77 - How can we teach our children to handle mistakes and how can we teach them to be responsible?

  

 Judging self or your family members only does damage.

     All too often we judge ourselves harshly when we make a mistake.  We get mad at ourselves, and if we have children, they pick up on this feeling whether you express it verbally, physically or internally. Some kids are so sensitive that they pick up on our negative feelings, and misinterpret them as us being angry with them.
   Our children learn from us. Don’t judge or get angry, often times difficult to do, and even more challenging to teach children. Making mistakes teaches integrity and often times these stumbling blocks gives us an opportunity to look at something from different angles and allows us to think about how to do something differently. Rarely, do we reach our goal on the first try, so why do we expect perfection from ourselves, our children or our partner?                                

Do not judge yourself, your partner or your child when a mistake is made.

    So when your daughter spills her juice on the floor for the 10th time that month, don’t focus on the mistake or the mess which will make her feel bad. Your reaction and your reprimand will taint the way your child feels about herself. More than likely, your child already feels upset about the accident because she knows what should have occurred based on what has been routine already. Most human beings are extremely sensitive so they can feel a judgment even if you don’t state it. Don’t think it. It’s a waste of energy. If you do say something negative to yourself say, “Cancel, cancel” in your head.  And if you say a negative comment out loud, apologize to the person and cancel it mentally.  

 (BLOG #  56   “What happens when you judge yourself or others”)
 https://othersideofloss.blogspot.com/2018/06/56-judging-yourself-and-others-is.html

    Maybe your child took too much silverware out of the drawer while trying to help set the table and he dropped them all on the floor. While helping him rinse them off, ask what he thinks would have helped him not to drop them. Don’t give him the answer; you’re trying to make him think for himself. If he doesn’t have a clue, then you can tell him.

 When a child or partner makes a mistake, say, “That’s interesting.”  (Obviously, this won’t fit every occasion.)

   Let’s say your child was playing the guitar. She’s practicing a particular song for her next lesson, except she plays a wrong chord.   What if, instead of immediately correcting her, you say, “That’s interesting.” Maybe you can use the error as an opportunity to create a different sequence. Or work on how to use that bit she created in another piece.  Yes, ultimately you’ll have to show her the correct chord and progression so she will be able to play the song correctly. But instead of zeroing in on her mistake immediately, you’ve taken away that judgment and taught her there are other possibilities.

Admit your own mistakes

   We won’t send the message to our children or even to our spouse that mistakes are okay to make if we deny the ones we do make. Instead, fess up each time you make one.  Your mistakes can be as simple as tripping up a step, or making a mess when you dropped a dish on the floor or apologizing to your child or spouse for yelling.

    You can also describe times in your life when you made mistakes. While you don’t want to glorify them, you can mention a few of the simpler ones, so your child doesn’t feel alone.

   Admitting our mistakes shows that everyone makes them. However, they don’t define who we are. Rather, we can use them to our advantage by learning from them.

 You can’t rescue children from all their mistakes.

     You’ve asked your child to pick up the toys from the floor, but he forgets and Lester, the family dog, comes in and rips your child’s favorite bear to smithereens.  After your child stops crying and telling the dog that he hates him, what do you do?   

     Do you buy your child a replacement? That’s a BIG,” No!” By rescuing your child from his mistake, you don’t make him accountable. When we rescue our children from their mistakes, we deny them an opportunity to learn a lesson. Why would your child keep his room clean if he knows that it won’t matter because he’ll receive a replacement toy?

   Instead, hold your child accountable. Ask him why the dog chewed up his toy and what should have been done so the dog wouldn’t have destroyed his toy. Make clean up a part of your child's routine.

   We won’t be able to (nor should we) rescue our kids from life’s disappointments. Teaching them how to cope and learn from mistakes is a much more valuable tool than saving them each time.  Honest, I do have friends that are still rescuing their adult children. I used to do the same thing with my son and by his 8th car accident, I stopped feeling sorry for him and stopped paying for his repairs. It infuriated him at first and then I told him he's an adult and I'm not always going to be around. He has to figure out what to do.

 Teach your child to find the reason behind his mistake

    Making a mistake is our best teacher whether we are an adult or a child.  Why?  Because whether the reason for the mistake is obvious or we have to dig deep to find out the reason it happened, it should make him slow down and ask where he went wrong.

   Maybe your child has been staring at her homework for fifteen minutes. That’s not going to do anything as the answer is not going to pop up. Instead, teach your child to analyze where the struggle began, why it happened and then she can correct it.

   Even in high school, my students forgot their French book or reading book for English.  Teach your child to prepare for school the night before.  YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DELIVER THE BOOK TO SCHOOL!  If every Tuesday is a reading day, have your child mark it in the calendar, (if she can’t write, have her place a specific sticker on the day a book needs to be brought.) Then the night before, remind her to look at the calendar, so she knows what book(s) to place in the backpack. Or buy your child some cute post-its (I wish I would have invented those…then I’d be rich.) She can stick it on her backpack, refrig. or front door.

    Mistakes are inevitable. And every single person on this planet probably makes at least one or two errors every day. The important thing is to see them as a learning tool and not to get angry, ashamed or embarrassed at yourself, your partner or your child. Mistakes teach us lessons about ourselves. What’s nice is that we can keep correcting our errors over and over until we finally get it right.

6 Picture Books About Learning From Mistakes   (I used children’s books in high school to introduce a theme in a novel. The teens loved them!)

  An Orange for Frankie, by Patricia Polacco. ...

  A Pair of Red Clogs, by Masako Matsuno and Kazue Mizumura. ...

  The Quiltmaker's Journey, by Jeff Brumbeau and Gail de Marcken. ...

  One, by Kathryn Otoshi. ...

  The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes, by Mark Pett and Gary Rubinstein.