I sat outside on the patio of our house typing a letter to a dear friend, answering her questions about who was helping us set up our son's funeral. Our West Highland Terrier, Topper, snuggled close to my feet. Normally the cool spring night air would have been too nippy for me to sit outside without a jacket, but when you feel dead inside, one can’t feel the dampness in the air.
My girlfriend, Nancy, had lost her daughter a year earlier to a drug overdose. Nadia was my personal angel who constantly pulled me out of the quicksand time and time again, morning, noon, until late night; she was there to listen to my woes. Now, I sat outside typing, answering her questions in an e-mail regarding the funeral we were setting up for our son, Kyle, and for the second time, something bizarre occurred with the keys on my computer.
Monday, August 23, 2010 6:15 PM
Dear Nadia,
Yes, Alan typed up the pr gram f r Kyle’s mem rial, we decided n the place and wh w uld be helping, etc; Family is c ming in t m rr w. ( kay, t day __ is missing. This c mputer thing is pissing me ff!! (Right now, I just placed a line where the ‘o’ should be so it would be easier to read.) Yesterday, the w_rds ran all t_gether with the letter ‘n’ missing, this made it difficult t_ read. Alan says he’ll buy me a new c_mputer f_r Christmas. I menti_ned that maybe it was Kyle d_ing it as a prank to let me kn_w he’s near but y_u kn_w Alan, he r_lled his eyes.
This weekend is even m_re depressing because we’re setting up stuff for Kyle’s mem_rial. Alan’s br_ther- in- law will be setting up pictures after Alan and I ch__se them. My little
br__ ther, James, has ch_sen s_me heart wrenching s_ngs and Alan has picked a few that he likes. Alan’s sisters are _rganizing and _rdering the fl_wers. And me, I’m d_ing n_thing. I can’t even feel anything. I feel t_tally dead inside, s_ h_ow can I make any decisi__ns. I’m t_tally useless.
Nic_le is c_ming to her br_ther’s funeral only if we agree t_ stay in the building. Still refuses t_ talk t_ us _r see us. I kn_w she has s_ many mixed em_ti_ns, anger f_r us n_t being the perfect parents. Life wasn’t easy in this h_use with a mentally ill kid and parents wh_ didn’t kn_w what t_ d_ . I pray time will heal her pain. We miss her s_ much!!! I kn_w she had t_ leave this h_use to survive and to heal. I can’t wait t_ hear her laugh, it tingled like Canterbury Bells in a s_ft wind.
Maybe Kyle’s spirit has c_ntr_l _f my c_mputer. Can spirits d_ that? N_thing was wr_ng with this c_mputer bef_re Kyle passed, h_nest. Kyle was such a c_mputer wiz. It would be ir_nic that he w_uld decide to communicate with me this way. Maybe it’s his way of saying, “Hi! I’m here.” Whoa… I just noticed the ‘O’ is back. No sticking, nothing. Is it because I finally recognized that he was making my computer act up? Oh, my God, this is so coooooool!! I’m touched. He wants to make sure that I know he’s with me. Okay, there go those stupid alligator tears. This is soooo crazy!
Take care,
TINA
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