By Tina Boivin
Imagine what the world would be like if
people were taught to explain how they felt rather than reacting with hurtful
words or angry punishment. How would
life be if we learned to express our emotions verbally rather than acting out
frustration by drinking, using drugs, or eating due to frustration or anger? What if, instead of resorting to violence, we
just ‘used our words’ to explain the toxic anger we feel?
Many of us were raised with unhealthy notions about emotions. Parents who were experts at suppressing their own emotions taught us to quench ours (“I’ll give you something to cry about!”). Therefore, we received messages that we were wrong to feel our emotions and learned to judge those who did (“Big girls don’t cry!”). Thus, we shut down, partially or fully, with emotions eventually exploding, or overreacting inappropriately. Needless to say, this is a root cause of upsets in many relationships on a global level.
Improving your ‘emotional literacy’ means learning
to define your feelings and communicate your emotions using precise
descriptive words. This will positively impact your life and health and, in doing
so, will also teach others by example, eventually filtering down to society. Undoubtedly, the number of mental illnesses,
suicides, and needless killings would drop enormously.
Accepting your own emotions may be challenging
at first, especially if they’ve been skillfully suppressed or misunderstood for
so long. But I guarantee that it will become easier with time and committed
practice. One of the most powerful ways
to teach about emotions is to model them.
Discuss with your family that it is safe to acknowledge their fears and
that no one will judge them or invalidate the way they feel. Remind your family
that fear is oftentimes false evidence that our mind believes is real, but acknowledging their fears and expressing their emotion will help release
them. “I am so uncomfortable sharing how
angry I’m feeling. I’m terrified you will judge me or think I’m silly.” Listening to their fears without comment offers a safe space that will allow them to open up for them to continue talking truthfully.
Ways to teach
yourself and your family mindful techniques to communicate:
1) Explain to your
children and partner why you think it’s important to allow emotions to be felt
and to learn to use words that describe them.
Clarify that once this becomes a habit, there will be fewer angry words,
yelling, hurt feelings, depression, and frustration, as well as the need to act
out.
2) Place a ‘Feelings
Poster’ where the family will see it frequently (the kitchen is usually the
ideal spot). Use it as a reference to help
with emotional literacy, and eventually, it will become an innate skill. This technique should be used at least once a
day with young children, and the adults in the household should be modeling it
for your family every day. And when you do slip, catch yourself, apologize to
your family member and explain why you got upset and how it made you feel. “I’m angry that you broke your toy. That was
a gift from your uncle….”
There are many printable posters online, and there are sites listed at the bottom of this article for posters for different age groups. Make sure you get age-appropriate charts since some might be too easy or too hard. https://creatingbranches.com/tag/sharing-feelings/
3) When sitting at
the dinner table as a family, you and your spouse can begin a discussion about what
kind of day you each had. Make sure to
ask each child and help them choose a few of the ‘feeling words’ when describing their day. A wonderful
alternative that encourages openness and connectedness is to ask each child as
you put them to bed. At first, it might
be awkward, and you may have to probe a bit.
But, as your children (and you) get more comfortable with emotions, this will
happen organically.
4) Ask various questions
each day. For example: “What was the best part of the day, and how
did you feel?” “Did anything make you
sad today, and why?” “What was the one
thing that upset you today?” “What part
of your day was the most boring, and why?” What made you proud of yourself today? (Each night, zero in on different emotions.)
But when a child or adult seems to be feeling an emotion but is not able to
express it, offer one or two of the ‘feeling words’ to open the discussion.
“Did anything happen today that made you upset?”
5) Another way is to
use a scale. For example, “Today, on a
scale from 1-10, I’d say I had a 5. I arrived to work late, and then I spilled
coffee on my pants. I was upset with myself, and then I reminded myself that
accidents happen, and then the rest of the day was perfect.” “How was your day?”
6) If your kids are
fighting, calmly ask them why. Ask each
one how they felt when the other child took a toy away or pushed him. Ask your
kids what they think some solutions might have been to solve the problem rather
than fighting. Don’t give them your
solutions since you’re trying to help them think for themselves. Don't judge or
feel sorry for them or take sides. Most
of all, acknowledge everyone’s feelings.
“I understand that must have been upsetting to have your toy
taken." To another child, “I can see it was scary to be pushed.”
The purpose of doing
the above exercises is to allow emotions to be accepted, even when in the
middle of feeling them. After doing this
practice, if your child or partner is angry, they may automatically express it in
words rather than acting it out. If they
don’t, you can gently ask them, “So, what is the emotion you’re feeling right
now?” Keep in mind that the timing of
your question is important—be quietly present with them, allowing time for them
to feel for as long as they need without rushing them into labeling the emotion
until they’re ready.
If your emotions are triggered when they are expressing
theirs, let them know that, responsibly.
“When you told me how sad you are, I felt very sad as well.” “When you expressed your anger, I noticed
that I was triggered and wanted to yell at you.” “When you were upset about what was going on,
I really wanted to just tell you to just get over it.” Those responses are acknowledgments of your
own emotions and will only bring more intimacy and trust to the relationship. )
Talk. Share your day. Share the funny moments. Share your
favorite moment that day. Share your anger and frustration. Share your fears and your hurts. Use feeling words and, most importantly, allow
yourself time to feel. And equally important is to make sure everyone respects each
other’s feelings.
As an adult, it may take time and effort to feel comfortable to openly and responsibly express emotions. It’s much easier to fall back on patterns of just reacting or shutting down. But the more you do it, the easier it gets.
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