I had started 'sharing time' whenever I could fit it into my art class because I had a couple of students who were hardcore gang members at my school that year. No one was talking much. Once I had started Share Day, it opened them up, maybe too much.
I opened my mouth to say something but immediately clamped it shut. One of my 8th graders shared proudly that he was a father already. He had talked his sixth-grade girlfriend into ditching with him. Of course, they started doing what high school students do, not what middle schoolers used to do when I was growing up. In the thick of things, Jimmy realized he didn't have a condom, so he grabbed a plastic bag in his room.
Some of the 7th and 8th graders asked Jimmy, who was now in 9th, how he felt about being a dad. (Our school hadn't switched to a middle school yet.) He told them that he loved his son but was too young to be a father. Suddenly his macho voice disappeared, and a soft sheepish voice snuck out, "But most of all, I feel stupid because I thought a plastic sandwich bag would work as a condom. I should have had a condom on me because I knew I was gonna have, you know..." His voice trailed off.
My students laughed, making him turn even redder. I tensed, worried that Jimmy would get pissed, but it looked like he felt comfortable with the class for the first time. I was proud of him for sharing his most embarrassing moment. I know the students listened to him more than they would have to me if I had given a lecture on being responsible when you have sex. But this talk made me aware that I needed to be a vigilant parent, talking to my kids about the responsibility of having sex and having the maturity to have it. Because I knew I couldn't shrink to travel in their pocket to ensure they behaved. Thank God I didn't have to worry about it as Kyle was 7 and Nicole was 3. But I wondered when was the appropriate time to start a conversation.
I don't know how your parents told you about the birds and the bees, but I think my dad was worried because it was 1971, and the sexual revolution already had been in full swing since the late 1960s. My twin brother and I were in high school when our dad handed my twin a book about sex and told us to read it; if we had any questions, we could ask him. Joseph was biting back a grin, and I was holding in a giggle. I tell you, it was so hard not to burst out laughing. Since my dad hadn't signed the papers for us to watch the movie about the birds and the bees in 6th grade (my mother did), he didn't know we had already learned about all that scary but embarrassing stuff. Our brother, Alex, who was a year younger, received a more straightforward book. The three of us cracked up that our father gave us these childlike books. When he asked if we had any questions after reading them, the three of us said no and waited till he walked off to have a good laugh. HIgh school was too late then, and now junior high is too late to talk to your kids about the birds and the bees.
I totally forgot about talking to my children in 5th or 6th grade. Still, around 8th grade, I was the one who spoke to Kyle about waiting to be sexually active until he was at least college age because he would be more mature and responsible. (8th grade is too late.) Then when we moved Kyle out of the house for a semester because he had totaled his second car and I felt he needed to continue his education at Santa Monica College, I bought him a box of condoms and told him I was not ready to be a grandmother yet. "Sex is something you do with someone you care about," I had said.
I still wasn't sure what to say, but he gave me this sheepish grin and said, "Thanks, mom." He probably was already active, but I was too chicken to ask.
As for Nicole, too much chaos was happening in the house. It totally slipped my mind to talk to her, but maybe it was because she rarely went out, so I didn't worry. When Nicole was in 10th grade, at school, the nurse handed out condoms as long as parents signed an authorization paper. But instead of signing the paperwork, I told Nicole, "I hope that you will talk to me before you become sexually active, and I'll gladly take you to get birth control pills." I remember this strange smile she gave me. Now I realize how many kids will come up to their parents and say, "Hey, mom, I really like Mark, and we'd like to screw around. Can I get on some birth control pills?" I don't think I ever talked to her about the responsibility of having sex, but maybe because she always seemed more mature than I ever was at her age, I didn't feel like I had to give her a lecture.
Don't be naive like we were. Start talking to your kids early and continue talking to them every single school year. Roffman wrote "Talk To Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids' "Go-To" Person About Sex" that children who grow up in a family where sexuality is openly discussed postpone risky behaviors, which include sexual activity.
Kids today live in an era where media exposes them to a deluge of sexual subjects. Many T.V. shows and movies exhibit sex without intimacy or do not show the critical process of deciding even to have the experience.
"The average age to have their first intercourse in the United States is currently 17 years old, with only 16 percent of teens having sex before they turn 15. The percentage of high schoolers who say they've had sex has been dropping for 20 years and now stands under 50 percent. The number who describe their first sexual activity as "unwanted" has dropped by a third in less than a decade and now stands at well under 10 percent. "https://rewire.news/article/2014/03/25/golden-age-teen-sexual-responsibilty/ Many had stated they had had sex with a girlfriend or a boyfriend and had used protection, a big difference from when I was a teen.
6% of middle schoolers are having sex which has led some schools to offer free condoms.
How should you approach "the talk?" It cannot just be one talk and you're done. You have to be ready to talk about the subject on an ongoing basis.
Some do's and don't s to help you teach your child about this critical subject:
Husband and wife need to sit down and discuss their feelings about age-appropriate and consensual sex before talking to your child. I'll never forget when y younger brother, Alex told us he had sex. My two brothers and I were shocked, and then I asked him, "What did you do?"
"We held hands." He replied. We teased him and verified that he definitely was innocent. He was in 6th grade.
Talking to your teen about sex is too late.
Don't assume school covers the material. Start this discussion when they're young and with age-appropriate material. And explain how their body is going to change. Yes, they'll get some of this info from school and maybe from their peers, but there will be holes, and you don't want any misinformation or missed information. (Get online and buy age-appropriate books. A little girl I babysit, who is 4 years old, pulled out a book, and that shocked me. It was honest, straightforward, and visual. I guess I'm a curmudgeon. )
Make yourself available to talk, and if you're busy, sit down or set up a time.
When young people are engaging in behaviors that are beyond their developmental capacity, it's almost always due to a lack of adult supervision. Kids want to be able to speak to their parents, so you have to be approachable. No judgments; keep an open mind if they're asking you questions.
It's essential to make your child feel comfortable and for you to feel at ease talking about whatever issue is brought up. Yes, you're not going to be perfect at this, but your child will know that you're not the expert on Sex Education. If you don't know the answer, admit it and look it up together. Or promise you'll find the solution and get back to him/her later.
Finally, don't get hung up on having a parent talk to a child, Homme says. The goal is to create a caring environment where a "trusted adult," be it a grandparent or caregiver, can provide guidance.
Don't use pet names for private parts.
No matter how tempted you might be to show how creative you are, do not make names for private parts. You need an open, honest environment. Plus, when you use the actual name, 'vagina,' you're saying to your child, there's no shame when you say the correct word.
Be aware of the correct setting for your conversations.
Berman suggests that a car might be the perfect place to begin the conversation. Just think, your audience can't escape, and due to the seating, there's little eye contact which might make you feel a bit more comfortable. But don't do this every time, or your kid will shut down. Another ideal time to broach the subject might be when you go for a walk. "Boys especially respond better if you are engaged in some kind of activity together, like throwing a ball or washing the dishes," Berman says.
Don't give too much info.
Don't give so much info that your child feels overloaded and tunes out. Just answer their questions. If a 7-year-old asks where babies come from, don't describe everything in graphic detail. Just tell your child that a baby grows in their mommy's tummy. If your child is 10 or 12, the response will naturally be more involved and age-appropriate.
Use your child's questions as an opportunity to understand where he's getting his information about sex. Ask them a lot of questions.
Explain their rights, responsibilities, and what's at stake.
Even though many kids now look physically older than their age, they still have tons of growing up to experience. The brain's prefrontal cortex, which is associated with rational decision-making, does not fully develop until age 21. (Unless they use drugs, that brain section will develop a few years later.) Just think of the mistakes you made when you were 18 to 21. Those raging hormones made us feel immortal, incapable of making mistakes or doing anything wrong.
It's just not the consequences of intercourse, but another risk when being involved in other types of sexual activity, contracting sexual diseases. Explain what their responsibility is when having sex and what the consequences could be if they are pregnant. (One year, we had about eight pregnancies in our high school, ranging from 9th to 12th grade. Of course, many of us teachers thought it was because of that T.V. series about the lives of real pregnant teens.)
Explain that they shouldn't let anyone push them into it. If I had to do it again, I'd practice with my children how to say 'no,' so they're not pushed into doing something they don't want. (This is setting boundaries.) You have to tell them that it's their body and they have to make the final decision, but that you hope they will think of the consequences and make a wise choice and hope the experience is with someone they love. Having sex can change one's life, and that's not something to play around with.
Helpful books:
Berman, Laura. Talking to Your Kids about Sex: Turning "The Talk" Into a Conversation for Life.
Elliot, Sinikka. Not My Kid: What Parents Believe about the Sex Lives of Their Teenagers.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hello, thank you for leaving a comment.