21 - Take control - A Technique Useful for You and your Children to Not Only Forgive Yourself But Others

Remember, you're a soul in transition, growing and learning. Love yourself!

      

     We are human beings. Therefore, we make mistakes, and sometimes we find it difficult not to judge ourselves, family members, or others when a mistake is made. To stay in the present and be happy, we must release our judgments. 

     Some high-energy times to release negative thoughts are Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Easter, and your birthday, the Full Moon, or any other time there are particular moon phases is also a perfect time to let go. However, anytime is okay because the idea is to let go of these negative thoughts. 

     First of all, don’t compare yourselves to others. We are who we are. You are the only you, unique and special. Are you imperfect? Heck, yes.  Would you personally grow if you weren’t?  No. Think about the various struggles that you’ve had in your life.  I grew up thinking I was stupid, fat, and unattractive.  I struggled with math every school year and continuously called myself dumb when I didn’t understand a concept or because it took me twice as long to memorize things compared to my two brothers.  As a kid, I forgot that I had huge holes in my learning because we moved to a different state every two years or less.  It took me years to accept and love myself for who I was. 

     It took me until I was 25 to finally forgive my father and his unneeded insistence on perfection and his hard hand regarding discipline.  Yelling belts, spanking on the bare butt, and a kick under the table was not unusual, and every once in a while, I watched a brother get forked on a hand. I experienced waves of depression, suicidal thoughts, and a huge drinking problem from 18 to about 24.  And then one day, I sat with a glass of wine listening to a song sung by Linda Ronstadt and written by Karla Bonoff, “Lose Again.” The words grabbed my heart and twisted it just the right way. "Save me. Free me from my heart this time. Well, the train's gone. Down the track, and I'm left behind." 

     Then wack! It was as if someone had slapped me out of my head. Life was passing me by becasue I was bouncing in and out of it due to depression. I knew I had to forgive, so I could feel complete, move forward, and take my life back. I realized that my father did the best he could and more than likely raised us like his mom had raised him.  That forgiveness I finally gave my father freed me. I remember crying like a baby.

    Did you ever think that we came into this world imperfect (to us only) for a reason?  Wonder if we arrived on this planet in our unique bodies to learn various lessons: to love ourselves, to forgive others and ourselves. Or maybe we are to remember that beauty inside is more important than outside beauty.  Or perhaps we learn to get in shape; we have to be disciplined.  Or we learn that we aren't great in Algebra, but we have a music or writing gift.

     I have an exercise that I learned at a workshop. (By the way, this would be a perfect exercise for the whole family.) Don’t be surprised if you shed a few tears; this activity has been known to release much pain. My students found it very useful.

1.  Obtain notebook-sized paper. 

2.  Fold the paper length-wise, in half, and find a writing utensil.

3.  On the left side of the paper, write down all the things you don’t like about yourself and include your anger and judgments about others. Write all the positive physical attributes and personality traits about yourself.  (No one will see this paper, so let all that anger out.)

4.  Fold the paper along the line and rip or cut it in half. Place the right side in your wallet or another safe place so that when you tumble down that dark rabbit hole, you can pull that strip of paper out and remind yourself what a  fabulous person you are.

5.  Find a metal empty trash can or barbecue and some matches. (BE SAFE. –  Only adults should be doing this, and children should be under their supervision – Don’t do this inside. Ensure you have a gallon of water close by.) If burning your paper is unavailable to you,  rip that piece of paper into tiny bits while saying the lines below or something in your own words.)

 6. Then you will say out loud or, if you are not alone, say it in your head:  “Dear Father, Mother, I 

 release all these negative feelings about myself and others to you. (Then read off your list. And you can add more if something pops into your head.) It’s time for me to let go of them. I have  held onto them for too long.” Then light the piece of paper and place it in the trash can or barbecue. You can  say, ‘thank you,’  ‘or it is done,’ ‘or Amen.’  You can create your own words. Listen to your heart and trust yourself.  Remember, say everything in the present tense.

      Quite a few students had to wipe away their tears, but they thanked me, and many went home and shared the exercise with their families. Some actually did it.  At one of the Parent nights, I had a few say, "Thank you!"

     "For what?" I asked one mother, totally puzzled.

      "For that exercise, you taught my child."

      "You're welcome.  It was such a strong technique for me personally, so I thought it might help the kids."

      The parent explained how it helped her family forgive their father, her husband, because he had done something stupid and was now spending some time in jail. I was so moved I almost started crying. In the back of my mind, I made a note, Do this again next year.