ve gone through therapy for so long, I’ve noticed my memory has majorly improved. Yes, even in my 60’s.)

Depersonalization/derealization disorder -  

1.)  Feelings that you're an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts

       of your body — for example, as if you were floating in the air above yourself

2.) Feeling like a robot or that you're not in control of your speech or movements  (Too

      often harsh words catapulted out of my mouth at students or Nicole, my daughter,

      when she was in 9^th grade. Still, to this day, I remember seeing that look of disappointment or anger on her face. Yes, when I could slow myself down, I noticed that look and was surprised and wondered what alien had hijacked my brain and my mouth.  I didn’t use to be that person. But stress and menopause had changed me 

      Drastically.  Sometimes I could slow myself down to apologize, but usually,y I forgot.)

3.) Having the sense that your body, legs, or arms appear distorted, enlarged, or shrunken, or that  

      your head is wrapped in cotton.

4.)  Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you

5.)  A sense that your memories lack emotion and that they may or may not be your own

      memories

Symptoms of derealization include:

 1.)   Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings — for example,

         you feel like you're living in a movie or a dream    ( Here's one of the chapters from a 
         A memoir  I’m writing.  I had promised to cook Nicole one of her favorite foods, tempura.  She insisted on helping me cook even though she was still getting over a sinus infection. I showed

         her how carefully she had to place the vegetables into the hot oil.) Minutes passed by and 
         then I heard……

     “F…, f…, f….,” Nicole repeated in a medium-low controlled monotone voice.

      I looked up and saw her holding her left forearm and noticed an egg shape white spot on her left wrist and a few others around it. She had burned herself. What should I do? I thought. Then suddenly, I was imprisoned behind a thick glass block wall; everything looked glossy. I had entered into some type of cryogenic state, frozen in my spot. It felt so bizarre. I couldn’t move.  I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I stared as Cody, Kyle’s friend, ran over to the refrigerator and opened the door.

   Bits and pieces came through. “Where’s the….” Cody hurriedly demanded.

   Kyle pointed and ran to the sink. “It’s……….thaw….” Kyle explained. I don’t remember if Kyle helped or what else was said or done. It was as if I was watching a broken film reel that stopped and started sporadically, yet some of the frames sped through so quickly I was unable to recognize or hear anything.

     I have no idea how long I was incapacitated.  A few seconds, two minutes… But finally, the invisible wall vanished, and the panoramic view emerged clearly, now playing at normal speed. Immediately, I thought of the milk carton I had left in the sink to thaw, I walked around the island to grab it, but it was missing. I turned to search for it; Cody was pouring milk down Nicole’s tummy where the grease had also splashed. She was holding her left forearm up like a wounded wing, and a few drops of milk dripped from it onto the floor. A light terracotta color was beginning to appear on her wrist. 

   I turned around and snatched the hand towel from the oven door, walked around the roadblock, the center island, to pick up the carton that Cody had returned to the sink, and poured milk on the cloth. While wrapping her arm were the worst of the burn seemed to be, I thought, how did Cody beat me? He was clear across the room. I was confused about what had happened to me. Kyle walked over and gave his little sister a big hug, and said he was sorry.

   Splashes of lily-white stain painted her stomach. My eyes perused Nicole’s face. Her bottom lip looked half painted on because she was biting the corner of it. After a few minutes,s I took the towel off her wrist, her skin had already started bubbling in the shape of an oval. She cocked her head and gave me this bewildered look.  I’ll remember that look vividly till the day I die. I wondered, did she realize that I froze and wasn’t reacting? I felt no fear…no empathy…. not like a normal mother. 

    Confused, I asked, “Can I hug you?” Only then did I become cognizant that I felt like I wasn’t part of this scene: I still felt mentally detached, and only my body was there. Nicole gave one minuscule nod. I didn’t feel emotionally connected to my daughter at all, and I didn’t understand why.

   Why wasn’t she crying? Why wasn’t there any pain on her face? Her stomach and arm must hurt like hell? Those were only some of the questions I asked myself days later.

 2.)   Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about as if you were separated by a glass wall  (I remember sometimes I would look at my daughter when she was in 4^th grade and wonder why she didn’t feel like my daughter. I didn’t feel attached to her like I did Kyle. Often, I would go to bed crying, wondering why. I

         felt horrible and guilty. I wonder if it was because Kyle was having such difficulty in 6^th 

         a grade that I was constantly worried about him me off from my daughter because it couldn't 
         handle any more stress.)

3.)   Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a

        heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings

4.)   Distortions in the perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past

  

5.)   Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects

Episodes of depersonalization-derealization could last hours, days, weeks, or even months at a time. These episodes turn into ongoing feelings of depersonalization or derealization that could periodically get better or worse.

When to see a doctor:

Passing feelings of depersonalization or derealization are common and aren't necessarily a cause for concern. But ongoing or severe feelings of detachment and distortion of your surroundings can be a sign of depersonalization-derealization disorder or another physical or mental health disorder.

See a doctor if you have feelings of depersonalization or derealization that:

1.)  Are they disturbing you, or are they emotionally disruptive

2.)  Don't go away or keep coming back

3.)  Interfere with work, relationships or daily activities

If you wish to write a personal message to me, or share and experience, my email is:    tbboivin8@gmail.com    I will respond in a couple of days.