The problem usually starts small: your sister places you on hold so she can take a call from her boyfriend and then forgets you’re waiting for her and disgusted, you hang up. A few weeks later your sister forgets she had promised to babysit the kids and after you call her to remind her, she arrives late, so you’re half an hour late for your appointment.
Finally, these disappointments and wounded feelings build up over time, mounting on top of the hurts from childhood until one day you can’t bear to talk to her. Sadly, that one day turns into a month, six months, a year, and then years pass by. Your sister has tried to reach out, but nothing seems to reconnect your relationship. She has sent apology letters; she’s even called and left an apology on your cell phone a few times and sent you Christmas gifts and birthday cards. You finally give your sibling a lot of space, but still, your sister is unwilling to forgive you. What can be done?
I remember hearing the following story in a Sunday service about two ex-prisoners of war who had met after many years. One of them asked, “Have you forgiven your captors yet?”
“No, never.” the second man answered.
The first man replied, “Then, you are still their prisoner.”
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you forgive what she/he did or that it was okay that you were disrespected. It means that you accept that the individual who hurt you is a human being who makes mistakes. Mending a relationship takes time, hard work, forgiveness, patience, and compassion.
It’s hard to forgive. When I lost my son to a heroin overdose, at first I blamed my husband and then myself for his demise. And yet, this is the first thing you need to do. Forgive. When I’m practicing Reiki, a natural healing modality; on someone, this is one of the things that often pop up, anger. Resentment gets stuck in the body and causes illnesses.
SOME SUGGESTIONS THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO MOVE FORWARD:
1. You have to let go of your jealousy, anger, or vindictiveness. No, it doesn’t mean what your sibling, friend, parents or partner did to you was okay. Having the ability to forgive is powerful. It can lead to a healthier body and mind, and it will give you back a part of yourself that had been missing for a long time.
2. It doesn’t really matter who’s right or wrong because the primary goal is to mend your relationship. See the other person’s positive traits. Remind yourself that you are human too and make mistakes. Usually, there are more positive qualities than negative: Maybe your sister donates her time to a nearby homeless shelter, or she takes in foster children. You are the bigger person. You make the first move. A relationship with family members is important. Even if your sibling or parent cannot give himself or herself exactly what you'd like in a relationship, accept and love what can be given.
3. When you talk, try to see the other side of the story. Listen without making any comments or excuses. Keep in mind that the other person probably has some points you need to consider.
4. When you reach out, first remind the individual that you love her/him so much and that it pains you that your relationship has suffered. Tell him/her that you want to fix things and understand his/her side of the issue(s). Remind her that their fight does not alleviate your love for her. Apologize if you need to, even if you think the other person is wrong.
5. The source of the conflict might not even be about what you think it is, so try to identify the real issue. There might be so many issues that come up, or perhaps you’re presuming the wrong problem. Instead, slow yourself down. Feel and observe what your sister/friend or spouse is feeling. Listen to his/her fears, needs, expectations, etc. Don’t be afraid to ask questions to clarify any confusion. Listen intently while he/she tells her side of the story and explains how your behavior had upset her. Do not react.
6. Watch what you say and how you say it. You are trying to diffuse a previous conflict, not start a new one. Stay calm and use words to diffuse the conflict:
“What I hear you saying is…” “Ok, you have a point.”
“I’m wondering if…” “I now understand.”
“I see what you mean.” “May you repeat that?”
“Tell me more about that.” “I can see how that would upset you.”
7. If your family member refuses to talk to you, give her space, and try to contact her again from time to time. Don’t be resentful of all the effort you’re putting into trying to mend your relationship. Every person is an individual, and everyone is on their own time schedule.
8. Another alternative might be that you both attend a few therapy sessions together. If you are at each other’s throats or can’t pinpoint the issue, a therapist can help by giving you tools to improve your relationship. Do not go to the same therapist that you’ve been going to for yourself, choose a different one.
9. Do not talk to your children about any issues that you are having with their aunt. Let them know you are working on solving the problem, and it has nothing to do with them. Make sure that you tell them that you love them and are there for them. (Remember, children are extremely sensitive, and even though they may not understand the words, they pick up on the energy and will sometimes become moody or distant. Keep on top of this.)
10. Whether you are having problems with a friend or a relation, it’s emotionally draining, which could make you sick. If trying to reconnect places too much stress on you or any interaction is continuously painful, you might have to set some boundaries. Take a break and get into counseling. Sometimes the feelings you have might relate to issues that your mom and dad had and might have nothing to do with you and your sister. No matter how much we want to solve the problem, sometimes the other person is not ready, but at least you’ve made an attempt.
Jack Kornfield writes: “Practicing forgiveness, we may go through stages of grief, rage, sorrow, fear, and confusion." As we let our self feel the pain we still hold onto, once you forgive, it comes as a relief as you release the anger and pain from our heart. "Forgiveness acknowledges that no matter how much we may have suffered, we will not put another human being out of our heart.”
As a healer, I cannot tell you how many people I have worked on who are angry and are unable to forgive an individual that has hurt them. This anger festers over time and becomes stuck in the body, causing significant diseases. If you want to regain your mental or physical health, it is imperative to forgive. Each person on this planet is here to learn different lessons. Do not expect your spouse or friend to be where you are. Love, accept, and forgive.
As a healer, I cannot tell you how many people I have worked on who are angry and are unable to forgive an individual that has hurt them. This anger festers over time and becomes stuck in the body, causing significant diseases. If you want to regain your mental or physical health, it is imperative to forgive. Each person on this planet is here to learn different lessons. Do not expect your spouse or friend to be where you are. Love, accept, and forgive.
Mayo Clinic. 2011. Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131 (accessed July 20, 2012).
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hello, thank you for leaving a comment.