47 - If there's alcoholism, drug abuse, constant arguing going on, or a child's behavior has drastically changed, it's imperative to get help

 Nicole - pre teen

Nicole had helped me out at a drama event at our school.

..

   Nicole used to share the exciting things that happened at school and the problems her friends and families were experiencing. She even used to share her feelings and what she thought about certain situations. In fact, I remember a couple of her friends in middle school telling her they wished they had a relationship like ours. That made me feel good. But slowly, once middle school hit, Nicole stopped telling me as much. And by high school, I couldn’t even get a response about how she felt about anything. Sometimes, a shrug was her answer. Yes, I knew some of her behavior was typical of a teenager, but her inability to share her feelings was strange.

   By 7th grade, our beautiful, creative, highly gifted daughter, who had a slightly warped sense of humor like my mother, slowly started disappearing behind a curtain of fog.  Sometimes, I observed that she stared at nothing, which I chalked up to being a teen.  But what was strange, at times, is that I felt that she wasn’t in the room with us. She’d stop blinking and stared into “Never Never Land.’ That worried me. I asked what was happening a couple of times, but I usually got a shrug or “I’m just thinking about school.” And believe it or not, I believed her.  As she got older, she shut down even more.

    I guess with all the stress of teaching drama and struggling to keep Kyle, my son,  and Alan, his father, from killing each other, I didn’t see that my daughter needed professional help. (And we as a family needed family counseling. Alan and Kyle's three visits to a counselor did wonders for about three months, and then they forgot how to respect each other again. I thought I could fix her by being vigilant. She must have thought me claustrophobic at times.  Alan and I took her to plays without Kyle,  thinking that would draw her into the family more. A brrrng of a school bell should have sounded in my dense brain, but I couldn’t slow myself down to see or hear that she needed professional help. 

    Anytime you notice that your child’s personality has changed, you need to first talk to your son or daughter to see if there’s any bullying or if he or she is having difficulties with a class or with friends. But most of all, you need to slow your energy down, take a few gentle deep breaths, and ask yourself if anything has changed at home.  I should have called the teachers to let them know we had difficulties in the house. I think the roller coaster in our house had become the norm for my husbands and I. Don’t do what I did. Don’t think you can fix it.  

   I can’t tell you how many times a year I would have to call a parent to see what had changed at home or pull a student aside to ask him/her the same question.  We, as adults, feel like kids are as tough as we are, but they’re not. They’re just kids. They usually don't have the vocabulary to share how they feel. If there are marriage difficulties, if one individual has any type of health or emotional issues, or if there is drug or alcohol abuse in the household, which Kyle did have. It affects the entire family. The child picks up on this tension even if a parent has lost a job. 

     Call the counselor at school to let them know what the issues are at home and ask them to write a note to each teacher to let them know and ask them to call you back. You need to know how they are doing in class and if their behavior has changed. Maybe a weekly report needs to be filled out. This allows the teacher to give your child more attention and to be vigilant about helping the child get the homework in, then you need to ask for that Daily Report. If you don't receive it, there needs to be consequences. That means even calling th teacher.  If a teacher doesn't call you within a week, call the counselor again and leave a message or make a personal appointment with the teacher.   

   Also, ask the counselor if there’s any counseling at the school or if they could recommend individual or family counseling outside of school. If you can’t afford to pay for a therapist, ask if she knows one with lower rates. Then call and make an appointment. Be vigilant.

   Do not let your child refuse to go.  We listened to the Nicole's therapist, who said, "Our philosophy is that we can’t make the kids go to counseling if they don’t want to.”  Bull!  We listened and didn’t make our daughter go to counseling after an incident occurred when she was in 7th grade. 

    We hadn’t heard Nicole's voice or seen her for over 11 years.  I always wondered what would have happened if she had started seeing a counselor. Would that have opened her up to talk to us? Would that have catapulted us forward to recognize that the whole family also needed to be in therapy?  Who knows.  But please, don't wait; just because the problem subsides does not mean the trauma has disappeared from the memory or the body. It has to get unstuck, or it will return. (By the way, she did start going to therapy, and so did I, religiously and finally my husband. 12 years later, we have a wonderful relationship with our daughter.)