No matter how hard we try, we occasionally say or do something inappropriate. It happens, whether out of frustration, anger, or just plain tiredness. When this occurs, it's vital to acknowledge your error and explain to the individual how you should have handled the situation. Don't expound on why you lost your cool because it takes away the power of the apology when you give a reason. Yes, there might be one, but in all honesty, the individual you just lost your temper with doesn't need to hear it. But you need to take ownership of that mistake. An apology opens the door to forgiveness.
Teach by example
The debilitating effects of regret and shame that we feel when we've hurt another person can eat away at us until we become emotionally or physically ill. Whether we consciously refuse to say I'm sorry or forget to tell someone we forgive them, this negative feeling unconsciously controls us. I wrote a letter to my daughter, who I hadn't spoken to for 12 years. After writing a few letters spilling out apologies and excuses, she answered a few, then she wrote and told me to stop writing to her. Yes, it upset me horribly; I knew I must have said something stupid in the letter.
A friend suggested that I read Reconnecting to Your Estranged Adult Child by Tina Gilbertson. The author discusses the plethora of reasons and variations for estrangement and provides insight and practical solutions to reconnect so that both parties can move forward. The example of letters in the book helped me write an apology letter, zeroing in on only one of my mistakes, not five or ten like I had done in the past. And this time, I made no excuses. Nicole let me know through a friend that she received it. This letter opened a tiny weeny door.
By apologizing and taking responsibility for our actions, we help rid ourselves of guilt, making us healthier mentally and physically. But most of all, we open the door to the possibility of having a relationship with a friend or loved one. (By the way, about 2 years after that letter, our daughter dropped by the house, and my husband and I went to a festival and out to dinner with her.
This is an important life lesson to teach if you are a parent or a teacher. If you continue to snap at someone, make negative judgments, make rude comments, and do not apologize, resentment, fear, and anger will build up in the other individual. They will shut down, use drugs like our son, or start drinking, which is what I did in my early 20s. When I dropped into that angry, poor me state, I would grab a bottle of wine to keep me company until I was 25 and finally forgave my father for his unneeded spankings and temper. Those years were not happy times for me. My life was not my own because my thoughts were consumed with anger and resentment. Alcohol tried to drown that pain, and it did for a while, but it certainly didn't solve the problem.
An apology is magical; it has the power to mend relationships, soothe wounds, and heal broken hearts, thus healing us emotionally and physically. Remember, anger gets stuck in the body and often affects us physically or mentally. Those simple words, "I'm sorry," show respect to the wronged individual. An apology neutralizes their anger and prevents misunderstandings of not feeling loved or respected. No, an apology can't zap away the hurt you caused, but it will release some of the adverse effects if it's done sincerely. As adults, we must step up and apologize when we make mistakes. How else can our students, children, friends, and fellow workers learn if we don't teach them?
My students used to look surprised when I'd call out a student's name and explain what I did wrong, and apologize for being curt with them or rude. And if I was in good form that day, I'd ask for forgiveness. My students shared that I was one of the few teachers who did that. If we are to teach compassion, we have to forgive the person who wronged us. This takes us slowing down and seeing the individual's hurt or hearing their hurtful words but not making it personal.
The apology is crucial to our mental and physical health. Research shows after receiving an apology, blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows, and breathing becomes steadier. To forgive, you need to empathize with the wrongdoer. When someone confesses and apologizes for hurting us, we can develop a new image of that person instead of seeing him through anger and bitterness. A simple, sincere apology causes us to know that person as an imperfect, vulnerable human being, just like us.
But what if someone doesn't apologize to you? Often times I'm going to say it's because they forgot. Sometimes my husband or I get caught up with life, so you have to remind the individual. "You really upset me yesterday when you.........but I forgive you for blowing up at me last night." Frequently, that opens up a discussion, or an apology is expressed. I know... I know..... you feel like you're fishing for an apology, but it's a slight nudge to remind the person that you do have feelings too. Also, it does open the door for a conversation.
Useful site: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200207/the-power-apology
www.othersideofloss.blogspot.com
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