92 Suggestions for Dealing with a Manipulative Person

      Many of us have been manipulated by a boss, friend, or by someone we love. Usually, we're caught up in the moment or so surprised when it's happening, that we're confused about what to do. Afterward, we become upset with ourselves for allowing it to occur. Sometimes an individual doesn't realize they are manipulating you by lying, distorting the truth, dominating, or emotionally controlling you with their behavior or choice of words.  

     Mrs. W., our principal at Pacoima Junior High, had left a note in my teacher's mailbox telling me she needed to see me during my conference period. Later that day, I walked to her office, and she gestured for me to come in. She didn't ask me to sit down. She didn't greet me or ask how I was doing. That was very unusual.

     "Downtown wants you to sign this paper." She leaned over her desk and pushed the form towards me. I glanced at it quickly. Looked legal. "There isn't enough racial differentiation in the magnet school," she said., "so I need to transfer you out of the regular school."

     "In other words, too many Caucasian teachers," I said, studying her short black curly hair and bright red skirt and jacket. "I wonder if that's my fault?" But I really wanted to say you picked me because I'm the youngest teacher yet not the least experienced. 

     She stood up and walked around her desk to stand next to me, uncomfortably close. Her energy was overpowering, so  I backed up. Was she trying to intimidate me?

     "I need you to sign this. Don't worry; you will continue to teach the magnet classes." She said flatly.

     My brain felt like it was tumbling down Mount Everest. Finally, I stuttered, "I'm concerned that if you left this school, another principal could make me teach regular classes instead of the magnet classes I've been teaching for over 10 years. It would legally place me into the regular school if I signed that paperwork." I couldn't believe I actually got out what I wanted to say. Yes, it sounded like a timid little twerp, but often I'm too shy to speak up, so I was actually proud of myself.

      I could feel her blood boiling. She was used to intimidating people and getting her way. Even though she guaranteed me that nothing would happen, I still refused.     

     "I don't need your signature." Her voice was intense. "I'll transfer your name to the regular school, but I promise you'll still be teaching our magnet students," she said icily. She picked up a black pen and held it out to me.

     I stared at the pen for a second, confused about what to do. Can a principal legally do that? Feeling her eyes burrow into me, I felt extremely uncomfortable, so finally, I signed the paperwork, not happy with myself. As I walked to my classroom, I felt like someone had just struck a match to me. I was furious with myself.  Mrs. W. had made me feel highly uncomfortable, manipulated, and bullied. I should have spoken to our Union Rep to see what I could have done before I signed the paperwork.  Or I should have filed a complaint with our union.

      

Suggestions for dealing with a manipulative individual:

1.    If your boss, boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse has raised his voice where it makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you tell him you'll talk to him when he/she can speak to you calmly and respectfully. If you need to disengage to feel safe, then lock the door, or leave the room or house. Or pull to the side of the road and refuse to move unless he or she gets out of the car.  

2.    If the individual is still in a tirade, then you may need to find a temporary place to stay.  You might tell him this, or you might have to sneak out, it depends if you think he can handle you leaving without going crazy. Tell him that when you return, you expect him/her to stay calm. If you think your partner is going to blow his/her top again, bring a friend, or you might have to call instead.

3.    Do not answer e-mails or calls. This will allow your partner to know that his behavior is unacceptable.  When you are ready to talk, call him and lay down the guidelines needed for you to feel safe so the two of you can speak. First, be aware of why the person might have reacted, then discuss this. This shows compassion. "I understand you don't like it when I buy too many vitamins, so the cabinet looks too full. Or "I understand that you get worried when it's late and I haven't called to check in."  

4. Don't be combative. Don't argue about what happened. Ask how he felt when he went to the 'dark side,' listen intently and restate how your partner felt and his position on the incident. Yes, it'll be difficult not to react, but you must bite your tongue. It doesn't mean you have to agree with what he has said, it means that you are trying to understand his view of what happened and understand his feelings. Stay away from 'you said this' and zero in on the word "I." Do not blame or diagnose what had happened. Take responsibility for your choices and your behavior. Hopefully, the other person will also.

5.   Sometimes it will be challenging to hang on to the truth of what happened as time warps the past, but stay focused on your needs and remember everyone sees things differently as each of us are individuals and have had different experiences. You must remind yourself that you have the right to your own opinion. You have the right to express what you need in a working relationship or a relationship. And you have the right to be treated with respect. Know what you need before the discussion, so you don't waver. Do you need to be treated differently, or do you need the other person to understand your side of the issue?

6.    If your partner tries to blame you for his behavior, don't let him. Keep focused on what was said or done and how you felt. Emotions might run high but stay on the subject. Remember to respect how your partner feels. You may even realize that you would feel this way also if you were in the exact situation. If you still disagree with how he handled the situation, share your point of view without invalidating his.

7.   Remember to set healthy boundaries: "You will not talk to me in that manner, or I will need to leave for a while." "It is my health that I'm dealing with, so I will buy the vitamins I think I need." "You will not call me after twelve unless it's an emergency." "You will not talk to me in that tone of voice because I'm not your child; I'm your partner." And the list goes on.  Solid boundaries and mutual respect will make it easier to get along.    

8.   Set clear consequences for boundary violations, such as: "If you keep yelling at me, I will have to leave because I can't talk to you when you're like this, and I don't feel comfortable." Add positive consequences, too: "If you can settle down to talk about this issue, we'll be able to spend a nice afternoon together."

     The hardest thing to decide is when you've had enough. If your partner is unwilling to get help or refuses to go to counseling, only you can determine if you feel safe and happy enough to continue with this relationship. I had a father who yelled, broke, and threw things. We never knew when he would switch to the dark side, I was used to the ups and downs, so what do I do? I married a pretty similar man. But now that I've gone through years of therapy, my energy and needs have changed. For Alan and I to stay together, he realized that he had to go to counseling with me. No, it's not regularly like I would, but at least he's trying, and we've both improved on many levels of expressing our needs.

   It's important to know when to walk away, whether it's from an adult son who verbally abuses you, to an aunt, friend, or boss.  If they can't regulate their emotions enough to make you feel safe, it might be time to end the relationship. Tell him or her why and explain that you are willing to rekindle the relationship after they get help. 

   Always remember what you need to feel safe, whether it's at work, with friends, or at home. Know your rights and your limits when it comes to someone losing their cool with you. Set clear boundaries and state the consequences. Recognize when the other individual starts losing control or attempts to sidetrack the issue, and always…always, if you start feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, leave.  

References:

Murdock, R. (2012, March 30). Retrieved from https://www.earlytorise.com/how-to-deal-with-manipulative-people–part-two/

Ni, P.  (2014, June 1). How to spot and stop manipulators. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-spot-and-stop-manipulators

 

95 During these Difficult times, many of us are Worried, Scared, Depressed or Temperamental. Here's a Simple Technique

    All of us have experienced depression and stress during our lifetime; it's normal. However, with the third year of the Corona Virus and its variants, many of us are concerned about stepping out in an attempt to return to somewhat of an everyday life. The feeling of uncertainty still exists, and I worry about catching it again. Stress often times will cause us to overreact and say something mean or inappropriate. Some people will tell you, "Just get over it. Tough it up!" Others will say to you, "Just get over it. Tough it up!"


 "Don't bite my head off!"       

     Many people ignore how they feel, but this isn't healthy, nor does this allow you to process your feelings, which make you feel stuck or moody. This stuckness makes you unable to move forward in your life. Either you can't create, have difficulty focusing, or walk around angry. Your brain wants its life back. Your body wants to stop reacting, and your soul wants you to live its life to the fullest. 

Depression or trauma might feel like::

* Blaming yourself for what happened

* Difficulty concentrating

* Losing your temper easily

* Overwhelming thoughts/possibly obsessive

* Shallow breathing where you almost pass out

* Hyperventilate

* Fearful of the future

* Feeling alone

* Anxious or depressed when memories of the traumatic event

*Sometimes, you  feel as if you're standing behind glass blocks, your vision is affected, and you feel like you are not in your body 

     After our daughter left to live her own life,  refusing to talk to us, and then a year later, our son died of a heroin overdose, I was stuck in trauma the majority of the day. It almost took over my life. My trauma therapists helped me reclaim my life, healing not only from the trauma as a parent but also from the many traumas I confronted while growing up.

Here's a quick fix I learned from my therapist that you can use when you feel upset, angry, or detached, not living in the present:  GREAT TECHNIQUE TO TEACH TO KIDS.

  1. Rub the material on your right side; maybe it's a skirt or a pair of pants. Notice the texture.

  2. Then, with the left hand, rub something which has a totally different texture than what the right hand is rubbing. 

  3.   Rub with the right hand, then rub with the left, switching back and forth. Whatever negative issues pop up in your head, say them out loud. Keep stroking, switching back and forth.                     Allow the tears or anger to be released. Recognize that you are safe and that you can take 

         care of yourself. I validate the way I feel by saying it out loud. "I am safe. I now know how to 

         say, 'No.' I'm not that helpless little girl anymore, etc.;" You'll know when you are done. It 

         might take a few times to unlock the emotions from your body because you've been so tricky

         in hiding them.

  4.   If any other emotions pop up follow the same release guidelines. 

This technique releases the emotions from the right brain and transfers them to the left brain, which is the logical side.   Be open to letting go.

Blog #4 also discusses other techniques to release trauma/depression. 

http://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2017/12/4-depressed-kick-your-butt-immediately.html

109 Techniques that Zap Negative Thoughts which will Help Protect you from Depression and Illness

      Life is too short to be stuck in the negative zone. Did you know that negative thinking and fear change our aura, the energy field around us? This makes us susceptible to depression, the inability to focus, colds, flu, and many severe illnesses. Our positive thoughts, the healthy food we consume, and the environment we live in helps us stay healthy. If we continually project fear of getting sick or we worry about others or about how we're going to pay the rent, we are decreasing this protective shield around us. Trusting that everything is going to be okay is often a hard concept.

https://www.google.com/search?q=negative+thoughts

What is an aura?
     An aura is an electromagnetic energy field surrounding people, animals, and things. A few people can feel anxious, happy, or in the wrong place. This is because they pick up the energy from the individual's aura. Remember that your aura is an extension of you. When healthy, it acts as a protective shield. It can leave you drained and open to illnesses when fragile or damaged. Sometimes I have to move away from an individual because the person's energy is dark, making me want to vomit. If I can't move to another area, there are techniques that I use to protect myself.

A test you can do with a family member or a friend:   

     Rub your hands together for a few seconds, then face your palms to each other about five inches apart. You might feel a slight buzzing; this is good. Now see if you can feel that bubble around your child or partner's aura which is about arms' length from their body. Now gently push on that bubble. Do you think it? It almost feels like a balloon. Go ahead, feel this aura all around the individual. If your hand pops through an area or feels gushy, that means there's a hole in the aura. This is caused by many things: our environment, what we eat, any internal/mental illness, negative thinking, fear,  and the list goes on. That is a concern because these holes permit negative energy to seep in.  

     Or you might find that this field is strong and healthy like Jello, bouncy, but firm. That is what we want.

A test you can do all by yourself:

     Think a positive thought, and feel that happiness while you're pointing fingers and thumb, are hooked together, looking almost like a figure eight. Then try to pull them apart while you are thinking positive thoughts. This is called Muscle Testing, which tests the body's sensitivity to allergens. Was it hard or easy?

     Now think about the Coronavirus, your fear of what could happen…. - Hook fingers together and pull. What happens? The fingers should have easily torn apart. Okay, now say, "I take that fear and take it to my love and light." Feel this truth. Now hook your fingers together and think about the Coronavirus or something negative. What happens this time? You shouldn't have been able to pull your fingers apart. This simple technique will help cancel many different types of fears.

Here's a prayer about COVID, but you can make it about anything.
      Remember to keep the prayer in the present if you ask for anything, "I respect the COVID Virus. These difficult times are teaching me how to reconnect with family and friends. It's teaching me to slow down and see what's truly important in my life. It's making me realize how beautiful life is. It's teaching me compassion." You can add your own comments. 

     Remember, fear, worry, hate, and judgment weaken your immune system over time.  

Let's do some work on our aura to clean it up.

     If you haven't forgiven yourself or someone for something that you or they did wrong, the time is now. Push pride aside and ask for forgiveness. Don't give any excuses/reasons for why you said or did what you did to that individual. Just apologize. Remember, we are humans and are here on this planet to learn lessons. A suggested helpful blog to read -  BLOG 100  -  Releasing Negative thoughts about Ourself and Others is Imperative  for  Your Health   https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2019/03/100-what-would-happen-if-we-released.html

100 Releasing Negative Thoughts about Our Self and Others is Imperative fo

Ways to protect yourself from negative energy:

     

  Ways to release negative energy: Say a prayer if you want to be protected from negative energy. Mine is something like this: "Dear Father, Mother (I also sometimes ask angels or a couple of saints to help). Please protect me today from all negative energy." Then, I see beautiful white/golden starry light shooting down from the sky, surrounding me like a shield. (You might see another color, accept that color.)  This technique should be used every day, and then in the evening, I swoosh away the garbage from my body. And place a new shield around you. My problem is I forget to do this every day  (This doesn't mean I'm not wearing masks or  using hand sanitizer during this COVID problem, nor does it mean I'm having parties at my house.) But at least I'm feeling like I'm wearing some armor when I do go out.

     I've been doing this for years because I have always pulled in people's negative energy, which made me exhausted, unfocused, or grumpy. (A lot of children are Indigo Children. They are susceptible and easily upset because their bodies are trying to heal everyone. This is useful for them.) 

Ways to strengthen your aura:
-  Meditate – it calms the mind, therefore calming the body

-  Be out in nature, even if it's your backyard or on your balcony

-  Use sea salts for bathing or dip your feet in water every day
-  Stay away from electromagnetic fields as much as possible. (Turn off wi-fi in the house for a few         hours) This will lower energy in the home which tends to make us nervous and unfocused

 Stay positive
     Remind yourself and your children about the positive things you are thankful for.

91 - Perfect Feel Good Activity for Group Work at School, Church, Job or for the Family

      Quite a few years ago, I watched a T.V. show where Vietnam veterans were interviewed about what helped them to survive during the war. Two vets who were interviewed shared some difficult times. One saw his friend die right in front of him, and the other said at times, he would become so depressed that he wished he was dead because he was so tired of seeing so much blood and atrocities that occurred there. Both men, at times, would fall into depression, sure he'd never make it home. But then one of the vets pulled this piece of paper out of his wallet and read it. His voice caught, and then he shared, "This list is what helped me stay alive during my lowest times." The second vet followed suit and read his list. Both men had had the same teacher but in different years.

     Here's the assignment his class was given, which every human being as young as first grade should do:  (The assignment might have to be broken down into steps and suggestions written on the board for the younger children.) Supplies needed: paper and a pencil or pen.

1. If the class has 35 students, the teacher assigns each person a number from one to seven. Then all the 'ones' meet in one area, the twos, etc.:

2. The teacher had each student write his/her name at the top of the paper and then have each student pass their paper to the right. That individual writes down two to three positive things about that student, and then the paper is handed to the right again to another student in that circle. (They do not write their name down of who made the comments.)  NO REPEAT COMMENTS ARE ALLOWED, and NO NEGATIVE COMMENTS. After everyone writes their comments, new groups are formed, trying not to repeat any groups.

 3. The teacher decides how many different groups to create, depending on the time. I usually wrote the numbers on the board, 1's and 3's meet in one group, and I would gesture where to move to, 2" and 7's, etc.:   (I did this a few times. ) I reassigned groups, and they moved to new seats.

4. Once the students have moved to a few different groups, they return to their seats and read the comments that their fellow students had written. (It depends on how much time you have allotted for this assignment, but if the kids could move to five different groups, that would allow 15 comments.)

   Some kids asked, 'Wonder if I don't like the person, what am I supposed to write?" I reminded them that everyone has a few good qualities, whether it's because they are athletic, musical, funny, friendly, have nice hair, etc.;  (I taught high school, so I had to remind my students no sexual remarks.) 

     I smiled as I watched my students read what the other students had written. This exercise made them feel good about themselves.  

     The kids really enjoyed this exercise, and the parents at Parent Conferencing shared that their teens read the list to their families. I bet this activity would also be perfect for the whole family. As a family, often times we are so busy that we forget to slow down and share our child's or spouse's strengths.

     

108 - My Guilt and Depression Held My Dead Son's Spirit Earthbound

     
      “Open your eyes slowly,” the shaman uttered softly.  

      This peaceful world cradled me, chanting for me to stay. There were no demands here: no one asking me what’s for dinner, how I was doing,  or me worrying about what lesson I was going to teach the next day.  No glued-on smile, pretending I was okay. Here in this serene world, I could hide from my pain.  But I knew I had to face another day. whether I wanted t or not. After a few seconds, I slid my eye mask off and willed myself to open my eyes. The dim rays of sunlight shot through the high windows which felt like spotlights.  I blinked a few times, trying to get used to the light.

     My petite shaman shared a few things that I can't remember because I was still in a daze, except I remember she told me that she lent me her horse so I should journey with it to help me heal. And then with a serious face, she said, "Tina, you need to release son’s soul."  
     Something grabbed my intestines and yanked them up tightly.  At a Reiki workshop, a month earlier, Rosemary, the teacher, had told me I had to release all of Kyle’s soul, so he could advance, and if I didn’t, I could become extremely ill.  I thought I had released him, but I guess my guilt and depression pulled my son back in, thinking he could help me. 

https://www.google.com/search?q=negative+thoughts&sxsrf

     While the Shaman continued to explain the various things that I needed to do so I could heal, Kyle chattered away in my head, “Mom, you know you have to let me go.”

     With Amanda's voice in the background, I responded to him, "I know, but you have to know I’ll be all right. I can take care of myself, honestly. I'm doing much better. These next few days, we’re going to work on letting each other go."

      "But I don’t want to… I want to make sure you’re not going to grieve anymore," he quietly said, in a sad voice. I could feel his confusion in his voice. Maybe like me, he was afraid once his spirit totally passed to the other side, the heavens, he wouldn't be able to talk to me. 

      I reminded him that I’m grieving less and less each month.  After a few seconds of silence, he said, "I'm happy that your relationship with dad has become stronger."  There was another pause. "I have to go soon."

     My heart skipped a couple of beats as I wasn’t sure what that meant. Maybe the dolphins were calling him…. (another healing I had done with this Shaman trying to get Kyle to let go of this earthly plane and of me) Or was he going to disappear, and I'd never be able to talk to him again? I expelled the air I had captured in my lungs. Cut it out, Tina, I said to myself. Stop thinking about what you want. This will be healthier for both of us. I have to trust that Amanda and Rosemary know what they're talking about, that Kyle and I still can communicate with each other. “We’ll do our ceremony on Sunday. Okay? It’s time for both of us to totally let go.”

     “I love you so much, mom.” For the first time, I could actually feel the emotion in his voice; he was almost in tears. Many times during his drug days, he would say that line, and it sounded empty or it felt as if he was saying it to make me think that he was alright.

     “I know. I love you too.” I whispered. I paid the Shaman and thanked her, still unclear about what she had suggested that I do because Kyle and I had been talking.  I got into my car and started driving home.      

        

 Kyle fought schizophrenia and Bi-polar II, by taking codeine and later, heroin which took his life                                                                      

     “Mom?"

     "Yea."

     "I love dad too. I now know why he was tough on me. He was trying to guide me to make the right decisions, and think of the consequences. He was so scared for me. I can really feel and understand that now. I wish I could have understood it then.” Again his emotions were so strong as if he really did, for the first time, comprehend what his father must have felt raising him. I wondered why he could understand his father's fear now.

     “I wish you could also have, but maybe you weren’t supposed to learn that yet,” I sadly stated. “I’ll tell him what you said, Okay?

    “Thanks. Remember, I’m still here for you, just like all your other relatives who you’re now talking to you. You won’t forget?”

     “I won’t ever forget, ever.”  (I had spoken to my brother, Alex after he passed away for over a year, and then I had stopped because I had thought that I had missed him so much that I was making up our conversations.) 

      Unconsciously, I realized I was holding on to a part of him in fear that I was going to lose communication with him.  It took me about a week until I felt I was strong enough to tell him it was okay for his spirit to go to the other side. I decided the ceremony would occur on June 12th, the day before our daughter's birthday.  

     I stood outside in our garden and looked up at the sky.   Yes, I cried a little bit, and my body shook as I said, "I totally release you, Kyle Boivin, to the heavens where you belong."  I was still petrified that we weren't going to be able to communicate once he passed to the other side, but  I knew I had to let him go because I didn’t want to be responsible for holding him back in his development.   There are so many ways of releasing a soul. 

    I  learned that our son is always with me when I need to talk to him. Yes, it's a little more difficult to reach him and now he sounds far away. But I also learned as the years marched on, we have less and less to talk about because our lives are very different. Yes, he still gives me an occasional lecture, or I feel his energy pop in, but it wasn't like it used to be the first seven years, and that's okay.

Blog 32 and blog 43 explain specific ways of releasing a loved one or a spirit that you are extremely attached to or worried about.

 

   

107 A Powerful Technique to Pull you Out of a Trauma Moment or Depression

      'Inner Child Work,' also known as 'Healing the Child Within' or 'Shadow Work', is a technique where you work with your inner child. I know it sounds a bit out there, but this technique is a powerful tool to help pull you out of a trauma moment, a time where you feel alone, depressed, or about to react angrily to a situation or after you just experienced one. 

      This technique can be done either by yourself or with a therapist to resolve the negative childhood emotions and experiences your body insists on holding onto, as well as harness the joy, innocence, and confidence that you deserve. I find this technique very useful.

What is 'inner child work'?

      All of us slip into childlike behavior every once in a while, especially if one of our buttons is pushed. Maybe you get angry because your wife prepared a special dinner, but it happens to be a similar recipe your father forced you to eat even though you hated it. Or your husband is about to go on a work-related trip, and you flashback to when your father packed his bags and never returned to the house. 

    Inner child work helps you access the child you once were, along with the experiences and emotions that the child was taught to repress. If you make an effort to listen to, communicate with, and nurture your inner child, you can discover the roots of your issues as an adult and heal them.
    If you find yourself depressed or unable to create, ask your little self what she/he needs. When I'm working on my memoir, sometimes I feel frozen, unable to use descriptive words. I realize that my little self doesn't feel safe, so I ask her what age she is and what she needs to feel safe. Sometimes it's a flower, and other times it's a fluffy bear. Then I ask her to go outside and play while I'm writing, and I see her walking outdoors with her bear. When I finish, I bring her back in. It sounds a bit weird, but it works.

What issues can inner child work help you with?

 -   childhood abuse – emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse

-    depression and anxiety

-    anger management issues

-    passive-aggressive behavior

-    low self-esteem

-    abandonment issues and borderline personality disorder (BPD)

-    emotional numbness

-    self-sabotage

-    self-criticism

-    relationship difficulties

-    codependency and powerlessness.

Inner child work might take the form of:

 - dialoguing (talking) with your inner child who might need just a stuffed bear or a BigMac

 -  journaling with your inner child's voice

 - meditating to get in touch with your inner child

 - hugging or talking to a pillow, doll, or stuffed toy that might have been your favorite when you were little. Or go out and buy a doll or stuffed animal that reminds you of one you owned when you were younger. Or pick a four-leaf clover or a unique key chain that makes you feel strong.

 - learning to 'parent' yourself (nurture and care for yourself).

 - ask a relative who has passed or ask an angel to be beside you when processing your anger or hurt so you feel safe. 

You will:

- remember repressed memories that are holding you back from a goal or that has made you react

- stop feeling numb/frozen and be able to feel again

- gain the ability to set boundaries

- feel self-compassion

- enjoy life more and have fun again

- gain self-confidence.

   Working with the inner child is not about unearthing everything your parents did 'wrong' and becoming angry with them. But it is a technique where you honor your feelings of loneliness, being misunderstood, judged, or mistreated. These emotions need to be processed, but with this comes the recognition that you are no longer that child. You have more personal power and a mature perspective. You might find that after a period of allowing yourself to feel anger and sadness towards others, you find new understanding and compassion, able to see that others are not perfect and have their own unmet needs to struggle with.

   I encourage you to work with a professional, but even I couldn't get into a therapist whenever I needed one, so I was thankful that I had a few tools to help me crawl out of my slump. I guarantee that you will feel better if you don't rush through the activity.

Further information and some excellent exercises to help you heal:

https://lonerwolf.com/inner-child-work/ 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfNc8J1fYHQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yoUxv4mgFs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ziqpm0mI2EI

106 - A Funny Memory of An Incident Which Occurred When my Son was in Elementary School

      As usual, I picked Kyle, our son up from elementary school. The minute he climbed into the car and clasped himself into his car seat, he wiggled around as if his underwear was too tight.  "Kyle, what’s wrong?” I asked.

     He furrowed his eyebrows and squirmed even more. I wondered what had happened at school that made him anxious but waited patiently. My first grader fiddled with his seatbelt. “You’re going to get mad at me.” He gave a dramatic pause. “We were coloring and...and... I drew a penis on my dinosaur, so my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.”

      I lassoed that giggle down and cleared my throat. “Kyle, that’s an inappropriate thing to have drawn at school. Let’s not do that again. Okay?” A soft giggle started at the base of my throat and slowly worked its way up. Then I realized I can’t let him know that this is funny or he’s going to do it again.  I pursed my lips to suppress my laugh.

I still can't picture it, can you?

     “Okay,” he replied, still sounding upset.

      “Kyle, I’m not mad. Things like that happen sometimes. But now you know you shouldn’t draw things like that at school.” I watched as his facial muscles relaxed. But internally, I was pissed. Why did his teacher have to overreact? Kids are kids. I’m sure all he needed was his teacher to tell him that it was not okay, but she didn't have to send him to the principal’s office. I wanted to leave a message for her to call me, but I decided to wait until the following day, so I could cool down.

      At the dinner table, we were laughing about something when I decided to share Kyle’s artistic experience, thinking Alan would find it funny since he was a guy, but Alan’s face became stoic, and his voice lowered. “Kyle, you know better than that. I’m very disappointed in you.” 

      I rushed in to save him. “Alan, it was an accident.”

     “It sounds like he was trying to get attention. Don’t do that again.” Alan scooped up a spoonful of ice cream.

      “Okay.”  Kyle's eyes lowered as if he, too, were disappointed in himself.  

      “Gagi.” Nicole sang out,our three-year-old daughter interrupting the silence.  She held out her spoon, offering him a scoop of ice cream. I wonder if she was trying to lighten the mood. 

     “No, thank you, Nikki.” He had declined since he had his own sitting in front of him, untouched.
   

    I changed my mind about calling Mrs. Border, his teacher when the next day Kyle handed me a piece of paper in regards to an Open House the following week.  I decided to wait until then to talk to his teacher in person. 

     Tons of parents were in the room, but few kids. The school had asked for families to get daycare, if possible.  There was hardly a seat left in that room. Mrs. Bordier had jet black hair and her skin always looked as if she was a sun worshipper. She asked us to find our child’s folder and go ahead and sit down and look through it. After a few minutes, she stood in front of the class and shared what the kids were learning and how we could help them. Then she started walking around talking to the parents individually about the work that was in their portfolio. Some parents had to excuse themselves as they had to visit other classrooms.  I waited patiently because I wanted to talk to her about the penis incident when there were fewer people around. (Alan had stayed home to watch our kids.)

     Mrs. Bordier stood by me with this huge smile. "I'm impressed with how well Kyle is doing in class this year. “He’s matured a lot.” (She had had him as a kindergartner a few years earlier.)

      I stood up to discuss the penis problem, but she bubbled into the next sentence. “Last week I had passed out various photocopies of prehistoric animals so the students could color them, and in a few minutes, I heard an explosion of laughter and giggles. There was a circle of kids surrounding Kyle. I hurried over and took the photocopy from him. He had decided to add an appendage to his dinosaur. I didn't know what to say, so I sent him to the Principal’s office."

     “Yes, Kyle had told me.” Since I was a teacher also, I was just about to tell her what she should have done, but she continued.

     “I shouldn’t have sent him out. Instead, I should have told the class maybe that’s why dinosaurs became extinct; not all of them had a peepee. ( Honestly, I can't remember what she called it. Mrs. Bordier was much like me as a teacher. She might have said penis.) "That was a teaching moment that I let pass by because I had overreacted.”      

      I smiled, remembering how easy it was sometimes not to deal with the problem and just get the student out of the room because you’re trying to teach a lesson. “Thank you.  I know how hard it is to think on the cuff. I make plenty of mistakes in the classroom and have to go back and correct them or apologize.”  She was already a fabulous teacher in my family’s eyes. She didn't expect her young students to sit quietly while they were doing their work and often times allowed them to work with others as long as they were working. Mrs. B. accepted everyone on their individual level. And she accepted my child with his easy to frustrate personality  Admitting to her mistake only placed her higher on the rung of perfection.

     The following morning I shared with Kyle what his teacher had said and he beamed. “She already apologized to me in class.”  Well, that impressed me even more.

     That’s one of the things my high school students complained about, that teachers don’t apologize when they make a mistake. But there are so many other qualities that some teachers don't have which blow me away: They don't like kids.  How can someone choose a profession and yet not like them? It was obvious that Mrs.Bordier not only loved kids and teaching, but she was confident in herself, that when she made a mistake, she could  admit to it. She taught these kids a life lesson.