3 - No one can Play the Role of Superman or Super Woman, sometimes Parents and Our Children Need Professional Help

 

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     At 20 Kyle, our son had a breakdown possibly induced by drugs and only then did my husband and I realize that we needed professional help so we could assist our son to become a mature young man. He was diagnosed with Bi-polar II, Impulsive Behavior Disorder, and Schizophrenia after he had a full-on breakdown due to using heroin.  We knew it was common for A.D.D. children to mature slower, but with his alcohol issues and drug problems, we weren't sure how to guide him. The Marriage and Family Counselor taught Alan and me that when Kyle asks us for our opinion, or if we felt like he needed our guidance, instead of telling him what we believed he should do, to ask him what he thought his options were.  What a beautiful technique because we started having conversations, and it was exciting to hear our son sharing what he was thinking and what he wanted to do with his life. Finally, he started sounding like a young adult. 

       Our tall thin therapist gave me tools to help me set boundaries and to be consistent. She helped Alan, and I work together so that we could be on the same page.  And I learned not to feel bad when I was forced to discipline or set boundaries.  I wish we had gone to this Marriage Counselor before we even had children. It would have helped us work together, honor each other’s opinions, and maybe even get rid of some old baggage from our childhood. 

     The counselor also gave Alan homework.  During one couple’s meeting, she hit the nail on the head when she softly said, “You love your son, but you don’t like him.” I remember cringing because two months earlier, Kyle had shared, through a bout of tears, that he knew his father didn’t like him. I remember throwing my arms around him and hugging him, struggling to hide my tears. I assured him that his father did love him; he just didn’t like some of the choices he has made. 

   Alan came to the next meeting with a mental list of things he admired about his son, and it was moving to hear him share.  Tears rolled down my face. There had been so much tension in the house, especially the last four years that I think Alan had forgotten how unique and special his son was.  As Alan shared his list, he choked up a couple of times, but by the end, I could hear the pride in his voice.      Later that evening as we were standing in the kitchen, Alan shared with Kyle those positive attributes, and I watched as a wall disintegrated between them.  Alan walked over and hugged his son, something he hadn’t down in a while.  This made an unconfident young man feel good about himself and loved, something that had become increasingly rare in his world.  Alan had always expected his son to be like him, so all too often he made judgments about his behavior.  This simple exercise helped father and son love each other for who they were. It was miraculous.  A significant shift occurred in our household, one of respect.  Do not give up; it took us three therapists to finally find one that gave us useful tools.

    Everyone in the family needs to be in counseling every once in a while if there is a problem with alcohol, drugs, or abuse, or if one of the children has learning problems. Techniques are taught how to help you deal with the individual who is having the issues, or the counselor will help you deal with feelings, and validate the child’s or parent’s frustration or anger and give tools to handle them.  All too often as human beings, we attempt to deal with things on our own. Or what’s also typical is that we keep thinking everything is going to get better. Don’t get caught up with your busy life of raising children and concentrating on work that you postpone getting help. The time spent working on a relationship or yourself will pay off.

     Everyone is going to feel comfortable with different techniques, and some might work better than others. If you feel too at ease in the sessions, you aren’t healing; therefore, you aren’t moving forward. Crying, getting pissed, feeling uncomfortable, and feeling guilty or sad is okay. The therapist will teach you how to diffuse these feelings thereby releasing them. 

     Also, if there's turmoil at home or if something tragic has happened, don’t be afraid to ask your children how they’re doing personally and in school. Even if they say they’re doing fine, call the teacher about any behavior or grade(s) dropping.  These Pandemic times are really tough for kids too. I taught in the public schools for over 30 years, and often times I had to call because a child seemed depressed or withdrawn. And that's when the parent tells me all the garbage that is going on at home. Get your children into counseling. If you can’t afford it, call the school. Usually, they can refer you to a free therapist or one with lower rates.

   Therapy kept me sane and married. It helped me to forgive myself, my husband, and those who knew Kyle was using drugs to quiet the voices in his head, and it helped me forgive those who knew Nicole, our daughter had withdrawn and was upset with us. For me, counseling released a lot of buttons and reawakened some of my deep issues, childhood trauma. You have to release all that garbage if you want to be a happy, centered person and move forward. Of course, that’s sometimes a lifelong process, but it’s sure nice to feel grounded again and able to deal with issues as a loving adult, instead of like a reactive child.  And when I start becoming mad at myself or my spouse or start spacing out or reacting, I get my butt back into therapy, or my husband and I return to therapy.

     Things to watch for in your family that might hint that there’s trauma or depression: anxiety, shame, anger, hypervigilance, difficulty concentrating or remembering things, difficulty organizing, mentally escaping, or freezing. Sometimes you will see a blank stare on a loved one’s eyes, or he/she will space out and not know what just happened.  Or you might notice your loved one becomes confused easily, or unable to make decisions.  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is also prevalent in a house with trauma. Irrational thoughts and fears,  obsessions that lead to compulsive behaviors, usually centering on themes such as fear of germs (wash hands constantly) or the need to arrange objects in a particular manner or clean the house over and over. (Mine was the fear of losing my children.)

   Do not attempt to play the role of Atlas, the mythological character who holds up the entire heavens by himself.  You can’t. Believe it or not, you are a human being.

If you wish to write a personal message to me, my email is: tbboivin8@gmail.com    I will attempt to respond in a couple of days.