43 - Cutting ties with your children helps them to develop into their full potential - Flower Technique

  Any flowers will do....

    This Flower Technique is useful for cutting emotional ties with an individual whom you worry about or make judgments about due to their behavior or their decisions. If it's a child you are concerned about, you want them to develop to their full potential and live their own lives with at least some of the bumps in the road or potholes. How would they learn if they didn't make a few mistakes? A mother or father’s worries keep their child tied to them on a soul level, and this isn’t healthy because the child feels their worry and judgments. This method will also help release the guilt of not being a perfect parent, friend, etc.

      I drove to Amanda,  a Shaman, up here in Topanga Cyn. to rid myself of the blame for not being a perfect parent to Nicole. I obsessed with trying to help Kyle be happy that often I wasn’t there for her. Amanda shared, “For Nicole to fully develop into who she’s supposed to be, you must release the tiny bit of her soul you’re still holding. Only then will she return.” (Nicole had already left home.)  I was shocked because I had made a considerable effort to release her through Emotion Freedom Therapy, but I guess my mommy’s guilt still held onto her.

     A few days after I saw Amanda, I felt strong enough to follow her suggestion. I  bought some maroon Gerber Daisies a week earlier, so I grabbed a handful from the vase, hooked Topper, our Westie, up to his leash, and walked. I tied him to the fence bordering Topanga State Park, walked in, and stood under the shade of a beautiful large leaning oak. With each comment, I laid a flower down and whispered, “I release your soul, Nicole Elyse Boivin, so you can become your own individual and walk your own path. I release my guilt, fears, and motherly duties so you can be a complete individual. I love you so much and know you will soon be a part of your dad’s and my life.” Then I listed the qualities that I love about her. I kissed the rest of the flowers, laid them down, and walked away crying like a big baby. It took a while for my heart to stop pitter-pattering in fear that I had cut my ties so she wouldn’t feel connected and never return. About fifteen minutes later, the anvil stuck in my heart for so long had melted away.

     Remember, these words are my words. Your heart will tell you what to say. Afterward, your heart might feel a bit empty because that worry and guilt have taken up so much space. Give yourself time to heal. Remind yourself you did the best you could, and your child will do fine without worrying. They will feel free because, believe it or not, they can feel your judgments and trepidation.

     If you are a male and flowers are too girly for you, lit a candle. Alan felt a tremendous amount of guilt for not protecting his daughter. He said his own beautiful words in honor of her and released her. He blew the candle out and buried it. (If you can’t bury it, throw it away.)

42 - Even though my daughter was a toddler, she deserved to be listened to and her feelings respected

 

    Nicole sat happily in the shopping cart which I had placed near a circular clothing rack at Ross Department Store. The cart was only a few feet away from me, so I talked to Nicole about the cute, colorful clothes I saw because I had read the more you speak to your child, the faster he/she will speak. Of course, that hadn’t happened so far because Kyle, her older brother, always felt like it was his job to speak for her, so Nicole didn’t talk much at 18 months. I rifled through the colorful dresses but didn’t find anything, so I walked across the aisle to rummage through some nearby racks of clothing.

     The room was dark, so it was difficult to see, but my eyes adjusted.  I looked above, and a few lights had burned out. Finally, I  found two darling rayon dresses with lace around the neck and arms, so I tossed them into the cart. I walked to the racks on the opposite side of the room for a few seconds and then glanced over at Nicole. Somehow she had crawled out of the child seat into the cart without hurting herself.  Nicole was such a clumsy little girl. She used to bump into walls, doors, and chairs because she moved so fast, something she probably learned from me. 

     “Nicole,” I said as I rushed to her. “How did you crawl out of the seat?”  Yes, shoot me, I’m guilty, I had not placed the little seat belt around her tummy. I was shocked she had crawled down from the seat into the cart because she had never tried it before nor had she once crawled out of her crib, something Kyle often did.

    One of my chosen frilly blue dresses lay on the ground. Nicole grabbed the other dress with a balled-up fist and tossed it over the edge. “No, no, no,” she punctuated each word, reprimanding me as if I was a naughty girl. 

    “Nicky…” I said, a little perturbed. I walked around to the other side of the cart and scooped the dresses up off the floor. Just as I stood up, I saw one of her chubby legs dangling over the edge of the shopping cart searching for a sturdy hold.  Oh, shit, I thought, she’s going to fall. I dashed to the other side of the cart and guided her to the ground. “So you don’t like the dresses mommy chose for you?” Her loose corkscrew ringlets swung back and forth a few times as she nodded no.  Holding up the light green rayon dress with the lace around the neck, arms, and bodice, I said, “Are you sure you don’t want to try this on? It’s awfully pretty.” I dragged out the last two words. My eyebrows rose as I smiled hoping to at least talk her into trying it on. "It would look so pretty on you."

      “No. No.” She emphasized the last ‘no’ just in case I didn’t understand English or maybe she possibly thought I was deaf. 

      I looked at one of my choices. It was so cute.  I'll buy just one of them, I thought. She'd look so cute in it.  No, I need to accept her choice even if she's a little girl. I took a deep breath.  “Okay, I guess no frilly stuff for you."

     “Okay, okay, I'll return them.” When I walked over to the rack, I noticed that the lace was rougher than what I remembered when I was a kid a billion years ago. Now the lace was probably made out of synthetic thread which is stiffer than the linen or cotton lace used in the 50's.  Wah….(That’s me crying.) I returned my choices. Maybe I’ll still buy her one of them, I thought. I took the green dress off the pole. She'd look so cute in this.

     She had walked over to the dresses and grabbed different ones in the balls of her hand, then let go and moved down the line. She must be feeling for texture. Can a little girl be that smart? Well, mine was. Once she found one she liked, she pulled at the dress a couple times trying to get it off the hanger.

     “Let mommy help, or you’re going to rip it.” Before I could toss it into the cart,  she had pulled it out of my hands and clutched it to her body tightly as if she thought it was going to grow a pair of legs and run off.  I laughed, realizing what she was doing.  She liked the soft material. Well, that just taught me something, she's a tactile girl. She held her arms up so I could place her back in the basket. She had chosen a warm raspberry dress with a medium-colored purple three-inch border around the hem, neckline, and long sleeves. Some type of cute design was on the front, but I can't remember what it was.
     The color and dress weren’t my choice, and I was tempted to try and talk her out of it but kept my mouth shut, which was hard for Tina. "You chose a beautiful dress all by yourself.” She bobbed her curly head up and down with a smug look on her face. I wondered how she grabbed the right size because I didn’t guide her to a specific rack.

     I scooped down and returned her to the cart. She hugged her dress even tighter, possibly afraid I was going to abscond with it. I told her that we needed one more dress so I asked if I could pick one out and she nodded yes, as she hugged her new acquisition. I reminded myself no stiff material, no lace around the neck. I chose a couple of dresses, and we finally agreed upon one. It was a black and white checkered dress made out of a stiff taffeta material for the skirt and puffy sleeves.  But black velveteen was used for the bodice, with absolutely no lace around the neck; just three small pink roses decorated the bodice, and long, intricate lace bordered the bottom of the bodice, simple but beautiful. (I loved that dress so much that I kept it in hopes that I’ll be a grandma someday. As for the raspberry one, she wore it so much that it was dead by the time she grew out of it.)

     I rolled the cart up to the checkout stand while thinking, my little girl’s growing up. “Okay, Nicky, we have to let the nice lady ring your dresses up so I can pay for them.” I reached over to take them out of her clutch, but she clenched her fists tighter onto her prizes. Luckily, they weren’t fruit, or they would have been pureed.

     Her fixed stare and her thin, penciled lips reinforced how she felt. “No, no, no.” I felt as if I was being reprimanded.

     The red-headed cashier laughed. “Why don’t you rip the tags off? Then I can ring them up,” she suggested.

      I agreed and explained to Nicole what I was going to do.  Calmly she bobbed her head in approval. 

     “Looks like she really likes those dresses,” a heavy-set freckled lady said from behind me.

     “Yea, I’d say,” and then I proceeded to tell her what had happened.  

     “I guess she knows what she likes,” the cashier said as I paid for the dresses and the few other things that I had picked up for the house.

      Once I parked in the garage, I pulled my sleepy girl out of her car seat with the dresses that lay on her torso like a blanket.  She woke up as I walked into Alan’s office and he looked up from his desk and spun his seat around to face us. “Did my two favorite girls have fun?” Alan asked.  Nicole ran to him, and he picked her up and placed her on his lap. I told Alan the dress story, and he laughed that rich laugh that he has. Nicole held her dresses up to show him her prized possessions.
      “We have a very independent girl, don’t we?” He asked.  

     “We sure do,” I replied with a snicker.  And Nicole nodded her head briskly in agreement as if she understood exactly what her father had said. 

     It would have been easy for stubborn Tina to not have listened to my daughter and honored her request because I had a preconception of what Nicole should be wearing.  (She never was one of those lacy, frilly types.) I'm glad my daughter was opinionated and stubborn. She taught me that even if she was a toddler,  she deserved to be listened to and her feelings respected.

   

41 - Do you know in what areas you are intelligent?

    It was an eye-opener for me when I learned at a teacher workshop the Multiple Intelligence Theory which was created by  Harvard professor Howard Gardner. I was ecstatic!  Always, I had difficulty learning math and science, expecting myself to be like my twin. I knew I excelled in P.E., art, and music, but I wanted to do well in all my subjects without studying like crazy.  I realized that I needed to make my students aware of the eight intelligences and teach them that everyone has all eight but to varying degrees. Also, I needed to teach them some techniques which were conducive to their learning style that would allow them to learn faster.   
   My students were thankful when I taught them these lessons, and some asked if they could keep the material so they could go home and share the info with their families. A few students even came up after class and told me that they had always thought they were stupid but now realized they were smart in other areas.  This new knowledge helped me change some of my lesson plans so students could do various projects in their strongest modality.  The Multiple Intelligence Theory supports the thought that one approach to learning does not work for all students.  

    Maybe as a parent with young children, especially those who have kids that have been identified with learning problems, autism, A.D.D., A.D.H.D., etc., or a parent who homeschools, understanding this theory can help your child feel more comfortable with the specific way he/she learns and realize that he/she has strengths in specific areas. As a parent, there are many sites relating to this subject to help you incorporate the different styles of learning into a lesson.

Types of Multiple Intelligence:  

1.   Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence - uses the body to convey feelings and ideas, has good hand-eye coordination, and motor skills are more advanced than the average person's 

2.  Interpersonal Intelligence  -  the ability to recognize and understand people's desires, intentions, moods, emotions, and motivations

3.  Intrapersonal intelligence  - the capacity to be self-aware and in tune with inner feelings, values, beliefs, and thinking processes

4.   Logical-Mathematical Intelligence -  refers to the ability to make calculations, develop equations, and solve abstract problems easily

5.  Musical intelligence – the ability to recognize and produce rhythm, tone, pitch, and timber 

6.   Naturalistic intelligence  -  the ability to both identify and distinguish between different types of animals, plants, or other things in nature

7.  Verbal-Linguistic Intelligence  -  has well-developed verbal skills and is sensitive to the meaning of words, easily analyzes information and produces work that includes written and oral language including books, speeches, and emails

8.   Visual-Spatial Intelligence - comprehends graphical information such as maps and thinks in images and pictures, to visualize accurately and abstractly
 Everyone is smart!

   Multiple intelligence and learning styles are often confused as the same thing; however, the terms cannot be used interchangeably. Multiple intelligences represent the different intellectual abilities and learning styles that describe how a person actually approaches a range of tasks.  I was surprised that few teachers used this knowledge to teach their students different ways to learn things based on their intelligence.  

   For example, Nicole had difficulty memorizing her spelling words when she was little, and yet our little girl could hear a song and hum it or sing it, so I had her spell out her words to her favorite Peter Paul and Mommy tape that her dad had made for her. After her initial 6-year-old giggles, she settled down and learned those words twice as fast, and the stress of trying to remember the order in the letters came in disappeared because she was concentrating on the tune.  

   And Kyle who was very physical hated memorizing anything, so I got him up out of the chair, and he moved around, sometimes karate chopping or kicking the air while he was memorizing.  Both kids loved spelling or practicing math by writing it in the air. As they got older, their confidence grew, and they didn’t need to use these techniques, but it sure gave them a feeling of confidence when they were young that they could memorize anything.

40 - My personal gripe - sorry vs. I'm sorry... It does make a difference

 

 

    When my children were attending elementary school, I suddenly noticed that they came home from school with a new way of saying something. No, it wasn't dirty, but it really really bugged me. Kyle was teasing his sister for something, and I told him to stop and apologize to her. He said, "Sorry." The word sounded empty. I don't know…  it just didn't sound like our son was accepting responsibility for his behavior, so I told him, "You need to say, 'I'm sorry."

    That word, 'I,' seemed extremely important.  I had never thought about this before, but now that I had young children, I wanted to make sure they understood why "I" was imperative to use. (I never remember where Alan or I rarely, and I said sorry.)

   I'm sorry means that you accept responsibility for making a mistake and are sorry for it. When you just say sorry, it honestly sounds as if you are saying it because you're supposed to,  and 

you aren't accepting that you made a mistake or hurt someone.

   Believe it or not, I went on a vendetta in my classroom, teaching my students my philosophy. Most of them got it, and others didn't, but they caught each other in the classroom. And at the following Parent Conference, a few parents thanked me.

   Years later, at the young age of 63, I learned I had made a few more mistakes when I wrote my first apology letter to my daughter, Nicole. See,  old lions (I'm a Leo) can learn new tricks. When you do something wrong, take responsibility for the action(s) or comment that was made. Seriously think about how the other person was affected, and apologize. And the most challenging part for me… don't give any excuses, as that diminishes the apology. When you include a 'but' in your apology, it sounds like you're not sincere. The individual hears you attempting to justify what you said or did, which sounds like an excuse for your behavior. This can result in even more resentment and animosity. You will not regain respect unless you admit to your mistake, nor will you heal some of the family tension. Try it. You might even feel better when you say I'm sorry.

 

 

39 - Children need to be children

      For some reason around the time my children were in their early teens, I fell into the trap of using them as my counselor.  Of course, I don’t remember my children jotting down my fury, nor did they spit out wise solutions. They sat and pretended to listen. Sometimes Kyle or Nicole would try to help me see their father’s side, but my metal window shutters were slammed shut. That was a horrible thing to do to my children.  There could have been so many teaching moments where I talked about the need to forgive or shared how I was trying to see their father's side. These are lessons that would have been worthwhile teaching. 

     Sadly, I learned that behavior from my mother many moons ago before I even considered having children. My parents always had a fiery relationship, but when I started 9^th grade, their fighting increased.   I remember my mother’s harsh words and her judgments toward my father. 

Your child cannot be your counselor.

    According to psychologists, confiding in your child on a regular basis can be damaging to their long-term emotional health.  Sharing your awful day occasionally won’t harm them, but sharing adult problems regularly, as if they were your best friend, forces them to take on adult roles.  Your children are not your therapist or confidant. Parents and caregivers must be at the top of the hierarchy in the family system, or children can get confused.  Children are not adults; therefore, you must filter your conversation.

     Psychologists believe that sharing adult concerns creates a significant amount of stress upon children because the parent has made their child responsible for looking after their emotional and psychological well-being, so the child holds back their needs, such as playing with children their own age. In addition, researchers found that children who were used as a therapist had an increased risk for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and substance abuse and had difficulty solving simple life problems.

       Author Gregory Jurkovic, in Lost Childhoods: The Plight of the Parentified Child, wrote: “that children who take on parental roles during their formative years are later plagued by interpersonal distrust, ambivalence, involvement in harmful relationships, and has a destructive sense of entitlement as adults.”

      Yes, it’s true that children who take on more adult-like roles can have positive outcomes, such as a strong work ethic, resiliency, and confidence.  But when taken to the extreme, kids can take their assumed responsibility for parenting and become anxious, trying to care of the unhappy parent and family. They end up compulsively overworking to juggle their responsibilities at school with their role of confidant at home. 

    Of course, it’s wonderful for parents to share what happened during the day with their beautiful children, but you have to think before you open your angry mouth and spew out things that are not age-appropriate, nor things that a child should have to be dealing with. Find a therapist.

38 - Finally, I accepted that our dead son was trying to communicate with me

   I sat outside on the patio of our house typing a letter to a dear friend, answering her questions about who was helping us set up our son's funeral.  Our West Highland Terrier, Topper, snuggled close to my feet. Normally the cool spring night air would have been too nippy for me to sit outside without a jacket, but when you feel dead inside, one can’t feel the dampness in the air.  

   My girlfriend, Nancy, had lost her daughter a year earlier to a drug overdose.  Nadia was my personal angel who constantly pulled me out of the quicksand time and time again, morning, noon, until late night; she was there to listen to my woes. Now, I sat outside typing, answering her questions in an e-mail regarding the funeral we were setting up for our son, Kyle, and for the second time, something bizarre occurred with the keys on my computer. 

 Again, something incredible happened

Monday, August 23, 2010 6:15 PM

Dear Nadia,

    Yes, Alan typed up the pr gram f r Kyle’s mem rial, we decided n the place and wh  w uld be  helping, etc;  Family is c ming in t m rr  w.  ( kay,  t day  __ is missing. This c mputer thing is pissing me  ff!!  (Right now, I just placed a line where the ‘o’ should be so it would be easier to read.) Yesterday, the w_rds ran all t_gether with the letter ‘n’ missing, this made it difficult t_ read.  Alan says he’ll buy me a new  c_mputer  f_r Christmas. I menti_ned that maybe it was Kyle d_ing it as a prank to let me kn_w he’s near but y_u kn_w Alan, he  r_lled his eyes. 

   This weekend is even m_re depressing because we’re setting up stuff for Kyle’s mem_rial. Alan’s br_ther- in- law will be setting up pictures after Alan and I ch__se them. My little

br__ ther, James, has ch_sen s_me heart wrenching s_ngs and Alan has picked a few that he likes. Alan’s sisters are _rganizing and _rdering the fl_wers.  And me, I’m d_ing n_thing. I can’t even feel anything. I feel t_tally dead inside, s_ h_ow can I make any decisi__ns. I’m t_tally useless.

   Nic_le is c_ming to her br_ther’s funeral only if we agree t_ stay in the building. Still refuses t_ talk t_ us _r see us. I kn_w she has s_ many mixed em_ti_ns, anger f_r us n_t being the perfect parents. Life wasn’t easy in this h_use with a mentally ill kid and parents wh_ didn’t kn_w what t_  d_ .  I pray time will heal her pain. We miss her s_ much!!! I kn_w she had t_ leave this h_use to survive and to heal. I can’t wait t_ hear her laugh, it tingled like Canterbury Bells in a s_ft wind. 

   Maybe Kyle’s spirit has c_ntr_l  _f my c_mputer. Can spirits d_ that? N_thing was wr_ng with this c_mputer bef_re Kyle passed, h_nest.  Kyle was such a c_mputer wiz. It would be ir_nic that he w_uld decide to communicate with me this way. Maybe it’s his way of saying, “Hi! I’m here.” Whoa… I just noticed the ‘O’ is back. No sticking, nothing. Is it because I finally recognized that he was making my computer act up?  Oh, my God, this is so coooooool!! I’m touched. He wants to make sure that I know he’s with me. Okay, there go those stupid alligator tears. This is soooo crazy!

Take care,

TINA

37 - What is Happening to our Boys?

    During my last five years of teaching, I noticed a considerable shift in the classroom.  Girls weren’t inhibited about answering questions anymore, nor did they act shy, unlike in the previous thirty years when many didn't want to show off. They, too, had a brain.  Yes, of course, there’s always been a few boys who thought school wasn’t cool, so they didn’t do any homework or study.  But in a few of my classes, I noticed that the boys seemed to be sitting back and allowing the girls to take over. I saw it time and time again when I assigned students to mixed groups. The girls seemed more confident, and my high school boys had lower self-esteem than usual.  Are males getting lost in this crazy demanding curriculum?  Or are males becoming lazy because they know the girls can do everything they can, so why work so hard?  Or are there so many divorces that young males don't have a  male role model?

    Why do males overall do poorly in schools? Yes, female and male brains develop differently. Language development and motor skills develop faster in girls, and in boys, spatial memory develops faster.  Boys are 50% more likely than girls to fall short in the basics.  (Heaven forbid that the first few years of schooling be more active so the males can move around, which would help them focus better.) Statistics show that girls read more and spend more time on their homework, and boys spend more time on virtual online games and the internet. ( I won’t go into how the curriculum has also become more demanding, at least not in this blog, so a lot more memorizing and writing.) But is it just a developmental difference between males and females?

It's important to teach girls and boys to work together.

   1970’s – burn the bras, women’s lib…… that’s when I noticed men began becoming afraid to help women. (Oops, I’m showing my age. Yikes!) I had much fewer doors opened for me. Or if I dropped something, heaven forbid a nearby male would help out. I remember talking to a guy friend about the issue, and he said he was so confused about even opening a car door for a date, let alone a door. He shared that sometimes he would get barked at by a female. Have we demasculinized the males so much over the years, trying to show that the female species is equal now that young males feel lost and unneeded? I don't know.  

    After watching full-length cartoons such as Tangled, Brave, Frozen, Mulan, and Moana, I noticed that females were the heroes.  Am I just not watching enough cartoons?  At least on T.V., the shows have now tried to balance the female, male hero, or heroin. 

   What we allow our children to watch empowers them.  Why can’t we have movies and cartoons where males and females work together to save the world?  Isn’t that what we should be teaching our children, work together, compromise, listen to each other, and honor each other’s opinions? Am I missing these shows?

   I perused quite a few websites on parenting and found these very informative. Four is my favorite number, so that’s all the recommendations that you get.  (Wow, were these types of articles out there when I was a parent?  I’m sure there were, but I never thought about reading articles online about being a better parent. I read three books; I guess that counts for something.)

https://thejoysofboys.com/raising-confident-boys/

https://childmind.org/article/how-to-build-boys-self-confidence/

https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/fear/secrets-of-confident-kids/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201506/12-ways-raise-competent-confident-child-grit