10 - When Someone You Love Dies From a Drug Overdose or Alcohol It's A Shock to Your Whole System

     

    Once you lose anyone, especially a family member, friends and family will reach out to help, that’s natural. The amount of love and support that I felt from my family was unbelievable after we lost our son to a heroin overdose. But you’ll find even in the workplace you’ll have some surprising support. Students and teachers would walk into my classroom, some whom I didn't even know, and ask if they could hug me. A few people shared who they had lost, so that special hug was healing for both of us. My principal, Pam Hamashita, pulled me into her office and told me if I needed a day off, to take one. Or if I found I couldn't make it through a class, to call the office and she'd get someone to cover, and if there were no one, she’d do it herself. I took her up on the offer a couple of times, and as promised, the hour wasn't taken out of my sick time. 

    And while preparing for Kyle's funeral (thank God our family did most of it), Alan and I would make accusatory remarks, and his sister Nancy said sternly but kindly, “This isn’t the time for blame. Be kind to each other. That’s how you’ll heal.” We worked on listening to her wise words. She was right, blame helps no one.

 

Family and Friends Are Especially Important During This Time

     I was blessed to have a friend, who was there for me day or night. She had lost her daughter to drugs a year before our son died of an overdose. She knew what it felt like to have a loved one ripped out of her life. She knew what it felt like to blame yourself and your spouse and how it felt to walk around as if one was a ghost. She listened to my anger and my frustrations. Through my tumultuous tears, she heard me blaming everyone, including myself and my husband for our son's death. But ever so slowly I heard her soft but steady voice, “It was no one’s fault. Kyle chose to use heroin. Tina, the ‘what if's and ‘should haves’ will eat you alive. I already did it, and it’s not helpful in the healing process. You have to be kind to yourself.”  

     My girlfriend shared that many people will want to be around Alan and me to share our loss because it helps them process their sorrow.  But if I don’t feel like having anyone over, be honest and tell them. They will understand. Some people dropped food off, and others left flowers and beautiful sympathy cards on the stoop. A few offered to run my errands. My girlfriend was right, many people called or stopped by but at times I couldn’t talk to them because I was walking around in a dark cloud unable to see or feel anything. But everyone seemed to understand if I wasn't able to talk to them and would call another day, or Alan would talk to them.  

     A few of our neighbors and friends stopped by to let us know that they had been on heavy drugs and no matter what their parents or wives did: kicked them out of the house or demanded that they go to drug rehab, it was all on their shoulders. They had to want to quit. They had to kick themselves into drug rehab, not their parents, or wife. One of them said he stayed for two days in an expensive rehab his parents had paid for (the second one) but again he walked out and lived on the streets for over six months till he finally was ready and signed up for a county rehab. The second individual just went cold turkey. And a few others said they had to go to a few rehabs before they finally kicked the habit. 

     We felt better to hear these ex-addicts share a part of their lives. It helped alleviate some of the blame of listening to Kyle's psychiatrist who said,  “I know you want to send Kyle to a full program out of state, but he thinks he can break the habit. Let’s give him one more chance in drug rehab on a walk-in basis. Besides, he’s 22; you legally can’t make him.” Alan and I argued we couldn't sleep some nights, wondering what we should do. Finally, we decided to listen to his psychiatrist. This took us a while to forgive ourselves for not pushing the issue with Kyle.  Maybe he would have gone, but of course, that doesn't mean he could have stayed clean.

     Remember, it's essential you take care of yourself:  Surround yourself with friends and family when you need their support. Take walks out in nature and reconnect with yourself and your loved ones.  Find a good therapist who can give you tools, so you can handle the confusion, blame, and frustration.  Remind yourself, you do want to live a happy life.  But most of all you must forgive yourself, your spouse, your child's friends who knew he was using, and even the ones who introduced him to drugs. Anger and blame will slowly suck your health from you.

If you'd like to share a comment or a story, here is my e-mail: tbboivin8@gmail.com